Some affirmation needed please....

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Hi all.....I invited my mother in law to come and eat with us yesterday....but my sons behaviour was so horrible!
Me and him first went to the shops before returning home.....He was stuck in this mode of asking for stuff espessialy sweets ALL THE TIME! Got irritated with me when saying no....pushing the trolley against me, wanting to bite my arm....exct.
At home he got obsessed with wanting to watch a movie that we said is not appropriate for his age....started screaming at us.....preventing me to go out of the kitchen....throwing me with stuff.....I tried to reason but nothing works!

I had to leave the prepairing of food and go and rent him another dvd! I was so angry, stressed and embarresed! Returning home, he watched a bit and then came to eat with us....showing bad manners, pushing the food into his mouth.....playing as if he wanted to put his finger in his nose....no diccipline or diversion was successfull......Then he wanted to entertain us with exersizes while we were trying to eat and have a conversation! I gently told him that he must stop and maybe watch TV....It was as ifhe didnt care and wouldnt listen?!
When I spoke to him about his behaviour he said he cant help it! I told him to have AS isnt an excuse for bad behaviour.....he just keeps telling me he is sorry but he cant help it!

Please tell me: Is this AS behaviour going on or WHAT!! !! I really dont have the guts to invite any one again....its just to stressfull! We are allready isolated so much because of the
behaviour, but its not improving....only getting more inappropriate!

I dont have an AS child that has this withdrawn....shy, inappropriate behavior as described in so many AS books.....I have a rude, in-your-face type of AS child! Does any of you also have this type of AS behaviour going on...any ideas please!?

When my son was stressed, he would go in that direction as v. withdrawing. Learning to withdraw a little was actually an improvement.

I always felt I had to work from multiple directions:
-Find and mitigate the stress factors.
-Give out consistent consequences for the behavior infractions (even when it seem to make no difference, it is a reinforcement that the rule exists, and that the world follows a pattern).
-Continue working with professionals to teach your child coping skills, to overcome difficult areas, to handle stress, etc.
-Continue working directly with your child on alternative (appropriate) ways of handling stress and expressing desires/frustration.
-Make sure expectations are clear and consistent.
-etc.

There was definitely that block of years where we were afraid to have guests or take our kids places. It was hard. If I'm remembering your son's age right, you are in the middle of the peak, most difficult years. At least, what were the peak, most difficult years for us. You have to believe in the choices you've made and the methods you've selected. You stay the course. Don't let the times you make a mistake (which will be plenty) get to you. Make mental notes, shore up the plans and the resolve, and continue on. There will be many, many steps back. You have to believe in the steps forward.

Thanx DW!

I really needed some hope here! Yes....he is 9 and he is also learning that we will more easily give in to avoid a meltdown if we have a guest over!

I understand that you want him to get used to having a day with more than one eventful thing in it. My son is younger than yours, but we find that we have to spread some of these things around, so he does not have too much going on in one day. If you are going to have someone over who he is not used to be around, maybe try to make sure you get your shopping done a different day, so that it lessens the stress for him. It might also reduce the stress on you.

I know it is a pain in the rear to have to do that. You should have seen how we had to spread out the back to school shopping. You kind of have to see what your child's limitations are and try when feasible to get him to stretch his capabilities by small amounts. We don't always do this, for a variety of reasons, but when we ask too much of him it usually ends up going pretty badly.

Sounds like family members make him pretty nervous! I was wondering if it might be helpful for you guys to practice having company over. Maybe you could ask your MIL to come over again but this time make sure, as ASDMommyASDKid suggested, that you don't have anything else planned for that day. Give him a small job to do to prepare for the visit, if that is something that interests him, and talk to him about what exactly is going to happen.

You could even make a visual schedule of the event. e.g.
"Grandma arrives. Open the door for her and say hi"
"Sit in kitchen and wait for Mom to serve lunch"
"Put napkin in my lap before starting lunch:
etc.

Really break it down for him and stick to the schedule. Hopefully your MIL will be sympathetic to your plight and will be willing to play the role for a short time. Perhaps if he has less anxiety about what is going to happen next, he will have better behavior. If you try this and it is even moderately successful, I would recommend that you try it several times. Maybe then you can see if you can do a little less scripting and see if he can handle a more "free-form" visit.

Judging form some of my son's behaviors, I think your son is telling the truth when he says he just can't help it. DS gets so darned overwhelmed with anxiety that he just can't hold it together anymore.

One thing I found that helped us, btw, when my son started to get controlling like that, is to pull him aside and say that we're just going to talk for a while before we decide on the request. The thing is, the request isn't what he's really upset about, most likely. The trigger tends to be a sense that something else is out of his control. So to feel grounded in his world he fixes his mind on something and starts to believe that if he gets that something, balance will be restored. That is why kids like my son, at least, can suddenly get so demanding and controlling. Yes, they are in a very near meltdown point at that stage, but the real issue tends to be something else entirely from anything they are vocalizing. If you can get your child to focus on something else for a while, you might have a chance at finding out what the real issue is. I can't tell you how many times we've just been stunned when we discovered what our son reallywanted. Life would be so much simpler if he could have just expressed that the first time! Sigh. I can tell so many stories.

Anyway, that diversion is something to try. But talk about the plan sometime when he is calm, and include examples if you have any of all the times he's acted insistent on something, when it wasn't the real issue. Let him know that the next time he gets like that, you are going to ask him to self calm first, before addressing the request, because isn't it better for everyone if you have the opportunity to give him what he really needs, instead of what he thinks he wants in that moment?

I do think you have to commit for a large number of years to doing what you need to with your child regardless of who is there and regardless of what anyone thinks. My son once had a meltdown in a crowded, enclosed public space we couldn't possibly get safely out of, so I basically let us disturb a hundred people while I walked him through his steps. You laser focus on your son and the process you know you need to go through, and tune out the world. It is the only way to get past these hurdles; you are investing in your child's future by applying a consistent approach that your child will learn he can count on, and that will eventually teach him to recognize these signs in himself and self-mitigate.

We've had dinner 3 hours late, been tardy to school, ignored guests and more all with the singular goal of getting our son to through to the other side. You surround yourself with people who will understand, and tune out the world when you can't. There were long periods when family members doubted my approach, but they don't anymore. Stay the course, go through the steps. You'll get there.

Thanx for all the good ideas!! !!

We just moved back near family and we are now starting to get hit with the waves of family and friends and introducing all these people into my daughter's life - I have taken it very slow........Since we moved and my mother has been coming over my daughter(5) would get very demanding and controlling with how the visit was going to go - noticed my mom would just do whatever she wanted.... I told my mom that isn't going to fly For me in dealing with this I had to address two areas:

I have had multiple discussions with my mother and told her that she needs to observe me on how I deal with her. She has gotten it down and my daughter works with her now, to the point my mother is comfortable with her alone, out in public alone and she just had her first sleepover there!! !! She actually didn't want to come home to us.... Shock beyond shock

In the beginning I was noticing this new behavior with the parentals visiting and have talked to her when they aren't there.....she has been able to express her feelings and we talk about how excited she gets. It seriously was her way of coping with her excitement. Things have truly calmed down when they are together and my mom works with her like I do. My daughter has honestly gotten used to her.... plain and simple.....she is great with my mom and they went to the mall twice just each other!! !! And my mother offered on her own - and they had a marvelous time:) I still can't believe she stayed with my mother for almost 24 hours straight this past weekend.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I can say that I saw the beginnings of this with my daughter when we moved here. I had to honestly debrief my mother and educate her because they will honestly have the closest relationship. Others? Well I still have the excuse that we don't have furniture for guests yet and its short easy visits in their home..... taking this all slow.

I see similar behavior in my give year old daughter a lot. Especially if she has held herself together well for other activities like kindergarten or shipping or she is tired she will get into this state of agitation where she stims a lot and starts acting out a lot.she might start demanding something unreasonable or she might do something she knows she should not lke jump on furniture or whatever.then when you ask her to stop or punish her she gets more agitated and things get worse not better it's very frustrating to say the least.

Go to a restaurant where there is a playground (like Spur or McDonalds), he wants a friend. Note not plural, but a single friend to play with. You are currently that friend in his mind. You need to change the status. He needs to learn how to socialise with other kids and by taking him to a playground will tire him out quickly, but none the less a essential skill later in life. You will have to drag your friends/family with you to the restaurant while he is occupied.

This sounds similar to my AS 5yo daughter. She can very distructive at times, aggressive and direspectful. Wont listen, argues and shouts. Shes very loud and boistrous. Not the shy, non-verbal type at all! I wish my mother in law would see this side to her but unfortunatley shes exactly the same, often insults me and doesnt realise, or if she does she doesnt retract it or apologise. She doesnt see the bad behaviour as she thinks this is normal. Well not in my family it isnt! We are all shy, quiet people and are very tolerant and wouldnt argue. Soemtimes Im not sure whats Aspie traits and whats just family traits!

Mine has very trying behavior much of the time too, but he's only 4 1/2 (autie, not aspie - I'm aspie). I'm the quiet reserved type and he's the scream in your face type. Although he can talk somewhat now it's mostly one way, he tends to ignore whatever I'm saying. He deliberately tries to make me mad. he enjoys the reaction and when I remain calm when he expects me to get mad about something he starts yelling at the top of his lungs, "ARE YOU MAD? ARE YOU MAD YET??" and throwing toys. It's been a daily confrontation with him for months now that I expect him to have pants on when he's in the living room - he tends to stand nude from the waste down in our front window. Shopping with him is usually a nightmare. He can be extremely sweet and charming too so I don't think a lot of people in my family get the extent of what I'm going through with him. He wanted french fries tonight so I made them but the whole time they were cooking and cooling he non-stop said over and over "Where's my french fries, can I have french fries, I want FRENCH FRIES" for 20 min. ad nauseum and I had to listen to it because I have no way of keeping him out of the kitchen and if I walked away he'd try to get the French Fries and burn his hands.

Thanx for all your replies!
In a strange way it makes my frustrating, tireding live seems more "normal"! !! !