Feeling confused, unhappy, unsure and guilty. Please help.

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If anyone reads this, could they read to the end before thinking I am a
terrible person?
I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, but am very unsure if the
diagnosis is correct or not. I am in my mid fifties and have had emotional
and psychological problems all my adult life. (As a child I was highly
anxious, but my problems went stratospheric when I left shcool). I have seen
counsellors and psychiatrists and have been called schizophrenic or bpd or
simply uncared for emotionally as a baby. I have no family at all, and feel
very lonely, afraid and unhappy all the time, even though outwardly I seem
to be managing. Various AS traits fit me-problems with eye contact in some
situations, difficulty with small talk in some situations, been bullied at
work so haven't worked for many years, wishing to die all the time, longing
for someone to look after me, liking structure, interested in Finnish
language (taught myself) and North Korea, extreme anxiety. Some traits
don't fit-I have friends, am empathic and imaginative and can appear on the
surface to be normal ie not all churned up, depressed and scared. I am also
at high risk of getting glaucoma. Anyway, a couple of friends with AS told
me they thought I had AS and my GP thought it was possible, so I had an assessment.
Before it, I wanted to have it so as to have a label to pin my problems on but
mainly to get some support when I am old, as I am scared of being blind and
totally alone and having AS as well would get me some help then. So although
I was honest on 75% of the questions, I wasn't on the other 25% as it was
clear what they were looking for. On the second session she said I had AS.
I felt so bad about the 25% of questions that on our final session I
told the nurse I had tried to come across
as worse than I am, and gave her honest answers to the 25% of questions I
had not been honest about before. She said that my new answers made no
difference and I still have AS. But I am worried she might think that
I tried to be better than I am the final time to get out of having the
diagnosis as I had said to her before she read my new notes that I didn't really
want to have it. I am now feeling stressed out, guilty (even though I was
totally honest that last time) and unsure if she believed my new notes. Can
anyone help me? Do I sound like an awful person? Am I worrying too much?
What should I do next, if anything? Some people I know think I do have it,
others don't. I am confused.

You are worrying too much.

You are not a bad person, at least not according to the things you described.

There is a sticky of various online assessments you can take. It might ease your mind to take them and see what they say.

No, you don't seem like an awful person *hug*. You did the right thing by telling the nurse about the 25% of questions...a lot of people wouldn't do that I think yes, you are worrying too much. If you really want to you could talk to the doctor one more time and explain that you actually did want to have the disorder because you might get support ect, and explain exactly what you wrote that you're worried they're thinking the opposite. You have a lot of autistic traits anyways, and probably will be told that "again, it doesn't matter, you still have AS" but then you can be completely honest. The thing is the doctor also observed you (the way you acted as a patient) and that should add to the diagnosis (not just the questionnaires). So an AS diagnosis should also be based on the doctor's observation of you which won't be affected by the way you answered the questions. Diagnoses of psychiatric disorders are always going to be somewhat subjective anyways because they are based on symptoms and symptoms are subjective. The diagnoses of these disorders aren't based on objective evidence.....that isn't possible (at least yet).

When I was 18 I went to be reassessed for AS and I really didn't want to have it at the time (I was diagnosed when I was 14- and was much better socially by the time I was eighteen). I didn't explicitly lie but I just had it in my mind that "no, I don't have any social problems anymore" so when I was answering some of those questions like "I find it easy to read someone's intentions" I exaggerated how much I was comfortable in social situations/ understood people etc. So after that I was given a long convoluted report saying that I didn't meet the threshold based on the self report questionnaires but he "couldn't rule out" the diagnosis based on observations etc. Then I went back to him recently to ask him to help me fill out a disability tax credit application. One of the first things he said to me when I came in is that now he had more experience with ASD patients, had read more about ASD's than when I saw him before and if it were now he would have just conformed the diagnosis, which he is doing now because I asked him to (because now I want the dx...fickle creature that I am=) Anyways Psychologists have to take into consideration that people might want or not want a particular diagnosis/outcome and that will effect the self report answers to some extent. Psychologists know this! I have an undergrad degree in Psychology and we did discuss this in abnormal psych class. That is another reason why you should have been carefully interviewed about your childhood and earlier life as well as now and observed and not just given a self-report and if you were then all that info will have gone into your diagnosis.

Of course you aren't an awful person. Realising you have Aspergers can be a confusing time, everyone muddles through differently. It's OK to feel confused, guilty, happy or angry - it will take a bit of time to work through your feelings.

I find it nice that you told her about the 25%. I identify with you, I took a personality test when I applied for a job not so very long ago, and had big pangs of guilt and angst about having manipulated a very small portion of it.

Aspies are known for being honest, so perhaps it's another little cue to fit into the puzzle? Do you find it hard to be dishonest in general? I know I do.

Autism is a spectrum disorder, so it's not unusual that you would have some traits and not others; that said, it sounds like you might *also* have some chronic anxiety and/or depression issues, so you should make sure that your counselor treats you for that as well as Asperger's. You don't sound like a bad person, just someone with troubles like the rest of us.

You are ok, everyone is not here to judge you. Sometimes people do things that are out of alignment with their conscience, but they do it because they feel they need to do it, and it is a common human trait to fall short of our own ideals. Working towards having integrity in all situations and under all circumstances is a noble goal, but not easily attained by people because we are not perfect.

Feel better.

Everyone has done something like this,you have a good moral compass so you felt guilty about being deceptive.That's normal.It shows that dishonesty is not in your nature.And that's a good thing.

Wow - you have had a very long haul. Don't be hard on yourself. You did right.

Thank you everyone who has replied.
In this together-Online tests are a good suggestion. I have taken a number of them earlier this year and they all told me I have (or most likely have) AS. THis is another reason why I went for the assessment as some friends without AS did them and got non AS scores.
Daydreamer84 your reply is so kind and helpful. I was interested to read that you exagerated on the questions like me(except you did it the other way round.) For instance, on one which asked me would I concentrate on my old friends if I left the area or would I concentrate on making new ones, I put the former. In my revised answers I wrote that I would do both (which is the truth.) I also said I find it hard to make friends in my original answer, but revised this to say that I make friends quite easily, but that people are usually friends with my surface and not with the real me, which is mostly hidden as I don't think people could cope with many of my real feelings and thoughts. (I don't mean this in a decpetive way, but that my real feelings include a lot of anxiety, depression and anger)
The nurse was an autism specialist and she carried out the whole procedure. I am seeing my GP on Friday to talk about my worries.
Thank you Silkysilafa-if the diagnosis is indeed correct, then it is a shock at 54 to suddenly realise that I am autistic. It turns a lot of things on their heads. It does make sense of certain things, of why I couldn't handle things which others seemed to take in their stride, such as when I left university after 4 days as I couldn't stand being away from home in an alien environment. I had to come to the local university and found that hard enough.
Taurus-yes, I do find dishonesty hard. I can do white lies and don't find them hard, but dishonesty over big things eats away at me. This is why I had to tell her about the 25% as I would have felt awful acccepting any help later on under false pretenses. I had to get it out and be honest. I was so nervous when she was reading my revised answers and half expected her to be so angry, but she was nice and understanding.
Misslizard-thank you for your kind words too. I am glad I was honest at the last session. I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't have been.
LKL the nurse suggested anxiety management and I will ask my doctor about it. I have been anxious all my life and know that it often gets to an extreme level. The nurse said it is a feature of AS.
Thank you logicalmom-it's kind of you to tell me I did right.