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CantExplain
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29 Oct 2012, 3:46 am

Hi guys!

I've had a great deal of psychotherapy, but one delusion I have not been able to shake is the idea that disagreement means hostility. I find it especially hard to cope with my therapist disagreeing with me.

Is this an Aspergic trait?

As an Aspergic I am very sure that there can be only one reality, so if two people disagree, one of them must be wrong. And I don't like the idea that I am the one who's wrong.

Has anyone here been able to overcome this attitude in themselves? How did they do it?



eric76
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29 Oct 2012, 4:50 am

CantExplain wrote:
Hi guys!

I've had a great deal of psychotherapy, but one delusion I have not been able to shake is the idea that disagreement means hostility. I find it especially hard to cope with my therapist disagreeing with me.

Is this an Aspergic trait?

As an Aspergic I am very sure that there can be only one reality, so if two people disagree, one of them must be wrong. And I don't like the idea that I am the one who's wrong.


Which is better -- red or blue? Fords or chevys? Beef or chicken? Guiness or Budweiser? Easter or Thanksgiving? Cats or dogs? Democrats or Republicans or Libertarians? Coke or Dr Pepper? There may be only one reality, but that doesn't mean that there is only one true viewpoint.



Brock
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29 Oct 2012, 5:35 am

If two people disagree, one of them IS wrong. Or they are talking about different things unknowingly.

I'm not sure why people think everyone has a reality all to themselves. That sounds like a waste of space.

Fix your problem by being right all the time. If you are 100% certain of something, say so. If a section of your argument has some uncertainty, say so.

There. Never wrong.



Prometheus34572
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29 Oct 2012, 7:51 am

Nobody really wants to be wrong. Also sometimes both can be right, as there are many ways to look at something, many points of views. I know it can be hard for someone with Aspergers to understand, we often have one sided conversations unable to grasp what the other party is trying to say. Just learn to be open minded, try and put yourself in the other persons shoes and then try to understand where he's coming from, or simply learn to agree to disagree.



Feralucce
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29 Oct 2012, 9:11 am

Brock: I disagree with that... There are many many many things that are simply opinion... My wife, fro instance loves spinach... I do not. That does not make her wrong in any way unless she tries to get me to eat it. By being right all of the time, you come across as a know it all and arrogant... you might want to watch out for that. Besides... you will be wrong from time to time.

CantExplain: I can understand why you would perceive hostility. In most Neurotypicals, an argument is not designed to disseminate information... it is a social contest to see who should be dominant in that situation. By standing their ground on something and getting you to back down, they are asserting dominance... They don't even know they are doing it... but it is a type of hostility in some situations... when it comes from an expert in a field... they might be right even if you don't think so


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CocoNuts
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29 Oct 2012, 10:03 am

CantExplain wrote:
Hi guys!

I've had a great deal of psychotherapy, but one delusion I have not been able to shake is the idea that disagreement means hostility. I find it especially hard to cope with my therapist disagreeing with me.

Is this an Aspergic trait?

As an Aspergic I am very sure that there can be only one reality, so if two people disagree, one of them must be wrong. And I don't like the idea that I am the one who's wrong.

Has anyone here been able to overcome this attitude in themselves? How did they do it?


I have kind of the same problem, but not exactly the same. It's also kind of the opposite. I too believe there can only be one reality, but this leads me to keep going on and on in discussions because I want to logically determine who is right and who isn't, and I am completely oblivious to the fact that other people start getting irritated because I am going on and on. I'm calm so I don't see why other people should be getting upset.
Sometimes I try to shut up (actually most of the time) but when it's about science I just can't. The whole point of science is that there shouldn't be any opinion.

eric76 wrote:
Which is better -- red or blue? Fords or chevys? Beef or chicken? Guiness or Budweiser? Easter or Thanksgiving? Cats or dogs? Democrats or Republicans or Libertarians? Coke or Dr Pepper? There may be only one reality, but that doesn't mean that there is only one true viewpoint.


From what I understood, the OP wasn't referring to this kind of very subjective topics (or at least, I don't think that's the kind of things I would discuss in therapy).


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29 Oct 2012, 10:11 am

As long as subjectivity and solipsism are the norm, there will be disagreements.

Example: Is $5.00 too much to pay for a sandwich? It depends on how hungry you are, the quality of the sandwich, and whether or not you have enough to pay for it in the first place.

My father reacted with hostility whenever anyone disagreed with him, and it did not matter who was right. If it was a college professor, then my father would claim that the prof was just being "uppity". If it was a ditch-digger, then my father would claim that the man with the shovel was a "low-life". Either way, he never admitted to being wrong unless the evidence against him was overwhelming, and then it was always someone else's fault. For him, it all came down to pride ... and alcohol ... and an abusive childhood of his own ...


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29 Oct 2012, 10:13 am

Quote:
As an Aspergic I am very sure that there can be only one reality, so if two people disagree, one of them must be wrong. And I don't like the idea that I am the one who's wrong.


Hope you dont get hostile with my answers. There may be only on reality, but there are thousands personal ways to look at it.

Lets say you´d hate strawberries. And a classmate loves strawberries. And in your cantina todays desert is strawberry cake.

The reality is, that there was strawberry cake. Thats the thing you cannot discuss. But when it comes to the personal view then there was an awful strawberry cake in your memory, and an awesome good one in the memory of your friend. :)

Quote:
If two people disagree, one of them IS wrong. Or they are talking about different things unknowingly.


In my example both persons disagree. And none of them is wrong. And they are talking about the same desert. :)

Just dont do the same mistake as many of the NTs are into: Just focusing on their own view of things. :)

To have another example beside eating: I feel uncomforted if my totally unpolite jobmates come to my room every 10 Minutes, when the have a question. It disturbs me, so it would be polite to gather their questions and then meet with me to decide a time, where we discuss this questions together. I´d be very happy about that and feel more respected.

Now lets take a view from the other side of the looking glass: I feel really uncomforted by my jobmate. because she never seems to be happy seeing me. Whenever I come to her room, she´s totally unpolite. She even hates me that much, that instead of visiting her by random, as i do with my other jobmates to have some nice talking during work, she wants me to set a time for a meeting, as if i was someone from another company and not her jobmate from the next room. I´d be very happy if she would act more polite to us and were not always so totally unfriendly.

Same issue, two totally different views. :) The mistake is the same on both sides. To interprete the actions of other people in your own way of thinking and feeling.

None of the persons in the example is wrong, because both are just telling how they feel themselfs, and they ARE feeling in different ways. Every person is of his own kind. If you sit in a room and you feel its hot, and another person tells you that he feels totally cold then you can discuss WHY you are feeling differently. So lower and higher metabolism, more or less fat, more ore less muscles, and so on. But you cant discuss, that one of you is feeling hot and the other one is freezing because THATS the reality. That both of you are are affected by the temperature in another way. :)



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29 Oct 2012, 1:57 pm

I don't think a disagreement always means one of them is wrong. A good examples have already been posted here so I don't need to post my own.


I agree that sometimes disagreement can look like hostility but it depends on the situation.


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