A husband who doesn't understand

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My husband is mad at me because I am a stay at home mom and I can't keep the house clean. Also he is mad because our tv went out so I went over to my parents house during the day to watch tv. He said he could have just stayed home with Parker all day with no tv and clean. I told him he doesn't understand what I go through, and he said I don't understand what he goes through. He works all day on copy machines. I never acts like anything bothers him and I just don't understand that? Now I'm in the bathroom afraid to come out because I don't want to talk about it. How do you get your spouse to under stand what's going on in your head? It's so frustrating!

I'm lucky to have an understanding husband. Last night when he suggested I talk to a few of his friends who are employed in an industry I'm considering, I broke down crying because talking to people is such a roadblock for me. He offered to do it for me. <3 However, I totally empathize with you when it comes to keeping house and care-taking. I work only part time, and am expected to keep the place clean and stocked (Yikes! That means going to the store!!). He hardly helps because he assumes it's my job as a part-time employee. My 4-year-old goes to preschool, but he recently had his tonsils out and I took off a week from work to care for him. Exhausting! I had neither time nor inclination to clean, so I understand where you're coming from...in fact, I can't imagine doing that day in, day out. Kudos to you! Unfortunately, I have no advice because there has been no resolution to this issue....the house just stays mostly clean.

Sorry I'm not much help, but I feel for you (something rare for me!).

Thank you for understanding, I know I should try harder to keep things clean it's just really frustrating. And when I get in arguments with my husband I can never be wrong and I have a hard time understanding where he is coming from and being empathetic on what he feels. And unless he says he's sorry and calms me down I will be in a state of panic and very upset like I just want to punch the wall. A few years back I used harm my self during arguments like this. I would lock myself I'm the bathroom and pinch the tops of my hands as hard as I could. It's not like we have huge fight like most people would think. They're just arguments over little things, I just don't know how to handle them

I have similar problems, but with my NT wife.

She had a go at me for not cleaning the house earlier. Sometimes she forgets I suffer from poor executive functioning. Some days i struggle to get out of bed.

That's the reason that I'm staying out of any type of relationship. I've dealt with one man who didn't understand my autistic behaviour. I don't need to be in a relationship with a male dominater who doesn't understand autistic thoughts and behaviour. Down with male domination!

I might sound harsh, but going to your parents' to watch TV instead of staying at home and doing your share (cleaning the house and cooking - that is what the "staying at home" partner is supposed to do) does not sound like "autistic behavior" but plain lack of responsibility. I would be mad, too. It is not fair that he is doing his share and you are not doing yours.

It seems like lot of mothers have a hard time keeping their house clean while they have children and are stay at home moms. But I never had a problem keeping the home clean and taking care of my son. I wonder what am I doing different?

I really don't see this an Aspie/NT argument, it's more a "some people feel that a clean and tidy house is a priority and should be done all the time, consistently"person whereas I am a "I have better things to do with my time, I spent most of my day looking after young children and that saps most of my energy so I'll get to it when I get to it" person. My husband realises that looking after children, cooking and washing take up most of my day and so we share the house work at the weekend. He's knows how hard it is..

Last edited by Shellfish on 27 Sep 2012, 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

My father (who is aspie) seems to think it's the most important part. He damn near refuses to even allow me to move out, because he thinks I'll be unable to keep my home tidy which will somehow result in me committing suicide or starting using heroin. Yeah, apparently you're either a neat freak or a hoarder, there are no inbetweens with him, the damn autistic freak. He also believes I will immediately be murdered for a pittance if I move to the city (It would be worth it with how much I hate the suburbs). I think I'm gonna find a new place and just not tell him until after I've already moved. He doesn't like that, he can be a man and put up his dukes. Then I'd kick him in the testicles.

I guess that's right. Every married couple needs a clear agreement about HOW clean which room has to be. Otherwise one will think "Oh no, all that dirt again" while the other one thinks "It's still clean enough, no need to do anything today". What a huge source of unnecessary trouble... By the way, that's a reason why I won't move in with my boyfriend.

Nikkster, I've had moments like that too. I'm not great at the housework. Before my daughter started school, I had very little time to get any done. She is very demanding and I could only get work done when she was sleeping (when I was needing to do stuff for myself too). Since she has gone to school, it has been a bit easier, but I'm emotionally exhausted a lot of the time and I'm quite depressed. I feel really guilty some days. I don't watch TV at all, during the day, but I'm on the net more than I should be. This week I've had an excuse, as I was ill for 2 days. But, I'm better now and, after lunch, I'll get my skates on. Sometimes all I need is a blowout with my husband and it gets me going again (and we had a mini one last week, where he was subtle, but I got what he meant). Hopefully this episode will help to kickstart you. Think about it, if you have time to watch TV, you have time to do some work (just like me with the net). You might not be perfect at it, but a bit of effort will be appreciated, I'm sure. The ironing gets to my husband, so if I do that he seems satisifed that I'm doing something. Good luck.

Maybe you just have good time management and multitasking skills. I have a lot of trouble and stress with time management, so I understand how hard it is to find time and energy to get things done. I live with my mum and when I know I have a lot of things to do it messes me up even more cos I just sit there thinking about it and mildly panicking. I often struggle to find time to do my laundry, for example. By the time I get it done I have no clean socks or underwear and I have to borrow my mum's or just sit there in a bath robe while I wait for it to wash and dry, cos it's hard to think about anything else. It seems like I can only think about one thing at a time. My god I would suck at being a stay at home parent.

With marriage and children there is an agreement to share the labor. If he's doing his part and you're not doing yours and you're not trying to figure out how to fix it then I can see why he's mad.

He seems to have the same expectations of you that he'd have of a neurotypical stay-at-home mom. Usually, the job of a home-maker is to keep the house, take care of children and pets, and manage things like home repairs. Your watching TV all day seems like a hallmark of laziness to him. Only you know if it truly is, or if you are in reality too disabled to take care of a house.

The trouble is, he's working a full-time job himself; so he honestly doesn't have time to do those things, either. Neurotypicals require relaxation just as autistics do, and if he doesn't get his down time, he'll burn out just as surely as you would. There needs to be a solution here. You may need an aide, a house-cleaning service, or similar. While you don't strictly need a caretaker, your husband is working full-time and doesn't have the time to do those things for you. Unless you want him to burn out, you probably need more help than you're getting.

Another thing: If you're watching TV all day, I wonder whether you might not benefit from some kind of therapy to help you find productive things to do. There's nothing wrong with watching TV, and you should continue to do it if it relaxes you and you enjoy it; but when a special interest takes up all your time, you should learn to moderate it so that you can do other useful things too. If it's not a special interest, then that's even worse--it means that somewhere along the way you gave up on learning to do more than just watching TV. Can you find an occupational therapist, perhaps, or a "life coach"-style aide? You may only need a few sessions if you can maintain changes on your own, but you want to go slowly enough that the changes don't overwhelm you or cause burnout. If you do turn out to need an aide to help you long-term, this person could literally prompt you with each step one-by-one, so that you never have to think about the whole overwhelming job and don't get lost in the middle. You wouldn't have to let somebody else do the work for you; you would be doing it yourself, only without the cognitive overload of having to plan and sequence all those steps.

I can see both perspectives here. From your husband's perspective, he's working hard all day and being expected to do your job, too. And from your perspective, that job seems too hard and overwhelming, so you park yourself in front of the TV and hope it goes away. This is a problem that needs to be solved. Neither of you is at fault here, but things do need to change. There are things going undone that neither he nor you has the capacity to do right now, and if you don't do something, you're going to end up living in a messy house and angry at each other all the time. Don't ignore the problem--find a solution. Either you find a way to learn to take care of a house, or you find a way to get those things done for you, but those things need to be done.

The bottom line, as I see it, is that it is your responsibility to make sure that the house gets cleaned--but, at the same time, cleaning it yourself, without help or direction, is not the only way to fulfill that responsibility.

You guys are right, I should keep my house clean since I stay home. I just don't like being told what to do. I'm just really hard headed I guess. I posted this when I was upset so I prob shouldn't of done that. It's hard for me to see any side but my own thanks guys for being honest it's what I needed.

So what are you going to do?

I don't think it's wise for you to just determine to do everything perfectly the first time--you are human and you'll only disappoint yourself. Even experienced home-makers aren't perfect at their jobs.

Here's what I recommend. Write down a list of simple tasks. Start with things that are very straightforward. Have a plan for what you will do if you get stuck--you will, eventually, get stuck, so have a plan for what you'll do when that happens; perhaps another simple task you can move to, or a plan for how to get un-stuck, such as writing down the next steps and checking them off a list.

If you set your expectations too high--if you expect perfection right away--you may be disappointed. Please be kind to yourself: When you make headway, take those things as accomplishments in their own right: "I cleaned the dining room table and piled the dishes on the counter next to the sink," not, "I can't finish doing the dishes." Take things slow and don't beat yourself up for what you haven't done. Your husband probably won't notice until you start to make significant progress; but that's okay. Take your time; you've probably been stuck in front of that TV for a while, and you can't hate yourself for not being able to undo that in a day.

Here's something you might try, if you have the cash: Hire a house-cleaning service, just once, to get the house properly clean. Then, make a list of all the things you need to do to keep it clean, and how often you will need to do them. Then use a planner or post a list: For example, you will always pay the bills on the first day of the month; you will always do the laundry on Wednesdays; you will always vacuum the floors on Saturdays. Have a plan for what you will do if you miss a chore: Postpone to the next day? Skip and re-do it the next time you need to do it?

For now, since you'll need to discuss the house-cleaning service idea with your husband, use this time to practice some of the things you will need to know how to do, take note of any gaps in your skills and brainstorm how you'll fill the gaps. It's very important that you accomplish something today--something small, so you don't fail and disappoint yourself. It'll be a great morale booster if you can say, "I did this today." While it may be only a small part of what you need to do, and while your husband may not even notice, it will be a sign to yourself that you can learn to do this job.

In fact, get up and do it right now. No, really. You don't want to get stuck in front of the computer; you'll only stay there all day. I have transition issues myself; I know how it is. Right now I'm stuck and not getting my coffee from the coffee maker, as I should... come to think of it, I'm going to get up and do that right now, myself, before I forget or it gets too irrelevant.

Last edited by Callista on 27 Sep 2012, 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.