Aspies DO have the desire to having social contacts. Right?

Page 1 of 4 [ 61 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

omid
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2006
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 323

04 Oct 2012, 4:16 am

Hi,
I'm just wondering. I'm quite new in this field.
I have been always been too stupid or incapable of making friends or making contacts with new people BUT i have (at least) always had the desire of having friends and contacts (quite much so - although i have almost never managed to have any frankly)
I'm wondering if that is the case with other people with asperger's or maybe you DON'T even have the desire? I'm kind of sure the hardcore autistic folks don't (please correct me if i'm wrong)
I'm asking this because i'm still unsure whether I have AS or not.

Cheerz
Omid



Dillogic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,339

04 Oct 2012, 4:24 am

Some do, some don't.

The some don't part appears to be bigger than the average population though (it is a criterion in one diagnostic tool after all).



Zodai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,023
Location: Walnut Creek/Concord, California

04 Oct 2012, 4:27 am

Well, the reality is that both NTs and AS' (From my perspective) both have a need to be understood. The problem is, AS is much harder to be understood than NT, as NT has a large majority over AS.

They're both seeking for the same thing; it's just more difficult. Sometimes; I'll end up spending upwards of three days planning out 20 second conversations in advance; so I don't end up having a meltdown on the spot >_<

It can be difficult - But there is always an answer somewhere. If not in the NT world, then definitely somewhere on WP, and the broader entire AS world.

It's just that after enough failures, some AS' tend to get desensitized to the thought of being able to communicate with an NT. Which is some pretty serious depression. (Help them out! xD)



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 24,965
Location: UK

04 Oct 2012, 4:32 am

I don't know with me. I fear loneliness, so I want friends, even if it means having friends that may treat me the way I shouldn't be treated, I still irrationally would rather that than be a loner. But that's besides the point.

Let's just say social norms and conformism is a very strong river with a fast overpowering current, and I'm caught up in it, being dragged away from land and being unable to swim to land because the river is gushing too fast. I don't really want to be caught up in this river, I'm finding it hard to swim and I can't get back on to land. This is what conformity is like with me. I sort of go along with it, not because I choose to, but because I feel have no choice. I don't want to stand out from the norm, but at the same time it's hard not to and I find myself semi-automatically going along with it.


_________________
Female
Aged 32

Diagnosed with ADHD
Have RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria)
Have Anxiety Disorder
Diagnosed with mild ASD but I don't identify as autistic


Zodai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,023
Location: Walnut Creek/Concord, California

04 Oct 2012, 5:02 am

Joe90 wrote:
I don't know with me. I fear loneliness, so I want friends, even if it means having friends that may treat me the way I shouldn't be treated, I still irrationally would rather that than be a loner. But that's besides the point.

Let's just say social norms and conformism is a very strong river with a fast overpowering current, and I'm caught up in it, being dragged away from land and being unable to swim to land because the river is gushing too fast. I don't really want to be caught up in this river, I'm finding it hard to swim and I can't get back on to land. This is what conformity is like with me. I sort of go along with it, not because I choose to, but because I feel have no choice. I don't want to stand out from the norm, but at the same time it's hard not to and I find myself semi-automatically going along with it.


IMO Being normal and just going along with the crowd is too boring. If you're in high school; trying to establish some form of a relationship with teachers (At least to the point where you can talk to them calmly about a common interest) then you'll start to stand out. Depending on your personality, this could be a good thing or a bad thing, but if it turns out bad you can always try and get some form of safety from said teacher.

Hell, I somehow got nominated for most school spirit. Voting isn't finished yet though xD.

Someone who just goes along with the crowd disappears along with it. It's too boring trying to be normal.



kotshka
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jun 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 653
Location: Prague

04 Oct 2012, 5:10 am

Most people with asperger syndrome do want friends and social contact, we just don't know how. We try to make friends but our social skills are horrible and we unwittingly make other people uncomfortable, so they don't want to be around us anymore. We never figure out what we're doing wrong unless someone tells us, and since most people learn these things without being taught, it would never occur to them to teach someone.

Autistic people can learn social skills, but it doesn't happen naturally. It takes help and practice and training. If we put in enough work, however, we can be successful and find friends who don't mind (or even enjoy) the fact that we're a bit odd.

Also, I have my own personal theory that those with AS who are not interested in other people have developed that way because of rejection while growing up. It doesn't seem worth it anymore, so they stop trying and decide to just be alone. It's just my theory, of course, and I can't speak for others. People on the more "severe" end of the autistic spectrum, according to what I've heard, are less interested in other people - but of course, many of them are unable to communicate, so it's possible (perhaps even likely) they want love and affection and just don't have any way to show it.

The desire to be loved, valued, and understood is a very human one, and while aspies may be different, we're still human.



OJani
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,505
Location: Hungary

04 Oct 2012, 5:34 am

kotshka wrote:
Most people with asperger syndrome do want friends and social contact, we just don't know how. We try to make friends but our social skills are horrible and we unwittingly make other people uncomfortable, so they don't want to be around us anymore. We never figure out what we're doing wrong unless someone tells us, and since most people learn these things without being taught, it would never occur to them to teach someone.

Autistic people can learn social skills, but it doesn't happen naturally. It takes help and practice and training. If we put in enough work, however, we can be successful and find friends who don't mind (or even enjoy) the fact that we're a bit odd.

Also, I have my own personal theory that those with AS who are not interested in other people have developed that way because of rejection while growing up. It doesn't seem worth it anymore, so they stop trying and decide to just be alone. It's just my theory, of course, and I can't speak for others. People on the more "severe" end of the autistic spectrum, according to what I've heard, are less interested in other people - but of course, many of them are unable to communicate, so it's possible (perhaps even likely) they want love and affection and just don't have any way to show it.

The desire to be loved, valued, and understood is a very human one, and while aspies may be different, we're still human.

Well said. As for myself, I'm DXd with PDD-NOS, and I have a desire to socialize. As a kid, I enjoyed talking to and playing with one other kid at a time, but sometimes I preferred playing alone. When my isolation grew in primary school I increasingly felt lonely. After many years I gradually learned how to keep friendships alive, it took a while though. Shared interests are a key in most cases in my opinion just as knowing what give-and-take means in practice.



Dillogic
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,339

04 Oct 2012, 5:55 am

kotshka wrote:
Most people with asperger syndrome do want friends and social contact, we just don't know how.


How do you know that "most" do? Any studies done?

All I know is that Gillberg's Criteria for AS has (I also know of another less known criteria for AS that actually requires it; these are just as official as the DSM and ICD-10):

Quote:
1.Severe impairment in reciprocal social interaction (at least two of the following)
(a) inability to interact with peers
(b) lack of desire to interact with peers
(c) lack of appreciation of social cues
(d) socially and emotionally inappropriate behavior


So, there's a big possibility there.

I also know of some people with AS who have no desire to form relations: they don't mind it if they're there, but they don't actually have any desire to go out and do it.



Palakol
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 2 Aug 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 244

04 Oct 2012, 6:52 am

I usually do, but I just hate people.



The_Walrus
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,332
Location: Reading, England

04 Oct 2012, 7:24 am

I don't desire to make new contact with people, but if I do have any sort of relationship with someone, I want it to be healthy and strong. I want to get on with people at work and school and hold meaningful and interesting conversations with them.



JellyCat
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 1 Sep 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 338
Location: U.K.

04 Oct 2012, 7:26 am

I love socialising, and have a lot of will to do so. I can't go 3days without socialising in some way.



outofplace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jun 2012
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,771
Location: In A State of Quantum Flux

04 Oct 2012, 8:01 am

I'm self-diagnosed and I do desire to have people in my life. However, the difference with me would be that I really don't have much use for the superficial "drinking buddy" type friendships. I only like to have intimate, close friendships where I can trust the other party. This way, I understand their social signals and can tell if I am getting good natured teasing rather than seeing it as a threat.

I also do not always mind being recognized at businesses I frequent. Sometimes I find it annoying though, especially if they learn what my name is and call me by it all the time. I prefer to have a little bit of anonymity. If I am entering a typically social place though, like a pool hall, I do not want to go in alone. I have to have someone with me that I already know quite well. Otherwise I just feel too awkward and will want to leave immediately. Even with someone else there I still will want to leave early most of the time and usually prefer to have brought my own car so that the option exists for me.


_________________
Uncertain of diagnosis, either ADHD or Aspergers.
Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic


hanyo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,302

04 Oct 2012, 8:11 am

I'm not interested in socializing. I can easily go weeks at a time without even leaving the house.



SilverDragonfly
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 15 Aug 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 15

04 Oct 2012, 8:35 am

I get all the socialization I need from my husband and daughter. We are all AS so it works out well anyway.



Underscore
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,036

04 Oct 2012, 8:35 am

I had a superficial desire to have social contacts. It was the way to go, without any alternatives. But my core desires are to be alone, without contact. Except when I need to.



thewhitrbbit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,124

04 Oct 2012, 8:40 am

Some do, some don't.

I sometimes wonder if the ones who don't truly don't, or are just worn out.