I Feel Like A Psychopath

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....or at least very self absorbed as*hole. Other people's emotions or well being hardly effect me at all. I know, rather than feel, that it is a preferable state of affairs for others to be happy/satisfied/healthy/alive, but if they are not, I never become upset on a personal level. I have empathy to the extent that I can relate their feelings to feelings I've had.

For example, my favorite philosophy teacher is heaving heart problems and may have a heart attack. If he were to die, my first response would be to regret the loss of his mind to the philosophical world. I don't think I would be all that upset. I think that grief is about the living people, not the person who dies and then it is mostly about the selfish sadness of loosing the pleasure their company gives you.

A good friend of mine from high school is doing her student teaching for special education. A 17 year old girl with cerebral palsy in her class died of a fairly common respiratory illness. She has been extremely upset about it for weeks. She asked me how she should feel about it and I said that she should not care about things that are not under her control and not possible to come under her control (I mean, what can a human do about death besides take all steps possible to prevent it). She got extremely angry with me though we have since then patched things up again. I know that the right thing I should have done was just not say anything and be there for her, but I don't understand how people can get so upset about things like that. I think the only person who has cause for being upset is the doctor but only if he or she did not do everything in their power to save the girl.

I think the other cause for grief about death is the injustice of its existence but I believe that the world is fundamentally unjust and tragic. While death is not good, it is natural. You might as well get upset at a rock for existing.

If I had to sum up my religion in one word, I'd say was a stoic. One major tenant of that philosophy is the development of a very strong self control over the feelings. However, when it comes to myself, I can be very emotional a lot of it directed at my personal failings. I am highly motivated and self-critical; I have trouble letting go of projects until they live up to my standards of perfection. I get upset at myself for not knowing the right thing to say in social situations. I get upset if I let someone down, not for the hurt I did to them, but for the hurt I've done to myself by not keeping my word. Hell, I even got upset when I put a magnet too close to my TV. Granted, I don't get really upset as in weeping and gnashing of teeth. So there it is: I can get upset about almost ruining my TV but not about another living breathing human.

People would describe me as helpful (I TA for a Lighting and Sound Design Class, so I get calls for help at all hours), but I do it more out of a feeling that helpfulness is something that should be done for its own sake rather than for the well being of the person you are helping. I also do it for the pleasure of the interaction.

Have any of you noticed this a lot? I know that one of the characteristics of AS is emotional detachment, but do you experience it this heavily in general? I am not on heavy antidepressants or mood levelers, just 10mg of Lexapro. I was off it for about 6 months last year and didn't notice any change in my attitude.

Sorry this rambled on and I hope it makes some kind of sense. Thanks!

It makes sense, multiple people have commented on their own tendency about this before. Obviously you are not a psychopath, and really there is nothing fundamentally wrong with this lack of emotion. You function. It may not be normal, but why care about that? All you really need to do is figure out how to seem sympathetic and understand the workings of the emotional world sufficiently.

You express too much depth of thought and emotional nuance to be a psychopath. When a psychopath hears of another's death, their response (or at least attitude) will be crass and indifferent: "Why are you telling me? If he's dead, there's not much good he can do me now!" They'd probably then return to doing drugs, goofing off, or planning a crime. They'd only express outward grief and sympathy if they were trying to manipulate someone.

My grandmother was the one person in my life who loved and accepted me the way I was. She lived to be 82 and I had her for a long time, but when she died, I couldn't make myself feel the amount of grief that other people, not as close to her, seemed to feel. In fact, the next day, I wasn't even depressed. Yet I still miss her. It's ten years later and I still think about her and love her and wish she could be here. If I smell her favorite perfume THEN my eyes water, but I never did grieve. There are some times I just don't have the "correct" NT emotions, but that doesn't mean I don't care or don't love. I just don't grieve. My grandmother wouldn't have wanted me to grieve anyways, so I take solace in that. But, even as I type this, I feel sad that she's gone. I've lost other people and have this same sort of "frozen" reaction. I didn't understand it until I realized I'm on the spectrum. Now I know why I don't feel appropriate emotions all the time, and I also realize that it does not mean I'm a terrible person or a psychopath, nor are you. Could you kill somebody and not care? I could neither do it nor not care. I doubt you could either. THAT is a psychopath--Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer--those who hurt and have little regard for human life.

Same here! Perhaps the best friend I will ever have (He helped me with any interests, etc... He was like a great father. He was there when my biological father wasn't, and treated my as his son.) DIED when I was like 10. When I woke up (on a stretcher going down a hall in a hospital), my first words were "Where is Andy?" They said he was on another ambulance, and that made NO sense to me! I said "Is he dead?" They said NO! Those were my FIRST words folks! NOBODY told me he died until another friend told me that my OWN FATHER told everyone to keep it a secret. I don't know how SHE found out, but my mother said she was right. To this day, I don't know the real reason.

I cared MORE about the loss to me, and others (BTW He was estranged from his family because he didn't want to be a jehovahs witness, but he had like three sons, and an ex wife), than anything else. I never cried. I knew from HOUR ONE that he died. I will always remember him, but I guess I will never react as others supposedly believed I might.

But HEY. why should I? What would it solve?

BTW he had a heart attack while he was driving us to his cabin. The car hit a telephone pole, shoved the steeringwheel into his chest causing massive bleeding. I wasn't buckled in, and rolled out the side door.

I had another uncle who ALSO died. I guess they figured I was "old enough", and not attached enough, so I was one of his Paul Bearers. Ironic! I don't know how HE died.
I didn't cry there either, and I wasn't real upset, etc....

Steve

By the way, the psychopathic syndrome encompasses a specific set of (usually) negative personality traits. Popular culture often misrepresents the concept—much as they do with almost any psychiatric diagnosis. Psychopaths have a personality disorder, and it is only one of many. People who are described as anal retentive have a personality disorder that is in some respects psychopathy's polar opposite: obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

Psychopaths frequently and consistently lie, cheat, intimidate, feign emotions to manipulate, exhibit an extreme lack of self-control and self-discipline, have flash tempers, engage in crime, take advantage of others, deny all wrongdoing, and have a disdainful attitude towards others. Basically they have a "perfect storm" of character flaws and vices that make them some of the worst people to deal with in life. This personality type is common in career criminals and serial killers, but it is also found in politicians, doctors, police officers, and any profession. Basically, they represent the immoral or hypocritical wing of their profession.

Thank you all for your replies! I was more than a bit melodramatic with my title, sorry.

In some ways I am glad that I am not the only one who has this experience though I'm also sorry that others have to go through this too.

Another way this manifests is in my, at best, detached interest in how my friends and family are. I rarely think to ask how their day went and things like that. A friend mentioned this to me and I have been making an effort more lately. Even so, still feel like it is information to be filed away rather than a person's feelings. People interest me very much but much in the way that characters from a novel interest me.

I remember when I was in kintergarden and I used to beat kids who'd ask to become my friend and im still haunted by what I did to this one girl. I was like 5 or so and I still feel bad about it.

Ive never worried about this much. Its not so much that aspies hate people or dont feel attachments for me at least its more along the lines of "dont ask dont tell". How I feel what Im thinking etc arent anyone elses business so why should I pry into the private minds of others?

It just seems like irrelevant and pointless information. So you had a bad day? Dont care. Someone Ive never met but you know died? Dont care. If your not volunteering information because its not important why should I ask? If I want to tell others about myself I will asking me only irritates me so why would I do the same to others?

It may seem like a harsh way to look at things from an NTs perspective but its a far cry from psychopathy or malicious intent.

Can you feel no sympathy towards someone and still be kind to them? Can you have no emotional attachment to someone and have them still be important to you? Of course.

I tend to agree that grief over death is more about self-pity than the deceased regardless of how most people may try to convince themselves otherwise. Personally I think its disrespectful towards them.

Does a lack of strong emotional response make a person selfish? I dont think so. If anything I believe emotions themselves are innately selfish and self-centered. Only through logical constructs like the idea of karma and the ability to suppress your own instincts towards self-benefit can real altruism exist at all.

Hmm I think there was a point I was trying to make but Im tired and I seem to have misplaced it

I'm slightly psychopathic, only because I used to have plans to destroy the whole world, by becoming pres of the US, then declaring war on other nations and taking them over.

of course according to my ex, who is evil and an aspie, and who said that dating me was a waste of her time, I have no social courtesy whatsoever, I only listen to my side of the story, and that I don't care about others. of course she hates me, and do I care? no. But she isn't right, since I'm a very caring individual.

You describe my situation better than I could myself. I've never really picked up much on other people's emotions. Infact, sometimes when I see someone suffering I start laughing. Yet at the same time, I'm very considerate of other people simply on principle.

I never know what to do when somebody I know is distressed or has had someone close to them die. And I've never really understood how some people have the ability to soothe the pain of others with their words, or with just "being there".

Most people can barely tolerate my company at the best of times. When I see someone I know feeling low, my usual response is to make myself scarce rather than stick around and make things worse.

I sort of look at it this way - "if people are going to feel bad, I don't want it to be my fault".

Dad died 20 years ago. At the time, I didn't really "grieve" but had all sorts of odd emotions such as anger and relief (because he wasn't suffering anymore) but if I try to talk about him now, I find it very hard to not get upset.

Yet I cried all night when my cat died when I was 13. It doesn't mean that I didn't care about my dad - more that I tried to put it out of my mind. But of course, if you do that kind of thing, it only comes back later on.

If someone with severe handicaps eg. cerebral palsy, or a severe and painful illness died, I would feel sad for their family but would also think at least that person wouldn't be suffering any more.

Some people have told me I am heartless for thinking like that but I don't think it is being heartless, just practical.