Female Aspies: Attracting abusive relationships

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Ai_Ling
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10 Oct 2012, 9:55 am

I've never been in an abusive relationship. I dated a guy for a few months in which I later figured out could have lead to an abusive relationship because he was controlling and wouldn't allow the response "no". But he "claimed" to be another aspie so in the end, I outsmarted him socially so I was not taken advantage of. He did a rather poor job at trying to manipulate me being aspie as well that was. If this was an NT guy, I think I would have fell into a trap. I was raised a huge skeptic because of my father. But I also have some good NT friends who I can consult. That's one thing that many aspie females lack that many NT females normally have is a circle of friends that will watch after them.



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10 Oct 2012, 10:57 am

Moondust wrote:
This pattern of being chosen by controlling people because I give off vibes of being easy to control (when actually the opposite is true about me) happens to me with everyone, not only romantic relationships but also friends. I've been a lot happier since I gave up on humans, for this reason.

Therapists insist that same way as the abusers choose us, we choose abusers, unconsciously, due to childhood trauma. However, if these therapists understood AS in depth, they'd know that I don't choose these people. I end up with them because the non-abusers pass up on me.


+1.

It's amazing how many people mistake "nonchalance" for "submissiveness.


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10 Oct 2012, 11:11 am

Ai_Ling wrote:
I've never been in an abusive relationship. I dated a guy for a few months in which I later figured out could have lead to an abusive relationship because he was controlling and wouldn't allow the response "no". But he "claimed" to be another aspie so in the end, I outsmarted him socially so I was not taken advantage of. He did a rather poor job at trying to manipulate me being aspie as well that was. If this was an NT guy, I think I would have fell into a trap. I was raised a huge skeptic because of my father. But I also have some good NT friends who I can consult. That's one thing that many aspie females lack that many NT females normally have is a circle of friends that will watch after them.



That does already sound abusive but you got out before it escalated.


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League_Girl
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10 Oct 2012, 11:40 am

One of my ex boyfriends was abused by his ex girlfriend and he couldn't prove it in court. She always had a reason for every mark she left on his body he would show to the judge. One of them be "I was defending myself" and he always took her side because she is a woman. She even raped him too in his sleep and she got away with it because she is a woman and lot of people still have the concept that men can't be raped. I even wondered how he got raped when he was bigger and stronger than her and he told me the pills he was on for his back, the side effect of it made him a deep sleeper so he slept through her being on top of him having sex. Then he happened to wake up one night and caught her on top of him and he pushed her off. But it kept happening after that because he always woke up in a wet bed. He was a bed wetter due to his medical condition and she always took his diaper off and wouldn't put it back on. She was a very good manipulator and he told me all it takes is to be a woman and lie to the judge and he believes her because she is a woman. He had to learn to play her games too in court by trying to turn it around on her. For one, he took the lie detector test to prove he did not rape her daughter. He also brought his medical papers to court about his back condition and he made his ex sound look like an ass because she was trying to convince everyone he loves his diapers and likes wearing them.


But yet I heard a story from my husband about man who was raped by three women and he had no problem putting them in jail. I said that must have been one smart judge he had but how on earth was he raped by three woman? Did they all gang up on him and he couldn't fight them all off because three of them was too much and he told me he was in a wheelchair and they raped him with a dildo. I said "that's why" because he was in a wheelchair, the judge saw how vulnerable he is so he be unable to fend for himself so the woman got busted when he took them to court. So if you are a guy and in a wheelchair and you get raped, people will believe you.


But it is a possibility my ex may have been emotionally abusive (going by my experience with him) and she was just psychically abusive. Sometimes both people abuse each other in a relationship but I only heard his side. I never heard from his ex about her relationship she had with him.


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ADoyle90815
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10 Oct 2012, 3:32 pm

I was in an abusive marriage, that I managed to get out of when it started turning physical as it started out as verbal abuse. I'm just fortunate that I got out before there were any children, and that he never threw out my birth control or poked holes in condoms. I did get therapy for years, and it was the therapist who first suggested I might have Asperger's. At least my ex never knew as he would have used that against me, as another way to be abusive as he said some cruel things about my cousin who was a micropreemie and was developmentally delayed as a result of his birth. My ex-husband wasn't just an NT, I also think he was a serious narcissist who blamed everyone else for things that went wrong. Towards the end of that marriage, I was ready to blame myself for his grandpa's dementia or his mom's rheumatoid arthritis, as he already blamed me for stuff I couldn't have had any control over.

After therapy and around the time I got diagnosed with Asperger's by the person the therapist referred me to, I eventually got involved with my now-fiancee who has never been abusive at all, and considers my ex-husband to be a major coward. I do think he has Aspie traits, so it might be one reason we're still together and seriously talking about marriage.



Galymia
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10 Oct 2012, 7:13 pm

I was in a verbally abusive relationship once, until I conked him over the head with an empty Jack Daniels bottle and left him. No one talks to me that way and gets away with it. It only lasted a month and I met my future husband. Now I'm happily married to him and couldn't be happier.



emimeni
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10 Oct 2012, 8:40 pm

ADoyle90815 wrote:
I was in an abusive marriage, that I managed to get out of when it started turning physical as it started out as verbal abuse. I'm just fortunate that I got out before there were any children, and that he never threw out my birth control or poked holes in condoms. I did get therapy for years, and it was the therapist who first suggested I might have Asperger's. At least my ex never knew as he would have used that against me, as another way to be abusive as he said some cruel things about my cousin who was a micropreemie and was developmentally delayed as a result of his birth. My ex-husband wasn't just an NT, I also think he was a serious narcissist who blamed everyone else for things that went wrong. Towards the end of that marriage, I was ready to blame myself for his grandpa's dementia or his mom's rheumatoid arthritis, as he already blamed me for stuff I couldn't have had any control over.

After therapy and around the time I got diagnosed with Asperger's by the person the therapist referred me to, I eventually got involved with my now-fiancee who has never been abusive at all, and considers my ex-husband to be a major coward. I do think he has Aspie traits, so it might be one reason we're still together and seriously talking about marriage.


IMHO, it takes some serious short circuiting in your brain to be a narcissist. So, your husband was a jerk, but not an NT jerk if he actually was a narcissist.


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feelingforsnow
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10 Oct 2012, 9:00 pm

Ai_Ling wrote:
I've never been in an abusive relationship. I dated a guy for a few months in which I later figured out could have lead to an abusive relationship because he was controlling and wouldn't allow the response "no". But he "claimed" to be another aspie so in the end, I outsmarted him socially so I was not taken advantage of. He did a rather poor job at trying to manipulate me being aspie as well that was. If this was an NT guy, I think I would have fell into a trap. I was raised a huge skeptic because of my father. But I also have some good NT friends who I can consult. That's one thing that many aspie females lack that many NT females normally have is a circle of friends that will watch after them.


This is definitley true for me. I have a hard time making friends, and as of now, have zero friends. It doesn't help whenever I get in a relationship, we tend to move far far away from where we met. It gives me an additional sense of isolation. For instance, I never wanted to moved to Dallas Texas, but my husband insisted we move here, far away from my family. Although perhaps not purposely abusive, it gives our relationship a twinge of abuse of power, with me being subordinate. And dependent. I appreciate though, that he takes care of me financially, but he uses it as power over my head. Just the other day, he loudly proclaims that I don't own anything we have. Even though I work full time, I spend alot of money on bodywork and acupuncture. The car that I drive is in his name technically, but I drive it all day everyday. I'm attached to it and fond of the car. I assumed it was "my car". It was traumatic for me, for him to angrily say that the car was not mine. That nothing was mine.

Also, he always says I can divorce him anytime, but he doubts how I will survive. I really don't know what to do. I always tell him to stop yelling, as it skyrockets my cortisol and stress levels. But he still does it. He says I should accept it because that's the way he talks. And he does talk loud to his friends. I just notice he reserves a special louder volume of voice for me when he wants to unload his frustrations.

I'm having a really hard time right now actually. In my life. Multiple things going on, I just lost a life long potential friendship/unrequited true love. I hurt my back. I don't know about my job. My future. All my relationships suck. Coworkers are cruel etc.

Please pray for me.



feelingforsnow
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10 Oct 2012, 9:07 pm

Also, he says all I am good for is sex. Which was probably true in the beginning, because in the past, thats how I learned to get love. And I had no life skills. I could trick people into loving me this way, being promiscuous. I know that's sounds bad, and its gotten me into trouble, my desperate need for affection attention and love. I've used sex for attention. Otherwise, I won't get any. I got married 4 months into the relationship with my husband. He didn't realize I have AS. He thought I was just shy, nature loving and compliant. Alot of AS stuff is coming out now, and I find he is not really interested in learning about it.

If someone you're with discovers you have AS, and doesn't demonstrate any interest in it, ie looking it up on the web, asking questions about it, talking with you about it, does that mean the person doesn't care about you?

I feel that my husband only wants to uphold this illusion of me he has in his mind. He says I don't have AS. I know I do. My dad does, and its obvious from looking at my atrocious life. But he has no interest in learning about me. Does this mean he is trying to deny my true existence? Does this mean he is not actually a friend, but perhaps only a business partner?

OMG, I am so overwhelmed lately, and sad. Very very sad. I have lost so much recently, and I'm thinking about divorce now.



feelingforsnow
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10 Oct 2012, 9:15 pm

I'm reluctant to get a divorce because its the only thing I have, that grounds me. Its predictable. Otherwise, I don't know how I survive on my own. I just left my full time position for part time, because I wanted to get away from devastatingly hurtful coworker experiences.

Overall, I think we aspies post all the pain of our lives on these forums. But I do relish my internal world, what's left of it after NT's demolish my serenity. Its like I"ve always been hated for my sense of peace. MY sense of non-participation in group think. My individual joy of being not dependent on reflection. My joy is connected to source, and not connected with other humans. NT's hate that. They want what you got. They want your ability to feel internal joy and peace. Because they are stuck in a world that is socially dependent, they have to reflect each other all the time, and we don't. We are the enemy.

Down with NT's.



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10 Oct 2012, 10:00 pm

Feelingforsnow, do you have any knowledge of a place near you where you can get counseling or other services as a person on the spectrum? Please tell someone face-to-face what's happening to you. I'm worried about you. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Please continue to post of your progress, so we can know when you're all right.

Yunilimo, stay strong. I'll also be glad to see how things go for you.

As for abuse between women (or between men) in romantic relationships, I think there's been great fear of reporting it, lest homophobes add abuse to the reasons for thinking that being gay is wrong.

I consider it highly important - vital, in fact - to monitor how I behave during times of meltdowns, outbursts, or whatever, as well as in my general conduct, so that I keep myself from making my partner think I blame her for things that aren't her fault or that I'm mad at her when I'm not. I try to be very clear and use all the self-control I can muster or all the apology and explanation I can gather if I have insufficient control or make a mistake. Treating her, and others, with respect is a top priority for me, as I know I can be very difficult to live with. I guess that, the more aware of and concerned about abuse I am, the more I feel the need to conduct myself as well as I possibly can. Meditation, when I can get to it, helps, btw.


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C0MPAQ
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11 Oct 2012, 7:37 pm

Callista wrote:
we might have weird neurology, but autism doesn't make you paradoxically "want" to be mistreated.


Speaking for myself, I fully understand now why I gravitate towards women with BPD and BDSM relationships. It is just that if you are mistreated from childhood (no matter if your parents were aware of it or not), naturally just by being different, you can't help to learn emotionally that pain and abuse also equals love. No matter what you rationally believe to be true, the fact remains that most of the love your parents wanted to give you also made you suffer deeply (except you had parents who respected your disorder from the beginning, the vast majority doesn't really do that). Also a lot of the mother-child relationship mechanisms don't really work out for autistics. They are a relationship mess, somewhat similar to as if everyone else had borderline personality disorder.

So you could say, by applying generally accepted psychology, that autistics must be more likely to gravitate emotionally towards abusive relationships, disregarding what they actually decide to do with that in the end or how it might work out while in a relationship.


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11 Oct 2012, 8:15 pm

C0MPAQ wrote:
Speaking for myself, I fully understand now why I gravitate towards women with BPD and BDSM relationships. It is just that if you are mistreated from childhood (no matter if your parents were aware of it or not), naturally just by being different, you can't help to learn emotionally that pain and abuse also equals love. No matter what you rationally believe to be true, the fact remains that most of the love your parents wanted to give you also made you suffer deeply (except you had parents who respected your disorder from the beginning, the vast majority doesn't really do that). Also a lot of the mother-child relationship mechanisms don't really work out for autistics. They are a relationship mess, somewhat similar to as if everyone else had borderline personality disorder.


This is not true. I experienced a lot of abuse and bullying in childhood, and all that I want to do when anyone tries it on me as an adult is to stay as far away as possible.

The parental abuse I experienced was from a psychopath. My relationship with my mother is complicated and frustrating, but not abusive.

Quote:
So you could say, by applying generally accepted psychology, that autistics must be more likely to gravitate emotionally towards abusive relationships, disregarding what they actually decide to do with that in the end or how it might work out while in a relationship.


No, because this isn't generally accepted psychology. This is an anecdote you produced from your own experiences.

I got into an abusive relationship because I didn't know how relationships worked or how to spot red flags. I did not get into an abusive relationship because I cannot separate abuse from love. If anything, I spend too much of my time analyzing what constitutes abuse.



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11 Oct 2012, 10:43 pm

And the fourth possibility is that people who are not normally abusers because they don't dare be with the place they have in the NT pecking order, find their golden opportunity with an aspie. I fled my ex husband the day he threatened to kill me a year into the marriage, now he's been married for 15 years and she's still alive.


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13 Oct 2012, 10:26 am

One more thing that I noticed... Somehow, I can be way too tolerant... Things that should make me feel bad emotionally and react, don't make me feel bad, or at least not when it happens... There is a delay that can be counted in hours, sometimes in days... So, unless the offensive behavior is still going on, or really really bad, I simply don't think about it anymore. 8O Or better said : I don't notice it.