Teenager with Aspergers being aggressive

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After doing everything I can for my 13 yr old they still continue to be aggressive. Is there anything I can do to reduce the aggression, especially at school. They have recently been put on an anti-anxiety medication and it has alleviated a lot of the symptoms so I was shocked to hear the aggression had happened again at school (it is a specialist school). It's just such a worry and a lonely place I am in

Hi Banrockstation!

I'm sorry for the troubles you and your child are having.

Has anyone taken a look to see what is going on when the aggression happens?

One thing I learned with my son is to look behind the behavior, see what's causing it, fix whatever is causing it, and the behavior typically stops.

Also, just because it's a special school that doesn't mean there aren't other kids there that don't push his buttons (even on purpose) which ends up causing his striking out/aggression.

That's something else I learned. And the kids can often make it look like your son was the problem causer.

My son had his hand stabbed with a pencil but "he was the problem causer".

His face was slammed into a drinking fountain "but he was the problem causer".

Another boy punched him twice in the face in class and the teacher wouldn't let him report it and instead instructed my son to use it a lesson to not invade other people's space (he was leaning over a table looking at another boy's Yu-Gi-Oh cards - not even touching them, just looking). As far as the teacher was concerned it was my son's fault.

Many stories of my son being hurt and then made to look like the problem causer.

Look hard at what's going on. He doesn't want to be angry I'd be willing to bet. My guess is something is setting him off (be it another student, a teacher, or something in the environment) and no one is "in his corner" when it happens.

Something else I had to do was "drill" my son when something happened and he got in trouble because I knew in my heart that it wasn't him. No one else would take the time to find out what had truly happened (and it often takes creative questions).

One time in P.E. my son was slapped in the face. The teacher saw it and sent both boys (mine and the slapper) to the office. On the way there the boy told my son that they were playing a slapping game.

My son took him at his word (which the other kid knew he would) even though, I found out later, it wasn't truly what happened, and so he told the office that they were playing a slapping game. My son got in trouble right along with the other kid.

It took me a bit but I finally learned the truth and then "had it out" with the school.

My son wasn't in a special school but his biggest bully was on an IEP himself.

Good luck with it!!
Diane

As someone with Aspergers, I 100% support what Diane is saying. When I had anger issues, it was because of a deeper issue. Instead of trying to "fix" the aggression, look at the aggression as an effect, not a cause. Look behind it, and then see what is causing it, and fix that.

I can also stand behind DianeDennis's story. I do not have issues with aggression with my son, but I can say that a good deal of his misbehavior is the result of him responding to what someone else is doing and then him being the one "caught." He is in a mainstream setting and some of the cruel kids know exactly how to pull this off. There is also the possibility that--at age 13--some of this is related to the transition to adolescence and hormones, so there may be issues outside of what other kids are doing, but I think it would be illuminating to find out what is happening before the aggression.

My daughter is much younger, but she has had some instances of aggression. Her school psychologist thinks it is because she cannot recognize her own escalation so she is unable to utilize preemptive coping mechanisms because by the time she realizes she is angry, she is ready to blow and past the point where she is able to do anything constructive. They are working with her to recognize "warning signs" that she--and others--are getting angry so that they can then teach her what to do when she notices the signs in herself and others. She also does not recognize when others are annoyed, and so she will often continue to push until the anger erupts. Unfortunately, she actually looks like she is intentionally pushing buttons. But she isn't. She doesn't realize there is a button. She is only focused on her perspective and getting to her ends. She does this even with me. So that is another venue to look into...does he recognize when he is getting angry early enough to use an exit strategy? Does he have a appropriate exit strategy?

BIG hugs for you banrockstation! I also have a 13 yr old with autism. Definitely did see ramping up of aggression relating to what we think are hormones starting a couple of yrs ago but also a bad reaction to his antidepressant was causing the main problem, he is off that now. Also when he gets too tired, too hungry, or overloaded he will hit out. We all believe it is because it is the only way he knows how to deal with things going wrong/feeling wrong. We are trying to teach him relaxation techniques and helping him to identify those negative feelings to self calm or seek help before he is "past the point of no return". He is also on Risperdal, I believe it helps. I never think my son's aggression is done to deliberately hurt others, for him it is an extreme stress reaction... but it doesn't make it any easier, less worrying and it is indeed a lonely place. I never would have imagined my son would be aggressive like this, never thought it would be possible. It is not a reflection on your parenting, help him work out what is triggering it... then you will now how to start tackling it. Good Luck!

Did you by chance find out what triggered the aggression?

Hi everyone sorry if I am a bit slow at this, just trying to get my around how it works. It was a transitional issue, I am just a bit worried about being too specific as could be very easily identified. I also believe a lot of these episodes happen around PE and I would like to know why so have asked school to look into more. I agree with looking at what's happened before to try and decipher what caused the aggression. They used to bite themselves before when angry and now this seems to have stopped and replaced with this. They just seem so out of control when doing it and has even said to me I can't help it as I don't really know I am doing it. School are calling later so hopefully we will get some answers. Thank you so much to everyone who replied and gave me their stories and advice. I find it so hard replying when there are lots of messages but will try and pm when I get a bit of spare time. Thanks again

I agree with what everyone else said here. At the end of my son's most violent/aggressive year, I found out he was being severely bullied by a TEACHER. I had been asking him all year to tell me what was going on, asking questions, in constant contact with the principal and this TEACHER, all who told me my son was the problem and they weren't aware of any issues with other students. My son had a lot of trouble verbalizing things at the time, and he kept telling me no one was making fun of him or bullying him or anything, all year. Then finally about a month before the end of the school year he broke down and tole me all the horrible things his teacher was doing to him, purposely antagonizing him, public embarassment, etc...etc... I was SO ANGRY. Long story short, there was a major aggrivating factor from the least suspected source and although my son was getting blamed for everything and wasn't handling things the way he should have, there was a major contributing factor.

PE was one of the most major difficulties for my son. He needs a structured environment and PE is definitely not (same with lunch). Plus there were too many opportunities for others to bully him, viciously.

We were all over the school about it until they finally instituted (supposedly) some new policies (there were 160 kids with no more than 4 teachers, usually no more than 2 teachers) to keep a better eye on the kids. One being that security and the teachers weren't supposed to stand off to the side and chat, they were supposed to keep an eye on the kids. Didn't happen.

I ended up sitting in the car in the parking lot every day during PE (it was a chain link fence so it was quite simple to monitor. When I saw something start up and my son being attacked I'd run into the office, right through it, and straight to PE to rescue my son. Mind you there were teachers right there that I had to run by to save my son.

One time I was sitting in the parking lot and a major fight broke out during PE (thankfully my son wasn't anywhere near that one) and I laid on my horn for a good two minutes before one of the PE teachers finally looked up and saw the fight and went over to break it up.

Anyhow, we were threatened by the school, they even sent their attorney after us:

http://www.aspergers-and-pdd.com/school ... bully.html

But I stayed on them until we decided (for a myriad of reasons) that it was time to get out of California.

We ended up moving to Washington sight-unseen from California in order to get help for our son (and daughter who is much more "advanced" on the spectrum). It worked, he still has his troubles, and I still had issues with the schools up here, but he never would have survived high school in Victorville (Silverado High School) so having him in high school here made a huge world of difference for him.

Stay on them Banrock... Remember it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. It got to the point where when they saw me coming they'd practically cringe. I wasn't going to let them get away with anything any longer. I fought tooth and nail all the way through to graduation but it worked.

And my son learned that I will always be in his corner which made a HUGE difference in his overall demeanor and ability to get through the day.

I always encourage him to try to resolve things first (self-advocation was one of his IEP goals) but I also assure him that if things aren't resolved then I will be there to back him up.
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As a side note, ALL unstructured environments were bad for him. Assemblies were horrendous. I ended up having to have him excused from assemblies. Restroom breaks with a couple other kids, another bad thing, no structure. As mentioned above (I think) lunches were difficult. Any and all unstructured environments. He got better with this as he moved up grade to grade but there is still some issue with no structure, even now that he's graduated.

Good luck with it!!

Definitely consider hunger as a possible trigger. My mom figured that one out with my 13 year old. At that age you wouldn't think you would have to offer snacks but it made a huge difference. His new "special" school actually encourages it. Also, the hormones really got to him. They are not emotionally prepared to deal with how those changes makes them feel and they get confused. My son started that at 12 and some nights I thought I wish I could just let him move in with his dad so I can escape this for a bit. I wouldn't do it but I thought it. I just kept asking why and even when I got the I don't know answer I asked what he was doing before he felt angry or what was he thinking about etc.. if he kept on with the I don't know why I feel this way I explained to him about changing hormones and how they can make you feel. In some areas our kids have a more sophisticated understanding of things. When they know the "why" they feel more in control. It is their expression and social skills that are different but their intellegence is in many cases superior. I will tell you that it will pass. I almost never see that behavior now.

That's an excellent idea! I had forgotten that one of my son's favorite places to calm down was the nurse's office because she was nice to him and gave him crackers! I had completely forgotten about that.
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Another thought which may or may not work and which may or may not be viewed by others here as a good idea...

Whatever your child's "obsession" is, is it something that can be "carried over to school" if you will?

For example, my son's "obsession" has always been office supplies. When at home, if he was really angry and I couldn't figure it out, I could say "I need to go to OfficeMax" and he was at the front door faster than me, anger forgotten.

Typically all it took was a new binder or a package of pens or pencils. The trip calmed him down and eventually I'd be able to talk to him about what had made him angry earlier.

When he'd overwhelm he'd transfer his papers from binder to binder and back again; the more upset he was the more he'd go back and forth. The other thing that worked was I had a basket of a whole bunch of different pens and pencils and he would go through them forever when he needed to calm down.

It's super simple for the school to keep an extra binder on hand (especially if I paid for it) and they could give that to him and first his anger would drop incredibly just because of the binder (binders are still a big thing for him, even at 19) and then he could calm down more by doing his transferring back and forth.

And any pen that he wasn't familiar with he'd find interesting. Even today he's got a love for pens (I'm the same actually, it's always been one of my obsessions and the main reason I had a basket of varying pens for him to go through).

Depending on what your child's obsession is, maybe it could be "rolled into" school somehow so when he is to the aggressive state and they can't/won't take the time to help him calm down, maybe giving him something that has to do with his obsession will help get the ball rolling in getting him calmed down?

One boy's obsession (that I read about) is wasp's nests (sans wasps!). That might be kind of hard to work in (maybe one kept in a small box in the teacher's classroom)?

Another boy's obsession was small boxes and containers with lids. Maybe a couple empty small boxes/tins kept in the classroom(s) that are strictly for him (not for anyone else to handle) that could be handed to him when he's having trouble.

Now that I think about it my own son had a big interest in containers. He would always bring the leftover box home from the restaurant (even if it was empty) because they were his "pets" and he named them all "boxy".

It takes some creative thinking to figure out how to do it but if you're able to work his "obsession" in somehow, maybe that could be the catalyst that helps to start calming him/her down?

Just some thoughts...

Good luck and lots of hugs!!
Diane

Wow. I hadn't conciously thought of that... But this year with his back to school stuff I added a sketch book and black gel pens. He draws or writes stories constantly. His other obsession already goes everywhere with him. He creates characters... Some I have enjoyed and miss others I wish I could figure out how to get rid of. Elvis was awesome and lasted years... emo/vampire/goth kid. We are on year three and as much as I had hoped it would go away it is transitioning into wearwolf. Ugh

We were swords, swords, swords...

The Zelda games were popular games our house (although the big thing for my son was the fishing section where he would just fish for hours, he didn't care about the rest of the game). Oddly, he has never fished, has no interest in fishing, doesn't eat fish, and yet that's what he'd do in that game is fish, fish, fish. There's another one, Animal Crossing I think, and he does the same thing, just fishes, fishes, fishes.

The Zelda games combined with his love of Yu-Gi-Oh (we still have to get Yu-Gi-Oh cards when we go out) caused him to draw nothing but swords.

Everything was swords. Even when we were out and about if there was any type of sword (the rubber "full size" swords, the power ranger "swords", the little swords that come in drinks, it didn't matter what as long as it had something to do with a sword) he'd commandeer it. He'd even watch tv shows and movies, that he'd never watch otherwise, simply because there were swords involved.

I won't say he grew out of the swords but they take up a lot less of his life than they used to. But, now he knows all about guns. I have never had a gun, he has never had a gun, no one we know has guns, but because of one specific video game he plays (there are only two now that he'll play) he can tell you everything about a gun he sees on tv or in a movie. Definitely not a job I want him in though, nothing to do with guns, with him impulsivity and lack of understanding of cause and effect.

Who knows, maybe your son will become an illustrator or a designer of scary mask costumes. Never know where it might lead him.

I always try to think of ways my son's obsessions could be worked into his life and now hopefully a job. The DVR (Department of Vocational Rehabilitation) here in Washington is working on trying to find a job for him where the employer will agree to work with his needs. I keep pushing for a stocking job (those are the kinds of jobs they're looking at are stocking jobs) at OfficeMax. He'd be in heaven. With his love of spending (other people's) money and his superior knowledge of some office products I'm thinking maybe some day he can be a buyer for an office supply chain.

Hang in there. If the werewolf drawings don't go away (swords lasted until my son was probably 17) and if he gets better and better at it (that's the one thing about my son's drawings, he's not an artist) then maybe that skill can be worked into some type of job.

Maybe he'll be a window painter (good money) and Halloween can be his specialty. Maybe he can draw designs for specialty craft stamps. Maybe he can draw illustrations for someone's book. There are so many things that these kids "obsessions" can be parlayed into.

Anyhow, just thinking out loud again... Gotta get back to work.