Marriage getting worse and worse

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I'm one of those people who needs a lot of structure in their life. I've been managing and controlling my anxiety throughout my life by staying on top of things that stress me out (generally all of my responsibilities) and keeping a routine throughout my day. Until I got married (2 years ago) this had been working very well for me, and I was generally a happy person who was functioning just fine. Since then, I feel like I've just been on a downward spiral, or just barely treading water, trying to keep from sinking. The life is being sucked out of me, and has been since day one. My husband is completely incapable of maintaining any amount of structure. He's not required to be at work during any specific time, so he goes in whenever he feels like it, and comes home whenever he's worked enough hours. This alone is enough to drive me insane. He does whatever he feels like, whenever he feels like it - even if that means enjoying a walk in the park when the lawn hasn't been mowed in three weeks. It doesn't dawn on him that the only one there to pick up the slack is me (no matter how many times or ways I try to explain it). We both have AS so I can't see myself ever being able to adapt to his way of life in any way (especially since we have a child to be responsible for now), and he feels the same way about mine. The only solution that's ever worked is for me to literally take on every single responsibility that the house/our marriage/our son/etc. requires. I've created a routine that my son and I live on (which is good for my son as well) and my husband just does whatever he wants and ignores it. It seems as though he's always trying to do something productive, but never actually contributing to what needs to be done in a meaningful way. While I do feel a little bit better about my own day-to-day life by just accepting that he's not going to participate in it, I end up just resenting him for it. I'm so stressed out trying to sell our home (because he won't help me take care of it), manage my sons life (food/diapers/daycare/early intervention/fun/sleep habits/etc./etc...), manage our money, run a freelancing business to pay for the daycare so that I can have time to do all of this with no help, cook every meal we eat, clean (must be spotless for real estate showings), make sure the acre of lawn is mowed (I had to hire someone to help me with it because we can only afford a push mower), my own assessment and therapy, try to fix our marriage with little participation on his part, errands...the list goes on and on. He says that he's trying, and I do believe him, but it's been 6 months and his trying hasn't changed anything. In fact, I feel like he's just making things worse. For example, his idea of "reducing my stress" involved hiding a major purchase that he had to make because he knew I would worry about being able to pay the bills. Obviously I found out anyway, and than I just had to deal with the stress of him not telling me about it on top of it and worrying about him doing it again. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but he's honestly driving me into a giant pit of depression! I am seeing an AS specialist who can hopefully help me to deal with this better, but I don't see that helping me to not resent my husband for dumping all of our "joint" responsibilities on me. I mean, if he honestly has these limitations, the least he can do is try to get some help.

What do I do! I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like I'm married to an irresponsible teenage boy. It doesn't help that he wears a backpack to work everyday

Somehow, I doubt he was much different before you got married. Did you have expectations that he would change? If so, you've probably discovered that really, people usually don't change. Does he realize there's a problem? Have you tried expressing these feelings (calmly) to him? Have you tried seeing a therapist (individually and/or as a couple)?

You said, but really you two need to work out some sort of compromise if you want to save your marriage. That's what relationships seem to be about. Granted it seems like you're doing a lot of compromising already, but you both might need to change the way you do things a little.

It sounds like you two could really benefit from some counseling with someone who is familiar with AS.

Best of luck to you!

The thing is, we didn't live together before marriage (we're religious). I had no idea that his mother was taking care of him for the most part because he had his own apartment. It turns out that she was doing his laundry and cooking many of his meals. I assume that his room mate must have been taking care of most of the upkeep of the apartment because it was relatively tidy. So, did I expect him to change? No, I just didn't know what I had signed up for. He does know that there's a problem, and I've tried every way that I can think of to express these things to him, including talking, emailing, making lists, white boards, calendars, phone notifications, books and videos. We saw a therapist together once. My husband sat there and lied to the therapist, than he admit that he was lying, and than went on to admit that he lies all the time. The therapist told me to move out. I wish I was kidding.



I really am trying, and I'm hoping that my behavioral therapist will introduce me to some ways that I can control my anxiety without needing such a rigid routine (so that maybe he can come to help out "in his own time" on some things). This is an AS specialist that I'm seeing, and he agreed to council us if my husband will go through the behavioral centers intake process first. My husband agreed but has yet to schedule an appointment, despite my "gentle" reminders (they really are gentle). The only way I'm going to get him in there is to throw a huge fit, and than he'll point a finger at me and call me a nag. I feel like I can't win.

Thanks for the advice though.

I'm sorry...it sounds like you're having a tough time of it. Have you considered that perhaps you should take your therapist's advice? That's obviously not an easy decision, but it is one of your options. For your child's sake though, try your best! (Sorry that sounds so trite...)

Thanks, I've been considering it since he said it. My husband knows that I'm considering it too, and I certainly didn't tell him in order to threaten him...I'm just trying to help him to understand the severity of the situation. It really is a last resort in my mind, but I am beginning to increase my income in case it comes down to that.

May I inquiry as to the age of your husband?

Sure, he's 25.

I wouldn’t say this is true in all cases, but I have noticed not only in my own life but also in other males I know, that we really don’t reach a strong maturely level until we are around 30. Again I am not stating this as fact but rather as an observation. With that being said it sounds like you are dealing with an individual who doesn’t understand there are consequences for their actions, this comes from a lack of maturity. You may have to stop doing all the chores and taking care of all the responsibilities, within reason of course. Do this for yourself and your child, you are being overwhelmed it seems. As much as I hate to say it you may have to leave him to show him the way he is acting is irresponsible and unacceptable. He is a husband and a father and the time to act like one is now not when he feels like it. Doing what you are doing is only enabling him and you are not doing him or you any favors by doing so. I am under no illusion that this will not be hard for you; it will be hard to make a decision, and even harder if you don’t make one.

I hope the best for you and your family, cheers.

I wasted my youth on a manchild like your husband. I felt like my life truly began when I divorced him, and now I have everything I ever needed to make me happy. Executive dysfunction does not get better, I'm sorry to say.

I hate to say this but I think you be better off divorcing him. I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that and if no change has been made, leave. Things aren't working out and you two are not compatible. He could also be bullshitting when he is saying he is trying but really he may not even be trying and just keep doing what he is doing. Also he sounds like a terrible father. You have not said he helps out with your son and you said you have to do everything for your son.

For one thing stop cooking for him.

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I was hoping that someone would provide a magical solution :/

Is that what this is called? I'm still kind of new to AS, we've only known about it for a few months really.

You know, I actually did...because I was too depressed to cook for a good 3 or 4 months. He happily ate whatever crap he could find in the cabinets or whatever processed boxed junk I managed to throw together. He actually did cook a few times (like 3) though, so I guess that's something. Eventually I pulled myself together and started cooking again and nothing is really any different.

Sorry, but after two failed marriages that went similar to this, all I can say is start planning your exit strategy, because it will only get worse.

There's only two ways to make a relationship work; when the members of the relationship are carrying their own weight and when one member is carrying more than their weight and doesn't mind (and can comfortably manage it).

You clearly can't go on as things are, and he clearly can't/won't change. I'm sorry, but it's time to leave. Think of it as removing dead weight. Chances are good that once you do move on with your life and get settled again you'll be much happier.