am i the biggest ass or what?

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I do not want sympathy for this post. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I have a best friend N. She has always been there for me. I have a horrible quality that I can find fault with anyone very soon.Well let us not go on tangents.

I realized that I have never felt anything. I always learned how to deal with people with a feedback loop. Many times I would have been shouted at for my callousness. So I have a list of stuff for which I have had negative feedback and the next time I encounter a similar situation, I react according to what I have learned. This hit me now when N pointed out to me that I totally shut her off when her dad passed away with cancer. I was never there for her because I did not know what to do. That is not an excuse. But i feel horrible for blaming her for using me and so on when I was the one who did not come through for her.

I am too rigid and it took me 3 effing years for me to realize and ask her this. I apologized profusely. But still maybe I was the one who sabotaged everything with everyone and people were not leaving me.

I don't think you're an ass. If you didn't know what to say to comfort your friend, then it's understandable that you behaved the way you did.

Its an excuse, maybe just not a great one. I don't think you're an ass either, or you wouldn't have apologized the way you did. Death is tricky.. makes people emotional, sometimes selfish for attention. Best you can do if there's a next time.. is just say i'm sorry your dad passed and maybe listen if they need it.