Aspies crave relationships, but the reality is there's 90%

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divorce/dissatisfaction rating. My dad is more mainstream HFA and was a HORRIBLE father and husband. Pretty much enough to drive his wife to mental illness. Complete lack of empathy, feelings, sensation, etc. Everytime I see a child alone with a man I feel like calling police for child endagerment/neglect. That is how bad it is.

What does this have to do with AS specifically? you do realize people with asperger's do have empathy, feelings, sensations ect. right? If you're here to paint us as horrible people because of your experience with one individual this is not the place for it.

I think the lack of empathy label on aspies is completely false. Most of the time I have empathy for everyone other than myself who are in bad situations. I feel horrible when I see people suffer, and have a desire to help them.

I agree with BigBoss and Sweetleaf, we have empathy. (I have lots of it, by the way.) Communication is what is the problem, some times.

Actually, your father's lack of empathy sounds more like a (sorry if I offend) psychopath than someone with autism or Aspergers.

Agreed, communicating that empathy is the main problem, it doesn't mean they don't feel it. But hell when I feel empathy for someone I usually directly communicate it, maybe too directly, and comes off and awkward. I speak my mind pretty freely.

I don't have any kids but everyone knows I am EXCELLENT with children. In fact, they sometimes feel like the only group outside of seniors that I can just be myself with. It has also been my experience having known a number of young couples that, believe it or not, the father is usually the better parent by a significant margin. As an Aspie, I have a very vivid memory of being a child and I have a strong knowledge of how to deal with them without being condescending so when children tell me about their problems, I can quickly jump in a say "oh yes, I remember X and here's how to deal with it".

My father wasn't the best and my grandfather was a miserable man who didn't have any feelings for me but that doesn't mean it's because of their (almost certain) AS.

I'm not trying to paint aspies in a bad light, I am one myself. I do have feelings and compassion, but I wonder if in a serious relationship I will "forget" how to act and become cruel.

That will only happen if you stop trying.

Are you serious about the 90% divorce/dissatisfaction? Proof?

here is a quote from the web. Used to be in the wikipedia article:

Government Organization
Better Health Channel, Victoria Austrailia

“A person with Asperger syndrome often has trouble understanding the emotions of other people, and the subtle messages that are sent by facial expression, eye contact and body language are often missed.
Research suggests that the divorce rate for people with Asperger syndrome is around 80 per cent.
Social training, which teaches how to behave in different social situations, is generally more helpful to a person with Asperger syndrome than counselling.”

I suppose I don't see myself as a cruel person and its not as though I have to make a huge effort not to be...I don't think that would change for me in a serious relationship.

Sorry but there's no proof in that it could be totally made up. Do they source this 'research'? Where did the researchers get the data?

Even if it's not made up, you'd have to look at more information to find out how important it is
For example, if 60% of Christian marriages and 100% of Atheist marriages ended in divorce
Then if Aspies are 25% Christian, 75% Atheist, then 0.25*0.6+0.75*1=0.15+0.75=0.9 so being Aspie would not make any difference in how likely you are to be divorced. Granted, these numbers are all pulled completely out of the air just to prove a point that you need more information than just "90% of Aspies get divorced" whether or not it's true.

Excellent work there. I bang my gavel. Case closed.








Wait, what?

Remember, some marriages may have failed because of undiagnosed spectrum disorders. Also, you need to examine if this higher percentages is larger than one standard deviation from the norm.

Emotional competence and poor communication of emotion can be a cause of unhappiness, but can be overcome with effort by both partners. If an aspie is rushed in to a marriage, like any NT, he might regret it. Any statistics for early marriages, or the type of partner they choose? Also, there are surely many aspies who, provided they are not happy alone, may cohabit with their spouse happily for a long time. These are not included in the statistic. And since not every person of marriagable age is polled (nor could they be, with diagnoses being somewhat difficult to settle upon), only a biased segment of the population is studied, as marginal or successfully NT aspies are not identified and included in these studies, and those happily married may be ignored or overlooked.

I also want to add that marriage is a two way street. If we assume that an aspie is unsympathetic and non communicative and ______ (put in whatever is common), my question is why did his or her partner decide to marry in the first place. I dont buy the logic that the marriage failed due to the AS. The AS person was like he or she was before the marriage, what is changed is the amount of effort/tolerance his or her partner has.

My dad was on the spectrum. My mom had difficulty with him because she expected him to do all "typical" stuff like she saw other husbands do. When she started to tell him what she expected, he did those things as he really loved her (just was romantically challenged). But she still wanted him to "understand it" by himself. One of the most common topics of male complaints is how they dont know what to buy for their partners. So, why be more critical of the poor aspie man, when most men are struggling with the same.

Lastly, empathy is not equal to being nice. I have known tons of adults who are normal, so can be empathetic, but their abuse is equally detrimental. My opinion is that AS has just become an excuse when the relationship is failing. Relationships work with two people, not one. Failure in communication is one of the most common underlying reasons for failures in marriage, so really saying it is AS is wrong.