Social skills and faking

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I can't help but feel learning social skills is learning how to fake it. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Generally I have done pretty well in my life, making small talks, give polite comments and wise sounding advices (using memorized stock phrases). But where do you draw the line about what's fake and what's real? I mean when do you feel it's OK to speak what you really think? I pretty much only feel OK to say what I want to say in front of DH, who's my best friend. For other people I always need to put on fake faces. Unfortunately the most difficult cases are my parents. They're so different from me, so messed up, so over-sensitive, I sometimes feel I'm telling outright lies talking to them. A lot of the time my brain is drawing a blank on coming up with appropriate stock phrases to say . If I use the wrong stock phrase then it's the end of the world. I don't respect them, don't care about them, will leave them out on the street to die...etc. The conclusion is always that I need to learn to talk better (using sweeter words and never offend). I asked them if they want me to always fake being nice and they pretty much said yes. They would rather have a daughter who always say nice things than being herself. What happened to what they teach you in preschool about "it's always best to be yourself"? I guess they should add "unless being yourself makes you different."

I understand I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. But I feel we aspies got it worse than NTs because of lack of instinct. I feel overly nervous about offending people, don't know the right thing to say, thus making me avoid people more. I haven't made any new friends in many years. It almost made me miss high school when you could be crude and rude and it's cool, because the other kids were immature, too and had not mastered the art of being nice.

It's really a pity. I really can use some new friends. I don't have trouble communicating, or doing some social activities. I have a lot of interests that are very common, like cooking, music or sewing, and I'm generous and loyal to people I like. But the fear of offending people, saying the wrong thing and not know when it's OK to speak my mind keep me stuck. I know a lot of people but none of them are my friends. I can't talk about any deeper topics with them or share too much with them. This must be an aspie thing, right?

yep. I feel the same way. That is why socialising is so exhausting. I also have realised that being myself and saying what I really think is must often not a good idea. Recently a psychiatrist asked me if i feel like I have to play a role when I am around people. I said yes, thinking that is not so bad, but I could tell by his face that it is in fact bad. I have often gotten into truble for being to honest. I hurt people, I insult people and afterwards I feel confused, guilty and stupid. If I concentrate I can fake it pretty good and people will find me sweet and funny.

Socializing needn't be so much like that. It all depends on how motivated people are to keep a relationship with you. The more power you have in a group / 1-1 relationship, the more you can be yourself. Say, if Bill Gates isn't sweet and smiley to his maid all the time, it's not the same as if you're not sweet and smiley all the time to your parents.

Do you mean I should just toughen up with my parents? I don't know what power I have with them. I haven't lived with them for 20 years or needed anything from them. They never seem to be interested in hearing about my life either. I think we're all keeping contact out of obligation, and "just in case".

I try to be nice to them because I don't like troubles or explosions. I have anxiety disorder and don't deal with stress too well, and I have enough stress already. I don't hope to change them. I just wish I can cope better, and get the nerve to find some friends. I don't really see why anybody would be motivated to become my friend, unless I pretend to be normal.

I always have to fake it at work...and I fake it when I have to meet someone new. But anyone who has known me for a little while sees mostly the real me. I have my husband, and one woman (the mother of my son's playmate) I consider a friend...she doesn't talk very much either, and doesn't seem to mind my quirks. Other than that, the rest get scared off!

I'm a terrible liar... so I tend not to talk much, and when I do, it has to have a purpose, like informing about something.

No, I wasn't talking about doing something. Just that the more important it is for someone to conserve a relationship with you, the more they tolerate from you, therefore the more you can be yourself. Sounds like you're a young adult and your parents are becoming old, so they need you more than you need them - in that sense, I'm not clear why they could get away with dictating how you should behave with them at all times, especially since you don't live in THEIR house. Unless they're paying your living.

Social skills is not necessarily only about having to fake it - it's also about knowing when you're strong enough within a relationship that you can afford to NOT fake it with this person/group.

When I came to the realization that I likely have AS, I told my friend about my suspicions. He pretty much said "Hell no, you don't." After a few more texts he said he likes me the way I am and doesn't want me to change. At the time, I thought "Why would learning this about myself change me?"

I'm starting to see how it has changed me. I now understand more about why I feel the way I do, and I started wondering why I should pretend to like or do things that make me uncomfortable that don't really have a negative impact on anything. I'm starting to actually say something to others when situations make me nervous. I'm more honest with myself and as a result, I'm more honest and forthcoming to others about my feelings.

I'm not trying to hide my true behaviors from others as much as I used to, which makes me feel more at ease around people.

I definitely feel like I'm faking it when taking part in social pleasantries.

I disagree... learning social skills will give you the tools to start understanding what the hell the NTs are talking about

I'm 40 and have moved out 20 years ago, and been married for 14 years. Hardly a young adult. No I don't need them for anything really, I'm keeping touch with them because I still care about them. Yes they are getting old, and though their tempers are a bit tuned down now, they are more insecure than before, and project their insecurity everywhere. It's hard to shake the emotional baggage. I don't think they ever got used to the idea that their children are adults now. Just not too long ago they complained about the way my brother talked back to adults (them). My brother is 43.

I think I' a bit traumatized by my family and thus become suspicious and nervous of other people. Being an aspie doesn't help with this figuring out other people thing. I know I need to work on the fear and keep telling myself that I don't have much to lose.