New parent, doomed to fail

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Hi there. I'm currently pregnant and while I have been wanting a baby for awhile, I'm often very worried about how good a parent I will make because of my undiagnosed (hence untreated) AS. I did try getting a diagnosis, but that's a long story and I don't want to mention that right now.

I figure you are all parents in this section... So I figure, you have AS or HFA and must be doing something right, so maybe there's hope for me? I have a lot of problems connecting with people, and usually it doesn't bother me because I'm a very solitary person, but I don't want this to get in the way of my kids. It's not a conscious choice. People still think I want nothing to do with them even after I make multiple conscious efforts to prove that I do.

My fears are compounded by the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I've done a lot of healing in that area on my own, but you never know...I could regress, right? Or send them negative messages subconsciously.

I was looking up PTSD on this forum just a moment ago, because I've been repeatedly told by others that I seem to have some symptoms of it, and I found out that somebody has PTSD because both of their parents are on the spectrum. So now I just feel even better (sarcasm), because I suspect that my husband is on the spectrum too.

Aside from magically finding an awesome psychologist/psychiatrist who is also affordable (I have even asked people in my area for recommendations and not received any), it's looking pretty hopeless for me. I don't normally make a habit of talking negative on the interwebs, so this all might sound a little humorous or casual? I don't know. But I've actually been in a really bad spot today. If you have any advice for me, I'd be very grateful.

I don't come here that often, so I might not respond right away. I'm sorry about that.

Welcome Morningstar!
Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time!
Plenty of fears before a baby comes is expected! Dont worry to much, because you will be surpriced by how totally different things turn out after the little one arrives! Some things will be MUCH easier than you antisipated and little things might surprisingly be difficult to handle....
As long as you and hubby just remember to focus on each others needs and try and be surportive to each other things can be tollerable.....
I dont think most parents on this forum is on the spectrum.....We are mostly parents of kids who are on the spectrum...But having a genetic connection, you are maybe right in assuming some or plenty of parents here will also be on the spectrum......
Hope you get some answers you were hoping for.

Hi Morningstar,
Becoming a parent for the first time is overwhelming and amazing, frightening and exciting (and every other feeling too). Don't expect to know just what to do at first, no-one does, and don't expect to fail... because if you love this baby and want it (like you do) then you will try to make the best choices for your family, trust that. There are (where I live) lots of services for new mothers. If the baby has trouble settling in to a sleep pattern, new mother groups, child health nurses... the list goes on. Hopefully, there are similar things in your area. The hospital where you have your baby, or doctor/midwives who are looking after you now should be able to give you info on that. Let them know your worries, I think everything you are feeling is natural and expected, the only thing that concerns me is if you think you are "doomed" to fail. Please be kind to yourself, it will help. Good luck to you

Hi, welcome

I am an NT Mum of 2 daughters, one 5 with AS and one 1 so far seems NT. My husband is AS too. The AS has only become apparent in the last 2 years so when we had our first daughter we had no idea it would be a possibility. One thing I found as a new Mum is that babies, although completely helpless and requiring you to do everyhing for them, they do set their own routines, they do let you know what they need and when, they actually can give you a lot of help which you wouldnt know if you hadnt had one before! I found we fell right into a good routine after a month, AS baby sleeping through well and very content, second baby has been equally good and helpful I know all babies are different though. Me and my husband both approached parenting in a different way, he is very logical and if baby was crying he would mentally run through a list of possible problems and use a trial and error method to solve it, then you get to know different types of cry to get you to the solution quicker. Being NT I found it easier to understand what the baby needed but we were both equally good in our own ways, having AS wont make you any less of a parent!

Keep a look out for post natal depression afterwards and make sure the midwives are aware of your problems even if its undiagnosed as this should make things easier if you need any help later on.

Good luck, hope you are feeling better about the situation!

Suggestions:

Be kind to yourself. Being a first time, second time, third time parent is scary and is not easy for ANYONE. Realize that your fears are not unique to you or your situation.

Start dealing with your dysfunctional family issues now. If you are interested in a good book, read The Big Red Book (an ACOA publication). You don't need to join the ACOA group if you don't want, just read the book. This will help you as an individual and a parent.

Don't worry about what other people think of you or your parenting skills. As long as there is no verbal, physical abuse or neglect going on AND you are doing the best you can, it will be OK.

Between being ASD and from a dysfunctional family, it is likely you will have no idea how to respond to everyday situations and conversations (when the child is old enough) with your child. Refer to the Book.

Remember how your parents treated and responded to you. Remember how it made you feel. If that makes you sad, make a concious effort not to do that to your kid. Imagine the behavior and actions of the type of parent you would love to have had, and be that way with your child.

If possible, in the first two or three years of your child's life, ask for help. You are going to be very exhausted (unless it's 50/50 w/ your partner) and you will NEED physical help to care for the child. It is OK to ask for help.

Don't feel guilty for being imperfect.

Hi There,
I had these same concerns when I was pregnant too. My son is 2 now. All I can say is that I truly think that we are given the children we are meant to get. You will be the best parent for your baby and things will work out. The fact that you are questioning your future parenting skills is a sign that you do care. You are already ahead of the game! I hug and kiss my son every day and tell him that I love him. I think that is a good place to start.

Hello everyone. Thanks for your encouraging responses. If I wasn't so behind on my day, I would quote the gems from each person's response. I didn't realize there would be mostly NT parents with spectrum kids, but that's ok, that makes sense. I'll look up the book that bjtao mentioned.

If anyone else has advice, tips, or recommendations to add, you are still welcome to comment. If anyone knows how to find a reliable and experienced psychologist for adults with ASD, that would be particularly awesome.