Female Aspies: Attracting abusive relationships

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MindWithoutWalls
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13 Oct 2012, 1:33 pm

I sometimes have a delay or fail to notice things. But I also sometimes have trouble drawing the line as to how bad things should be allowed to get, if they can't be resolved, before I know i need to get out. I keep giving the benefit of the doubt and waiting for something bad enough to justify departure, so that I don't worry that I have to explain and justify my actions. Maybe that's something to do with abusers not thinking they're abusive, so they might keep after you about why you're getting away, the way a genuinely confused person would if they've done nothing wrong but accidentally triggered your emotions or have made a mistake but a forgivable and not really bad one. Also, I have to distinguish between being socially overloaded and being treated in a way that's hurting me, and sometimes that can be tough.

Social interaction is simply hard. We do our best, but we can get confused by complicated things and between what's simply challenging and what's real abuse. Potentially abusive people find that easy to take advantage of, and our behaviors that are hard for others to understand or to deal with get used as an excuse to justify the way we get treated, whether it's really even in response to that or not. It's really just convenient for them.


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Domisoldo
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13 Oct 2012, 2:45 pm

I see what you mean... Starting relationships can make me especially confused, because I don't know the other person well enough, yet... So, when I feel the urge to end it, I don't know if I'm right or not to feel uncomfortable. If it will pass as I know the person better, or if I really have to get away from that person.



nostromo
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14 Oct 2012, 1:56 am

League_Girl wrote:
One of my ex boyfriends was abused by his ex girlfriend and he couldn't prove it in court. She always had a reason for every mark she left on his body he would show to the judge. One of them be "I was defending myself" and he always took her side because she is a woman. She even raped him too in his sleep and she got away with it because she is a woman and lot of people still have the concept that men can't be raped. I even wondered how he got raped when he was bigger and stronger than her and he told me the pills he was on for his back, the side effect of it made him a deep sleeper so he slept through her being on top of him having sex. Then he happened to wake up one night and caught her on top of him and he pushed her off. But it kept happening after that because he always woke up in a wet bed. He was a bed wetter due to his medical condition and she always took his diaper off and wouldn't put it back on. She was a very good manipulator and he told me all it takes is to be a woman and lie to the judge and he believes her because she is a woman. He had to learn to play her games too in court by trying to turn it around on her. For one, he took the lie detector test to prove he did not rape her daughter. He also brought his medical papers to court about his back condition and he made his ex sound look like an ass because she was trying to convince everyone he loves his diapers and likes wearing them.

But yet I heard a story from my husband about man who was raped by three women and he had no problem putting them in jail. I said that must have been one smart judge he had but how on earth was he raped by three woman? Did they all gang up on him and he couldn't fight them all off because three of them was too much and he told me he was in a wheelchair and they raped him with a dildo. I said "that's why" because he was in a wheelchair, the judge saw how vulnerable he is so he be unable to fend for himself so the woman got busted when he took them to court. So if you are a guy and in a wheelchair and you get raped, people will believe you.

But it is a possibility my ex may have been emotionally abusive (going by my experience with him) and she was just psychically abusive. Sometimes both people abuse each other in a relationship but I only heard his side. I never heard from his ex about her relationship she had with him.

Mental note to self: Don't ever visit the batshit-crazy place where League_Girl has the misfortune to reside 8O



League_Girl
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14 Oct 2012, 2:08 am

nostromo wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
One of my ex boyfriends was abused by his ex girlfriend and he couldn't prove it in court. She always had a reason for every mark she left on his body he would show to the judge. One of them be "I was defending myself" and he always took her side because she is a woman. She even raped him too in his sleep and she got away with it because she is a woman and lot of people still have the concept that men can't be raped. I even wondered how he got raped when he was bigger and stronger than her and he told me the pills he was on for his back, the side effect of it made him a deep sleeper so he slept through her being on top of him having sex. Then he happened to wake up one night and caught her on top of him and he pushed her off. But it kept happening after that because he always woke up in a wet bed. He was a bed wetter due to his medical condition and she always took his diaper off and wouldn't put it back on. She was a very good manipulator and he told me all it takes is to be a woman and lie to the judge and he believes her because she is a woman. He had to learn to play her games too in court by trying to turn it around on her. For one, he took the lie detector test to prove he did not rape her daughter. He also brought his medical papers to court about his back condition and he made his ex sound look like an ass because she was trying to convince everyone he loves his diapers and likes wearing them.

But yet I heard a story from my husband about man who was raped by three women and he had no problem putting them in jail. I said that must have been one smart judge he had but how on earth was he raped by three woman? Did they all gang up on him and he couldn't fight them all off because three of them was too much and he told me he was in a wheelchair and they raped him with a dildo. I said "that's why" because he was in a wheelchair, the judge saw how vulnerable he is so he be unable to fend for himself so the woman got busted when he took them to court. So if you are a guy and in a wheelchair and you get raped, people will believe you.

But it is a possibility my ex may have been emotionally abusive (going by my experience with him) and she was just psychically abusive. Sometimes both people abuse each other in a relationship but I only heard his side. I never heard from his ex about her relationship she had with him.

Mental note to self: Don't ever visit the batshit-crazy place where League_Girl has the misfortune to reside 8O



That s**t can happen anywhere.


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Yunilimo
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14 Oct 2012, 6:01 am

Domisoldo wrote:
I see what you mean... Starting relationships can make me especially confused, because I don't know the other person well enough, yet... So, when I feel the urge to end it, I don't know if I'm right or not to feel uncomfortable. If it will pass as I know the person better, or if I really have to get away from that person.


I have the EXACT same experience... Very wary at the beginning of a relationship, but usually I pursue... and then, when there are red flags all over the place, I choose to ignore them because "I'm not sure"... I want to make absolutely certain that I truly understand the person, that I've exhausted all options... But with an abusive person, that is asking for (a lot of) trouble: you could end up dead, or seriously injured, both physcially and emotionally. As I found out in my last relationship :roll:



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14 Oct 2012, 6:56 am

I've been thinking about this for quite a few days now.

NT's are normally often very hostile in love relationships, as are most creatures within the animal kingdom. The kind acts, gestures and cooing are similar to a psychopath fooling another into giving them something they want.

Some species even kill their lover after copulating, many will wound, often.
A mother spider lets her young feed off her body as they hatch
An Australian marsupial mouse screws itself to death
Most female geese down the duck pond have many scars about their head, and about half the female geese only have one eye, the other eye most likely destroyed by a male[maybe another female?]

Many NT lovers have a fight on a regular basis, and then have make up sex.

We are truly from another planet, we are very much different than all earthly creatures...............

This makes me very sad



MindWithoutWalls
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18 Oct 2012, 3:31 pm

I think there are two different problems: those who abuse and those who simply have difficulty understanding and also, maybe, some bad habits that are assumed to be okay. Abusers are people to get away from. The rest we might have hope of working things out with. It's just hard to know the difference, especially when someone who lacks understanding is stubborn and doesn't realize the lack of understanding is the problem. So, the two groups can seem to overlap in that area.

Surfman, I agree that a lot of what goes on in NT relationships is sad. But I also think that many are willing to try to make things better. That's why there are so many self-help/self-improvement books and things around. They want to be better, just as many of us want to work on ourselves to be better at many things. They just don't always know how, just as we don't always know.

I don't think it's all a lost cause. I think it's just a very difficult challenge. There's no way, in anyone's life, to fix something and then guarantee it will never go wrong again, even with the same person, let alone with someone new. At least, if you have someone good around you, you have hope. The problem is knowing when there's no hope, and hope is hard to give up when you like the good things about being with someone and would like them to stop doing the hurtful things so that the good stuff can continue.


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