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muff
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07 Nov 2012, 6:56 pm

so i am a loyal person. i am a good friend. i will be with you through everything.

yes, i struggle. i do. i have good days and bad days. but i am hardly a wreck and i dont respond to codependance.

my best friend sent me this message after i asked her to go somewhere with me:

"I'm not really sure where I'm at with a few things. And I think it's best to step back until I figure them out."

this topic is not about what happened between us. i have posted other topics about this.

she has recently returned to me, stating this: "I will never leave your side and when we die I will bring a deck of cards for us to play in the afterlife" in reference to the rummy games we used to play.

my thinking as of right now is that i should cut her out of my life. for all of my drawbacks, for all of my faults, i have been such a good friend to her. and i think that as hard as it is for us to meet people, as hard as it is for us to make friends and keep friends, we shouldnt let these difficulties lead us to settle for those who have to "consider" whether we are worth keeping around because they dont know what they are losing. they deserve to lose us.



Dimorphic
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07 Nov 2012, 7:22 pm

You say this has nothing to do with what happened between you and your friend - I have no idea what did happen, so can't accurately measure the magnitude of the situation.

The fact that she "doesn't know where she's at with a few things" isn't necessarily relating to things about YOU. You are, of course, aware that you are living your own personal existence 24/7. Thousands of things happen to you every day that you wouldn't tell anyone about, so they are known exclusively to you - they could be stressful things. Your friend is in the same situation. She also lives an individual life, 24/7, and will have her own NT stuff going on. Maybe the stuff she "doesn't know where she's at" is personal, stressful stuff and she needs some time to herself to figure things out. I'm sure, as an aspie, you know this feeling.

However, if she directly mentioned it is about you and relating to the fact you have AS, then that is a slightly different story. Obviously, if this is the case, you have every right to be offended. However, I would hesitate to throw such a strong friendship away so quickly. Your point that if someone has to 'consider' whether or not they want to keep us as a friend is completely valid, but it is hard to reach that level of emotional connection to another person, so don't be so quick to burn that bridge. If I were you, if I KNEW that she was considering leaving you as a friend because of AS then I would express (even though it might be hard) just how upset that made you and she would have to PROVE that she was still into the relationship 110%. I'd also make a point that she says "I'll never leave your side" but she was previously considering whether or not to do that, so........

Proceed with caution, and only when you have absolute certainty on the situation, because remember, real good friends are hard to come across for people like us (generally).

BEST of luck to you. I am transmitting positive vibes to your hemispherical position :)



cathylynn
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07 Nov 2012, 7:29 pm

i wouldn't write off a friend just because they at some point had second thoughts about us. in fact my husband, when we were dating broke it off with me for a while. i was glad to have him back and we have a wonderful marriage.



muff
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07 Nov 2012, 7:39 pm

Dimorphic wrote:
You say this has nothing to do with what happened between you and your friend - I have no idea what did happen, so can't accurately measure the magnitude of the situation.

The fact that she "doesn't know where she's at with a few things" isn't necessarily relating to things about YOU. You are, of course, aware that you are living your own personal existence 24/7. Thousands of things happen to you every day that you wouldn't tell anyone about, so they are known exclusively to you - they could be stressful things. Your friend is in the same situation. She also lives an individual life, 24/7, and will have her own NT stuff going on. Maybe the stuff she "doesn't know where she's at" is personal, stressful stuff and she needs some time to herself to figure things out. I'm sure, as an aspie, you know this feeling.

However, if she directly mentioned it is about you and relating to the fact you have AS, then that is a slightly different story. Obviously, if this is the case, you have every right to be offended. However, I would hesitate to throw such a strong friendship away so quickly. Your point that if someone has to 'consider' whether or not they want to keep us as a friend is completely valid, but it is hard to reach that level of emotional connection to another person, so don't be so quick to burn that bridge. If I were you, if I KNEW that she was considering leaving you as a friend because of AS then I would express (even though it might be hard) just how upset that made you and she would have to PROVE that she was still into the relationship 110%. I'd also make a point that she says "I'll never leave your side" but she was previously considering whether or not to do that, so........

Proceed with caution, and only when you have absolute certainty on the situation, because remember, real good friends are hard to come across for people like us (generally).

BEST of luck to you. I am transmitting positive vibes to your hemispherical position :)


your response means a lot to me.

to be clear, she was not thinking about leaving due to my having AS.

it may be related to my behaviors, which are certainly best explained by AS, but have many causes i am sure.

for me i simply do not understand not being loyal. i am a non religious christian and i mention that to help you understand my commitment to her as my friend. i cannot possibly figure out how a best friend would not talk to their best friend for a month and a half and then talk about leaving altogether. for me, i just wouldnt leave. i would never leave. no matter how hard it got, no matter if i wanted to be with her anymore or whatever. because i know it will pass and she will still be there and the sun rises and the sun sets and thats how it is.



2wheels4ever
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08 Nov 2012, 12:47 am

Maintaining friendships is difficult enough when the friends aren't blowing hot-and-cold. I don't know if you mentioned to her the nature of being literal minded and having all-or-nothing thinking. I have a tendency to want to hold someone to it if they say they'd do XYZ for me, not to push them into keeping that specific promise but I would need to know beyond all doubt that the offer stands.

This is not the first time she's gone funny on you, if you indeed had the heart-to-heart after the last issue and you owned your bads to her then amended and resolved not to do those again, and she did the same, followed by "deck of cards in the afterlife" THEN texted what she did? UH-uh, game over. People who are the first to want us to live with the aftermath of our mistakes/choices/behavior all too often fail to see their role in it

I'd text her back: "step as far back as you feel you need to, just make sure there's not a set of train tracks behind you when you get there"


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