NoGyroApproach wrote:
If you know of any good books for woman with aspergers or woman with aspergers in a relationship with an NT man I would be interested.
To make a really long story short, I was diagnosed less then a year ago. I am only now learning how much aspergers/autism really does make how I think and view things different from the average person. I don't see it as a bad thing, but the more I understand about what's going on, the better I am able to adjust to society.
This post of yours bothered me for a while which was why I neglected to respond to it until I could pinpoint the reason why it bothered me.
It struck me why I was reading this, it made me think of your post:
Quote:
“While the bulk of those diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome are male, there are girls and women with AS. And their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some extent, males with Asperger’s are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring, and selfish because the cultural expectation is for women to be more aware of the needs of the relationship, something which is extremely difficult for most Aspies. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.”
Culturally, in every society I have lived it, is it always considered the responsibility of the woman to maintain the primary relationship when it comes to a partner (boyfriend, financee, husband, partner). The direction, maintaince and nuturing of the relationship itself always seems to be the womans responsibility, both in terms of overall and in terms of the day to day stuff. It begs the question of how the heck are we supposed to muddle through a primary partnership like that when we have no idea of how to do that, due to AS, especially when it requires such finesse.
I was stupid enough to struggle through two relationships attempting to do exactly that. And no amount of training in psychology, or accessing more information pertaining to primary relationships has ever really helped or been able to make up for my deficits in this area. It's not a problem for me right now as I'm not dating and don't plan to, but the information should be there or at least being discussed.
What is even more astounding to me is that this exact topic is not even discussed in the womens area. It seems like something that sound be front and center, yet I have no come accross anything in regards to this in this sub forum.
To make another real long story short. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce because of this misunderstanding. The aspergers diagnosis explained a lot of things to me and my husband. He now realizes that I was not being cold, selfish or uncaring but that I did not "see" or "read" his non verbal signals. He is now verbalizing more to me and I am trying to be more sensetive. I really had no idea how much people express to each other non verbally. It is still really confussing but our relationship means a lot to me so I want to learn.
This is why I was asking for books that talk about aspergers women married to NT men. I want to learn and try to understand the deeper side of relationships. It amazes me that I have lived on this planet for 40+ years and I never picked up on this deeper social emotional stuff. Especially since I am a very observent person. It appears I can see the detail and differences in all sorts of things, but not see the suttle changes of human behavior.
I agree with what you are saying about most cultures and how most relationships have the woman is the primary nurturer. My husband and I don't really follow that formula. We are probably odd balls that way.
22 Sep 2012, 6:50 am
