Just venting. I feel like a piece of s**t

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I don't know where this is going to go but i am feeling worse than usual. I feel like a piec of s**t most times but tonight I feel like an unfair burden upon my grand father shoulders that does not deserve to live. I have Asperger's. A communication retardation. I'm 5'11 at 206 pounds with a 32 inch waist so you wouldn't be able to tell just by looking at me.

This has been a such a struggle for me. Growing up with no father and heroin addicted mother. On top of having Asperger's. I collect SSI(disability) and it's not enough to live on my own. Only $700 a month but the minimum for a one bdrm in Jersey is at least $8 or $900 a month. Plus food and all of that good stuff. I spent all of last year in the woods. Where i thought a out suicide alomst everyday for the first 8 months. Until my grand father took me in. I have been living here for the last year and a half. I am only 25 years old and know that when he passes I will have a very rough life ahead. I do have a brother and sister but they are both in prison. In all honesty... IDK if i have it in me to live that kind of life. I already think about suicide quite often! I want to so bad, I just don't have the balls yet. I know sometime down the road I will. I don't really expect to make it past 30 or so. Knowing this too doesnt help. What makes it worse is feeling like a burden to my grand father. It makes me feel like a piece of s**t.

I have no friend because of the Aspergers and my life has been so f****d up since day one. I was taken by the state when I was 8 and wasnt released until i was 14 because of my mother crack and herion habit. I watched another boy get raped while I was in the states custody. I was only 10 at the time. I was beating by the state workers too. I am tired of feeling this loneliness. Feeling like this is never going to end. Having a crippling communication disorder. Just sick of it all.

IDK what to do. ...i really dont. Can I accept eternal sleep? Give up what little I have? Animas have it so easy! They have nothing to miss if they go. So dying for them is easy!

well, i'm sorry you are feeling bad. but if nothing else, you do have the social security benefit which [even though it won't pay the rent] is still better than nothing. i wish i qualified for bennies. and you also have your physical health, you sound sturdily constructed at least. you could take care of yourself on the mean streets if you had to. living with your grandfather, do you qualify for food stamps? you are right, dying is easy and living is hard. but we are all here to learn something, and this often takes longer than we'd like. i was homeless b4 also, i know it is no fun, but i outlasted it. you will outlast your present circumstances also.

I created an account just to say a few things to you. And that is to have faith, you've had a craptastic start to your life and you have some challenges that you will continue to face throughout your life but that doesn't make you an awful person, not at all. Life has had a bit of a giggle at your expense, and thrown a ton of poo thrown at you, it's not fair, but that is how it is!
I've had it the other way around, an OK start as a kid, s**t ful as a teen, a good run as a young adult and it all turned to a major poo-fest for the last 20 years, and I think it may be finally turning around back to good.
The fact is that life is hard, it just is, it's a never ending cycle of 2 steps forward, one step back, sometimes it seems like 1 step forward and 2 steps back but the forward steps are the ones to fight for to keep aiming to get and to enjoy when they are here. So you need to accept that, yep life is hard, it's not always hard, but it is never consistant, enjoy the good and work hard to get over that mountain when the crappy times happen.
The trick with life is to have that faith, because you need to keep plugging at it, it takes a lot of time to get things to improve, especially when you've have had to deal with the obstacles you've had, and to keep having that faith that it will get better even when you are going through those "2 step backward times."
Right now you have somewhere to live so focus on the good things you have and stop worrying about the future until it gets here. In the meanwhile make some steps to aim for the short term- getting a hobby or interest to look forward to. I'm sure you've heard the expression of "stopping to smell the Roses". Have you ever done that? I mean just stopping and appreciating the world we are in, watching the ants with their little highways or bugs flitting about their business. Just stop and enjoy the little things from time to time.
Next thing is to do the classic "5 year plan" the idea of that is to have a long term goal of some sort, it isn't a written in cement promise, it just gives you something to look forward at when you go on that backwards roll that life likes to chuck at us from time to time. The 5 year plan also gives you a goal to work towards and a starting point, a detination to head towards with your life. Sometimes once you start on that track you may find you want to change it, that's fine, but the main thing is to get started with a plan, something, anything, adjust it if it no longer fits what you want down the track but get yourself a goal to work on and look forward to. Also make sure that it is a goal within your control-eg:do a course, save $500, do volunteer work. (you can't control people so gettinga job, or girlfriend is not a good goal, hopefully that will happen along the way but it's beyond your control)
It sounds like you have your immediate needs to survive taken care of now, it doesn't sound like that it is in imminant danger so I suggest you look at some schooling or something to expand your skills/abilities, do a budget so you can get some savings happening, Even just a little bit of cash stashed away will help your peace of mind a ton.
Sorry for the long post. In short have faith, life is sucky at times, but good at others so focus on the good, get some short term activities to enjoy and and some long term goals to work towards.
*hugs* keep plodding away, you'll get there in the end.

Also wanted to say you are a lot stronger and more resourceful than you give yourself credit for. If you ever need to chat I'm happy to listen.