Page 1 of 2 [ 22 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

15 Oct 2012, 9:08 pm

I'm curious about something. I'm recently confirmed as having mild Asperger's at the age of 58, so I'm on the older side of the "age specturm" here. In the mix with my lifelong autistic traits, gayness and interpersonal difficulties was a particularly nasty and tenacious vein of self-hatred, which has mostly faded away as I've grown to accept myself and become pretty functional over the long-term.

I'm wondering if others here have grappled with self-hatred or having a very poor self-image? Is this common in people who on the autistic spectrum, or is this more related to co-morbidities, crappy families, social rejection, feelings of frustration or disability, etc.?


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


Morningstar
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jul 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 152

16 Oct 2012, 12:01 am

I don't think I started out with self-hatred, but everyone else seems to hate me now, so it's started to grow on me. Again, I guess. I have experienced this "fading away as I've grown to accept myself" feeling too, but um...let's just say I haven't had a great past few months.

When I was a little kid, though, I was afraid to look in the mirror or say my own name for some reason. I wonder if that had to do with the same feelings. I also wanted to die when I was 2 or 3, but didn't understand the complexity or severity of such emotions at the time. I just tried falling off the swings when my mom said I couldn't play with the girl next door, when I was sure nobody was watching. Hm, I don't know, maybe I have always hated myself subconsciously.

I'm 27 and not officially diagnosed, but I did have the crappy family, social rejection, etc. So I'm not really sure which it could be. I suppose somebody with Asperger's who grew up in an accepting environment wouldn't feel any self-hatred.



muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

16 Oct 2012, 1:35 am

Morningstar, although empathy is not my most developed quality, I do feel your pain.


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


emimeni
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2012
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,065
Location: In my bed, on my laptop

16 Oct 2012, 11:08 pm

I used to really hate myself as a tween/teenager. No longer. I do have really tough moments, usually during a meltdown, but I am doing better at loving myself every day.


_________________
Living with one neurodevelopmental disability which has earned me a few diagnosis'


muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

17 Oct 2012, 12:42 am

emimeni wrote:
I used to really hate myself as a tween/teenager. No longer. I do have really tough moments, usually during a meltdown, but I am doing better at loving myself every day.


Good to hear that. :-)


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


maroptmax
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 16 Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 15
Location: New Jersey

17 Oct 2012, 7:11 am

muntanmion wrote:
I'm curious about something. I'm recently confirmed as having mild Asperger's at the age of 58, so I'm on the older side of the "age specturm" here. In the mix with my lifelong autistic traits, gayness and interpersonal difficulties was a particularly nasty and tenacious vein of self-hatred, which has mostly faded away as I've grown to accept myself and become pretty functional over the long-term.

I'm wondering if others here have grappled with self-hatred or having a very poor self-image? Is this common in people who on the autistic spectrum, or is this more related to co-morbidities, crappy families, social rejection, feelings of frustration or disability, etc.?


I think that you're trying to pick fly poop out of finely ground pepper.

I have yet to meet anyone - especially not among those who can lay the best claims to being "normal" - who is not (get to know him/her) a MESS. It's true - the prettier the wrapping, the uglier the contents. To me it seems that - if nothing else - the obvious human wreck is at least honest.

We're all battered, shocked, frightened, lost, desperate; it's just that many possess skills that allow them to pretend that they are otherwise. Don't be fooled! - and don't look down on people: have compassion for your fellow sufferers.

The World is a used car lot, and everyone is a salesman (especially those who say they are not). Remember: walls are there so that people can turn the worst dents in their direction.



Bartolome
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 13 Oct 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 53
Location: Pennsylvania

17 Oct 2012, 11:11 am

The school system had no idea how to deal with me in the late eighties/early nineties before there was any awareness about Asperger's. I just got off the phone with my Mom. I was telling her about how specific decisions made in regards to my education (for example, being made to repeat kindergarten and being denied participation in my school's gifted program despite my obvious gifts) basically led to a life of humiliation and shame. Now, I work in mental health, with kids on the Spectrum, and a lot of them remind me very closely of the way I used to be. And I am very good at my job. I have measurably improved my client's lives by treating them with the same respect and dignity that I missed out on. But the pain doesn't go away. If anything, it's gotten worse, and has made me quite depressed, knowing that the past cannot be changed. Doesn't matter what I do now. Doesn't matter. I still feel that humiliation and shame that I did when I was 7 years old.



muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

17 Oct 2012, 3:16 pm

maroptmax wrote:
I think that you're trying to pick fly poop out of finely ground pepper.

I have yet to meet anyone - especially not among those who can lay the best claims to being "normal" - who is not (get to know him/her) a MESS. It's true - the prettier the wrapping, the uglier the contents. To me it seems that - if nothing else - the obvious human wreck is at least honest.

We're all battered, shocked, frightened, lost, desperate; it's just that many possess skills that allow them to pretend that they are otherwise. Don't be fooled! - and don't look down on people: have compassion for your fellow sufferers.

The World is a used car lot, and everyone is a salesman (especially those who say they are not). Remember: walls are there so that people can turn the worst dents in their direction.


I'm not really sure if everyone is a mess or truly battered, shocked, frightened, lost, & desperate. You could argue that there are spectrums for all of those things; the ways and degrees in which humans suffer or can get damaged, traumatized or screwed are staggering in their variety.

I do know that many people pass for "normal" who are inwardly wretched and crazy. It might just be a bit of good luck that I was never very successful in doing that.


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


identity
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Mar 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,555
Location: South West UK

19 Oct 2012, 7:41 am

I seem to have very deep rooted feelings of self loathing. It's there all the time even though sometimes it's not foremost in my mind, then other times it gets chronic. Not quite sure exactly what the root of it is though, but I suspect it's a combination of lots of things.



AnotherKind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Dec 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 769
Location: Neverland

19 Oct 2012, 8:04 am

ATM, I'm not sure if I have self-hatred but many times I wish I wasn't born at all.


_________________
Agnostic atheist. Hardcore determinist. Misanthrope. Objectivist. INTP.
AS: 165, NT: 44


MindBlind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 May 2009
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,349

19 Oct 2012, 5:08 pm

I have a pretty low self esteem. I can't be certain if it is totally related to aspergers. I know that perfectionism is often related to aspergers and I am very much like this. I'm an all or nothing thinker. It's totally irrational and very detrimental to my mental wellbeing, my productivity and my interpersonal relationships. Never quite got over it. Don't think I ever can. Not very cheery, but there you go.



muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

19 Oct 2012, 5:20 pm

I think with me it originated with getting reminded over and over again as I was growing up about how different I seemed to be from other kids, and thinking, "what's wrong with me?", "why can they do those things and I can't?", "why am I here by myself and they are all over here having fun, playing, etc.?". Then I hit puberty, began to realize in a very inarticulate way I was not heterosexual, and got zapped by a bad case of zits on top of it all, way back in the late 1960s.

Amazingly, I was never suicidal.


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


Jellybean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2007
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,866
Location: Bedford UK

20 Oct 2012, 1:24 pm

I have an extremely low self-esteem. I know exactly why, because for four years at school I was viciously bullied, my name was changed to 'the retard', I was attacked outside of home, I was told I was rubbish by teachers (unrecognised LD) and generally felt rubbish. Life is better now, but I can't get out of this constant self-loathing. I am hopefully getting CBT in the near future which should help.


_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite ;) )


muntanmion
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 May 2012
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 48
Location: Astoria, Queens, New York City

20 Oct 2012, 11:46 pm

Jellybean, what happened to you is awful. I do hope CBT helps you become victorious over the mean and stupid people who made you suffer.


_________________
"I could have been wild and I could have been free
But nature played this trick on me..."
? the Smiths


Cuckooflower
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 4 Oct 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 359

25 Oct 2012, 7:02 pm

It's hard to know exactly the origins of self hate and self harm if you have Autism and various other comorbidities as I, and obviously you and others on here do.

I also had a very abusive family experience, and spent my adolescence in institutional care that was highly abusive and gave me severe PTSD. It's taken me about eight years to process some of the memories. It was hell. And I've had a lot of repeated bad experiences since then, and years and years of addiction and suicidal depression as a result of all these experiences combined.
I can see this is a result of what other people did to me, and that too causes crippling sadness and anger because it wasn't my fault, THEY are the reason I have scars on my body, and worn down teeth and so on.
Except......it's so hard to know where one begins and another ends. I was scapegoated in my family, and I can see it was because I was basically the most sensitive and vulnerable. My other two siblings are not ASC.

I have also been bullied in pretty much every situation I've ever been in, although I've scratched back some shreds of self esteem in the last year just through very, very hard work and being around people who treated me with a modicum of respect for a change.

I used to apologise all the time, about everything, because I felt I had no right to exist. I couldn't stand up for myself, and had no self esteem whatsoever. I am actually able to be assertive now, which is an incredible achievement. However I have to stay right away from three members of my immediate family otherwise all that hard works just goes to nothing from one look or word from them, and I've found myself attracting more abusive experiences since being an adult, and it's taken me years and years to learn to pick up the signs of someone who is bad for me and to set appropriate boundaries.
It's such a f*****g long haul!! ! :(
As people with ASCs and particularly those of us who have already experienced abuse and bullying, it's really important to learn how we are playing into people bullying us. It only makes us shy away from the world, hating it and ourselves.
Much of this bullying starts by osmosis, which is so horrible. I am convinced people pick up our difference below the verbal level. Which is why it is even more important to become less open and more guarded and assertive. It's harder for people to bully you if you keep them guessing.

So, yeah, I definitely think my tendency to self harm and self hate in the past has been due to my upbringing and experiences, however there is something about having this Autism that has given me certain personality traits that make me prone to deep depression and self destruction as well I think.
I too remember thoughts of dying when very young; putting my head under the water and trying not to come up when I was about ten or something.
That was about the time various eating disorders started for me as well, and to be honest I can see that was partly my own personality.


But yeah, being told you're a horrible, disgusting, evil, worthless, BAD person all your life certainly doesn't help.
It took me being around two groups of people over the last year who reflected something totally different back at me to help me realise how completely untrue those things are, and that they were all projections of my parents own f****d up pathologies and my siblings just taking out their anger on me at not having been loved by these two disturbed people..........

But it will take a lifetime of work, you just have to be committed. I know now that I am very nice, kind, sensitive, thoroughly GOOD person with perfectly normal HUMAN short-comings, but getting all these things people have said out of my head is another matter........................It cuts you to the CORE of your being.

I'm still suicidal most of the time, but I'm still only 25 so whilst I am angry and sad that I never got the chance to enjoy being young and have to use my adult life to recover from what's happened to me, I still pray and hope I have a fighting chance at a real life somehow.

I think self hate is basically never justified unless you really are an unfeeling person to the extreme, like someone with psychopathy or someone who has ordered a war or stolen land and resources at the expense of other human beings. Those are harder things to forgive. But otherwise we must all try hard to dispel the feeling.....


_________________
Dime quienes son tus amigos y te diré quien eres