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Cuckooflower
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25 Oct 2012, 7:28 pm

By the way, I just realised I wrote a lot more than anyone esle.

Part of my Aspieness is to go into great detail; I find it hard to be succinct when I write about something, otherwise I feel like I can't express it, for some reason............
Just to explain.





I'm not really sure if everyone is a mess or truly battered, shocked, frightened, lost, & desperate. You could argue that there are spectrums for all of those things; the ways and degrees in which humans suffer or can get damaged, traumatized or screwed are staggering in their variety.


I very much agree with this. Whilst human beings are a f****d up bunch in general (and just being physically alive in a highly confusing world is sure hard enough for everyone), and even people who have easy and trauma-free lives (and they do exist) still have plenty of idiosyncrasies, one of the most cruel and unjust paradoxes of our shared existence is that some people suffer much, much more than others, and can do in so many different ways, that it just....makes no sense, and has no reason to it.
It's kind of indiscriminately horrifying.

It has taken me years to understand that only the people that were in the institutions with me will ever know what happened to us in those places. I used to find it really hard to know that other people I met could never understand what it was like. And then I randomly bumped into a girl who I grew up with in there after years of being out of touch, and I suddenly realised that only she, and the others, could truly understand.

It was the deep and complete understanding that she had of what I felt and had been through, that I cannot get from anyone who wasn't there as well. It staggered me. I had walled myself off from all the people I met there for years, so this realisation was more marked as a result.
I guess I had just forgotten that I could even get that kind of empathy. It just broke my heart to see she was still very traumatised and paralysed in her life as well.

And I knew then that I just had to stand alone with it otherwise. The same way anyone who has ANY rarefied traumatic experience has to. That's just how it is.
It has taken me a long time to accept and intellectually process that.

And I'm sure this is true of so many different experiences that many people go through and cannot share.


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LtlPinkCoupe
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25 Oct 2012, 9:05 pm

I do think I have some self-hatred...like Jellybean, I also have a LD (in math) that went undetected in my childhood, and it got even worse as I became a teenager because I always felt like I just wasn't as "good" or "worthy" as everyone else was. I think my self-hatred reached its peak from ages 14-16. That was when I started "punishing" myself whenever I made a mistake or felt I had made one. I was too chicken to "cut" myself, so I would bite my arms and hands, rake my nails across my arms, legs, and face, beat my head against a wall (literally) or beat on it with my closed fists. Sometimes I would even throw my body against the walls. I had this idea that the more I did this, the more my "badness" would be banished from my body, and the more "normal" and "good" I'd become.

I can remember being surprised when everyone - my parents, my therapist, my school counselor, and the one teacher who knew about it -all wanted me to stop. I just figured that if I thought I was "bad," they thought so, too.

I still struggle with urges to "punish" myself when I'm "bad," and I always wince inside when I hear people (teachers, other adults, even people I don't know that well) tell me, "Oh, you're so nice," "You're so polite," "We all like you," etc...I feel as if they all knew how bad a person I truly am, they'd all desert me....I sort of anticipate being deserted by everybody I'm closest to at some point. :(

...I'm going to start on a low dose of an antidepressant soon, though, and maybe that'll help me start to feel "normal" again....if I can even remember how "normal" feels so I can identify it.


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muntanmion
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26 Oct 2012, 12:45 am

Cuckooflower wrote:
By the way, I just realised I wrote a lot more than anyone esle.

Part of my Aspieness is to go into great detail; I find it hard to be succinct when I write about something, otherwise I feel like I can't express it, for some reason............
Just to explain.


I'm like that-- I've restrained myself in my couple of dozen posts here on WrongPlanet.

Cuckooflower wrote:



I'm not really sure if everyone is a mess or truly battered, shocked, frightened, lost, & desperate. You could argue that there are spectrums for all of those things; the ways and degrees in which humans suffer or can get damaged, traumatized or screwed are staggering in their variety.


I very much agree with this. Whilst human beings are a f**** up bunch in general (and just being physically alive in a highly confusing world is sure hard enough for everyone), and even people who have easy and trauma-free lives (and they do exist) still have plenty of idiosyncrasies, one of the most cruel and unjust paradoxes of our shared existence is that some people suffer much, much more than others, and can do in so many different ways, that it just....makes no sense, and has no reason to it.
It's kind of indiscriminately horrifying.


It's insights like that that lead me to become firmly atheistic. There is no reason or purpose whatsoever for the "cards" that people get dealt. Some people get fantastic privileges and have all their needs met, others are at risk of getting killed or dying every day of their lives, and all possible variations in between. My suffering is not because of karma or sin or because I deserved it, I'm just a random instance of the human condition, shaped by my genetics, family and experiences into a human who has had a painful, sometimes torturous history receding slowly behind me, at least temporarily.

Cuckooflower wrote:
It has taken me years to understand that only the people that were in the institutions with me will ever know what happened to us in those places. I used to find it really hard to know that other people I met could never understand what it was like. And then I randomly bumped into a girl who I grew up with in there after years of being out of touch, and I suddenly realised that only she, and the others, could truly understand.

It was the deep and complete understanding that she had of what I felt and had been through, that I cannot get from anyone who wasn't there as well. It staggered me. I had walled myself off from all the people I met there for years, so this realisation was more marked as a result.
I guess I had just forgotten that I could even get that kind of empathy. It just broke my heart to see she was still very traumatised and paralysed in her life as well.

And I knew then that I just had to stand alone with it otherwise. The same way anyone who has ANY rarefied traumatic experience has to. That's just how it is.
It has taken me a long time to accept and intellectually process that.

And I'm sure this is true of so many different experiences that many people go through and cannot share.


I'm glad you know what it's like to have someone really understand you. I'm kind of inept at offering consolation or support-- you've obviously had an agonizing earlier life. I hope this doesn't sound lame or patronizing, but I'm glad that you are smart, self-aware and articulate enough to see through it and describe it here. I wasn't in institutions-- my family was crazy and emotionally violent but stable enough where I lived with a secure enough living situation until I went away to university and escaped them. Was never physically abused or sexually abused, just had my heart shredded and learned to hide in terror anyway without actually getting my ass kicked or getting raped.


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Sweetleaf
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26 Oct 2012, 3:18 am

I tend to have a lot of self loathing issues, along with no real confidence whatsoever. But yeah a lot of it is internalized things from people calling me retarded, psychopathic, weird, a freak ect. Also I have a hard time asserting myself even when it would be in my best intrest so I also tend to kinda beat myself up over not actually confronting people or certain situations. Its life self critical thoughts that hardly ever stop.


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League_Girl
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26 Oct 2012, 4:06 am

I've hated myself growing up. I hated being different and wished I were normal. I am still negative about myself. I call myself weak, coward, stupid, jerk, drama queen, b***h.


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I have a quilt of labels. I had a language disorder and a speech disorder. Then communication disorder NOS. My other diagnoses have been Language Processing disorder, dyspraxia, SPD, OCD, ADD, Asperger’s, anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder, anorexia nervosa. My mom’s labels of me are: eating disorder, anorexia, social anxiety, PTSD, just being sensitive and having the victim complex when I was a kid. And of course she says I’m normal and says the only thing I had as a child was language. Huh? I must have been a shitty person then and maybe a difficult child I was who had to be labeled because of incompetent school staff and mean kids who didn’t accept differences and because I was trying to be “normal.” :/

My blog: https://mynoneabdlthoughts.wordpress.com/


muntanmion
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26 Oct 2012, 3:12 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
...Also I have a hard time asserting myself even when it would be in my best intrest so I also tend to kinda beat myself up over not actually confronting people or certain situations....


That's definitely a facet of my history of self-hatred. I was terrified of confrontation and was easily intimidated, and loathed myself for being a chickenshit coward. Yet at the same time I had a bottled-up rage inside of me so big that I speculated if I was ever pushed too far, I could have murdered. :evil:

Luckily, this was never tested in real life. :!:


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AspieOtaku
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28 Oct 2012, 3:32 pm

Image

I tend to question why I was born and why I am a constant failure and whenever I get melt downs and am antagnized while having meltdowns I cause self harm once it got bad to where I slit my wrists.Like Ltlpinkcoupe I would hurt myself whenever I made a mistake at something in school I was at my peak in my teenage years it has tapered down abit but once in a while I still have strong urges to punish myself sometimes thoughts of offing myself creep up from time to time.


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