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NutcrackerPrincess
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30 Oct 2012, 8:22 am

I have trouble making friends because of my Asperger traits...but could my friends also be the problem? Us people with ASD don't have many social skills, and what we do know has been learned or taught to us and we follow these rules religiously and have trouble adapting when the rules are bent or when there are exceptions. I guess we approach it logically, but social scenarios are very unpredictable and illogical.

But sometimes I feel like my friends are just bad.
I wanted to reach out to a friend I've had since I was 11 years old and she works at the same building I do, but not in the same department. I reaaaally want to rekindle and be friends with her and spend some time with her, but I have a difficult time telling whether or not she wants to be my friend anymore. Because when she sees me she doesn't say "hi" or waves at me. She has me on Facebook and she'll occassionally send me a like or something. But I'm always reaching out to her. I smile at her when I see her, I say hello, when I see her coworkers I say "tell her I said hi", I comment on her statuses, like them, support them, and when she got engaged...I made it a point to meet her fiancé and support them. I gave them a wedding present...I invited them to a few events but they never come. And they rarely invite me to anything. And it's so weird because this girl used to be my best friend. One day a rare occasion I found her online on Facebook, so I chatted with her. I noticed that she took up an interest in beading, and I've been into beading for years... so I sent nice comments to the necklaces she made, asked her how she was doing, asked her open-ended questions, everything was completely outside myself. I actually tried to show my interest in her and what she likes. And then she suddenly signed out and didn't get back to me for days. I wrote her back and for the first time in my life I expressed my upset with her for lack of socialization with me, I told her that I was upset that she just left the conversation, didn't recognize my honest effort to be friends with her, and when we were talking she didn't even ask me once how I was doing. It's not that I needed that, but it's common courtesy isn't it? Even if she didn't want to be best friends with me anymore or even close friends...if she is even a small friend or a friend on Facebook...she couldn't ask how I was doing? :(

This happens with me with my friends all the time, and I don't know if it's because thy are forgetting their manners or if they really don't want anything to do with me.

Even with people who are not my friends, I ask them how they are doing and what's new.
I try so hard to understand people and empathy has been getting better for me, but whenever I actually try to reach out to others...I don't get a positive response. :( I get this crap. I don't ask them to have the same interests as me or even be my BESTIE... But maybe a chat or invite for a cup of coffee or lunch would be nice....I'll even buy it...im not asking them to bend over backwards for me, but seriously...who has the social Disability here?? Me or society? :(



Stalk
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30 Oct 2012, 10:50 am

Maybe your potential friends think that you are coming on to them in a gay way? Have you been asked/teased to be gay before? E.g. you are showing too much interest in them, or they possibly perceive it that way.

I have this problem too. People don't know what to make of me so sometimes they would speculate if I'm gay because they don't know what "box" to put me in. I just thought I was being nice.



hartzofspace
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30 Oct 2012, 1:04 pm

Stalk wrote:
Maybe your potential friends think that you are coming on to them in a gay way? Have you been asked/teased to be gay before? E.g. you are showing too much interest in them, or they possibly perceive it that way.

I have this problem too. People don't know what to make of me so sometimes they would speculate if I'm gay because they don't know what "box" to put me in. I just thought I was being nice.

This. I have lost count of how many times I tried to make friends with other women, only to find out that they thought I was gay. And since so much conversation amongst NTs goes on in a non verbal fashion, I never could guess this. I remember once there was a traveling physical therapist assigned to my workplace. I found her funny and interesting and we seemed to have a lot in common. When her assignment was nearly up, I suggested we have dinner together as a good bye thing. When I asked for her contact info so that we could keep in touch, she quickly refused. When I asked why, she wouldn't say, but had this apologetic look on her face. It took years for me to realize that she thought I was gay and that she had just been humoring me. :x :oops:

And it really pisses me off that NTs think that people have to go into a box at all. If someone seems a little different, why do they have to think it is to do with sexuality? :roll:


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lazamb_girl
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30 Oct 2012, 1:23 pm

NutcrackerPrincess wrote:
I have trouble making friends because of my Asperger traits...but could my friends also be the problem? Us people with ASD don't have many social skills, and what we do know has been learned or taught to us and we follow these rules religiously and have trouble adapting when the rules are bent or when there are exceptions. I guess we approach it logically, but social scenarios are very unpredictable and illogical.

But sometimes I feel like my friends are just bad.
I wanted to reach out to a friend I've had since I was 11 years old and she works at the same building I do, but not in the same department. I reaaaally want to rekindle and be friends with her and spend some time with her, but I have a difficult time telling whether or not she wants to be my friend anymore. Because when she sees me she doesn't say "hi" or waves at me. She has me on Facebook and she'll occassionally send me a like or something. But I'm always reaching out to her. I smile at her when I see her, I say hello, when I see her coworkers I say "tell her I said hi", I comment on her statuses, like them, support them, and when she got engaged...I made it a point to meet her fiancé and support them. I gave them a wedding present...I invited them to a few events but they never come. And they rarely invite me to anything. And it's so weird because this girl used to be my best friend. One day a rare occasion I found her online on Facebook, so I chatted with her. I noticed that she took up an interest in beading, and I've been into beading for years... so I sent nice comments to the necklaces she made, asked her how she was doing, asked her open-ended questions, everything was completely outside myself. I actually tried to show my interest in her and what she likes. And then she suddenly signed out and didn't get back to me for days. I wrote her back and for the first time in my life I expressed my upset with her for lack of socialization with me, I told her that I was upset that she just left the conversation, didn't recognize my honest effort to be friends with her, and when we were talking she didn't even ask me once how I was doing. It's not that I needed that, but it's common courtesy isn't it? Even if she didn't want to be best friends with me anymore or even close friends...if she is even a small friend or a friend on Facebook...she couldn't ask how I was doing? :(

This happens with me with my friends all the time, and I don't know if it's because thy are forgetting their manners or if they really don't want anything to do with me.

Even with people who are not my friends, I ask them how they are doing and what's new.
I try so hard to understand people and empathy has been getting better for me, but whenever I actually try to reach out to others...I don't get a positive response. :( I get this crap. I don't ask them to have the same interests as me or even be my BESTIE... But maybe a chat or invite for a cup of coffee or lunch would be nice....I'll even buy it...im not asking them to bend over backwards for me, but seriously...who has the social Disability here?? Me or society? :(


I always had this trouble though I did not know about ASD until very recently. Sometimes when they talk to my mother they inquire about me it seems. But when I see them, I do not get how the same person who is reluctant to even sustain a conversation with me would have asked after my well being.

I think it is a big deal if I go and talk to another person with a friendly face.not because I am a snob but it is extremely difficult and it takes a lot of effort before I persuade myself to do it. So if I don't get a response that I recognize as positive, I would get irritated/disappointed.
For a long time, I was thinking everyone else is weird for behaving like this. Only when it happened all too often (for a period of several years) , I started having doubts about my "normalcy"

EDIT: typo


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NutcrackerPrincess
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30 Oct 2012, 1:28 pm

I don't understand this "gay" business. This happens to me with just most people I know. And this friend who I want to spend more time with knows that I am engaged to be married. How did this topic come down to "gay" ? I'm talking about basic manners and wanting to chat and spend time with friends, especially one who used to be my best friend. So if you are polite and outgoing and try to be friends with people that means you're gay?
I'm sorry, but I don't understand that at all.



anneurysm
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30 Oct 2012, 1:43 pm

I think it all comes down to the degree and frequency in which you contact this person. I think you reached out to her in an appropriate way, and it's great that you identified the things that are important to her, and asked her open-ended questions. What I see is a lack of give and take, because she isn't responding back.

When she doesn't smile, say hi, or acknowledge you back, then that shows that she is just not interested. This was especially the case when she did not want to be honest with you when you wrote her that letter about ignoring you...if she really wanted to reconnect she would have apologized. It could be that you are commenting a little too much on her stuff.

The reason people have suggested that you're giving off a "gay vibe" is not because you are, but you may be behaving in a clingy way that perhaps some people could interpret as flirting. This kind of behaviour can make peeople feel very uncomfortable around you to the point where they begin actively avoiding you.

Also, Facebook seems to have different rules in real life. You can have someone as a friend on facebook, but not as a friend in real life. Even as a "friend", they may not necessarily talk to you or even like you. Your friend seems to be the type who will have people just "there" on her list, and unfortunately I think that you are "just there" on hers.


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I am an anomaly. Diagnosed with borderline,"tentative" Aspergers at 7 as the school board required me to have a label in order to receive special education services. I did not fit criteria for ASD but that was the closest label that fit my behaviour at the time.

My longtime psychiatrist has confirmed that I do not qualify for an ASD diagnosis (but have traits & OCD-like traits).

Mostly keeping a distance from ASD-related things (including WP).


hartzofspace
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30 Oct 2012, 2:54 pm

NutcrackerPrincess wrote:
I don't understand this "gay" business. This happens to me with just most people I know. And this friend who I want to spend more time with knows that I am engaged to be married. How did this topic come down to "gay" ? I'm talking about basic manners and wanting to chat and spend time with friends, especially one who used to be my best friend. So if you are polite and outgoing and try to be friends with people that means you're gay?
I'm sorry, but I don't understand that at all.

I don't understand the "Gay" aspect of it either. But this happens to a lot of Aspies; there was even a thread about it awhile back, where people described being mistaken for gay if they were friendly to members of their own sex but didn't seem interested in slobbering over members of the opposite sex, or some such nonsense.


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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner