Could I be subconsciously faking aspergers? :(

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Callista
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08 Nov 2012, 2:50 pm

So... you are worried that you might have hypochondria? :)


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whirlingmind
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08 Nov 2012, 4:13 pm

windtreeman wrote:
Yep, I think that's pretty much exactly it. I always try to meet the expectations of others, so when I'm in public, I put nearly 100% of my conscious thought into appearing normal but I knew before I got to my initial assessment, I'd have to try my best to let go of all the layers I'd built up over the autistic traits and be exactly who I am when I'm alone which was incredibly difficult, really and made me feel somewhat embarrassed afterwards because as a child, obviously, I'd received so much grief for being 'that person.' The only thing I left out is that I swear like a sailor when I'm alone, ha. Didn't want to cause any heart attacks. To be honest, and like a previous comment noted, I'm not sure an official diagnosis will alleviate all of these problems (for me) immediately. I think it'll take time to mentally process and I'm sure I'll relive the appointments over and over in my head before I can truly accept the outcome.


That's exactly it. And when you've done it for so long it's not easy to drop the mask. When under stress it's impossible to maintain though. Although an official diagnosis won't do anything to stop you feeling like you do, there are lots of reasons to get one. Apart from all those reasons, I strongly believe in justice and what is right, so it's really important for me to get confirmation. I also relive things that have happened, thinking about what I wish I'd said or done. I also imagine scenarios beforehand too, I think it's the whole social stress of it all, you need to practice it in your head so that you manage when it's the real version.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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08 Nov 2012, 9:44 pm

Dimorphic wrote:
. . . And @ AardvarkGoodSwimmer, I don't know if you're making a reference to me when you say people put too much emphasis on sexuality, or references to the people I was talking about, . . .

Actually, I was referring to myself. And I'm sorry for communicating poorly.

I have put pressure on myself trying to be a 'good' boyfriend in previous relationships. When in fact, even when I enjoy intense interaction (of various kinds!), I still need a lot of alone time to emotionally process and to do my own important things. And I think I often like touch from a partner to be predictable touch.

And I like well-written erotica, a lot. And to me, a big component of sex is talking. Not everyone is into this, or it may not be something which really strikes a chord.



Jabberwokky
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09 Nov 2012, 2:55 am

If you read up a lot on aspergers, your aspie status will be very clear one way or another. At least, in my case I am in no doubt. I find though, that when I am more stressed, the aspergers behaviours etc are a lot more intense. Then again, the things that stress me are so obviously those things that are known to freak out aspergers people. There again, I have no doubt. What it took was a lot of research about aspergers. In the earlier stages, it was my lack of knowledge that caused the doubts.
I haven't had a formal diagnosis either. I intend to get diagnosed formally just to cap the whole matter once and for all and so that others in my family stop to think a bit about their status. I am in no rush though; the diagnosis is competing wth other financial commitments like dentist bills, motor vehicle servicing requirements and the dread Christmas shopping season. I dread Christmas.


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09 Nov 2012, 7:48 am

Dimorphic wrote:
For example, if I make a thread asking if I'm faking AS then there must be some subconscious knowledge that deep down I don't have it?


Not "subconscious knowledge", just a "conscious question". Just because it occurred to you to ask the question doesn't imply that the answer is "yes". You haven't given any reasons in your post why you think you may be faking it, so I don't know if there's anything more behind it than just general self-doubt. (By the way, I think a certain level of self-doubt is fine, because always being totally sure of yourself is simply unrealistic.)

Anyway, what you described sounds quite aspie to me. However, as Evinceo points out, if you are indeed faking it subconsciously, is that really so different from not faking it? The only difference would be that the cause of your symptoms is entirely psychological, not neurological. I suppose that's theoretically possible, but even if that's true, would it make any practical difference? Nobody could really tell and you could probably still use the same coping techniques as if it was neurological. So, personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the label and say that if your symptoms look a lot like AS you could assume for all practical purposes that you have AS. The only other thing you could do (other than just accepting that you'll never know) is to get a professional diagnosis.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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09 Nov 2012, 4:03 pm

Jabberwokky wrote:
If you read up a lot on aspergers, your aspie status will be very clear one way or another. At least, in my case I am in no doubt. I find though, that when I am more stressed, the aspergers behaviours etc are a lot more intense. Then again, the things that stress me are so obviously those things that are known to freak out aspergers people. There again, I have no doubt. What it took was a lot of research about aspergers. In the earlier stages, it was my lack of knowledge that caused the doubts.
I haven't had a formal diagnosis either. I intend to get diagnosed formally just to cap the whole matter once and for all and so that others in my family stop to think a bit about their status. I am in no rush though; the diagnosis is competing wth other financial commitments like dentist bills, motor vehicle servicing requirements and the dread Christmas shopping season. I dread Christmas.

I like this. I mean, I understand both the official DSM-4 and an activist's creative spoof re-write. http://www.journeyswithautism.com/2009/ ... or-autism/ And I've read the book Parallel Play and part of Pretending to be Normal. So it would really be more of a partnership, me working with a professional if I so choose, rather than the professional telling me what to do.

And some mental health professionals are good, some not so good. And the very fact that a difference is characterized this way as 'mental health' kind of shows a misapproach.

But that my sister might take the possibility more seriously for her children, that's a valid reason. But not at enormous compromise.



Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 09 Nov 2012, 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Spook1
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09 Nov 2012, 4:50 pm

Sure it is possible to be faking it. I have a hard time separating shyness, bad experience and disinterest.

Maybe ask yourself what reason would you have to be faking it and what you could possibly get out of it. I know there is borderline personality disorder (in my own words) is attention seeking behaviour, deception, and moodiness.



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10 Nov 2012, 2:43 pm

I KNOW I'm not "faking it". Thankfully, I've been diagnosed by a competent counselor whom I believe knows what she is doing. I AM what I AM! :D


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10 Nov 2012, 3:13 pm

Jabberwokky wrote:
If you read up a lot on aspergers, your aspie status will be very clear one way or another. At least, in my case I am in no doubt.

You will find though that with serial self-diagnosers (definitely not referring to anyone here!), this is usually the case with whatever the latest focus of one's hypochondria is...



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10 Nov 2012, 3:29 pm

Noetic wrote:
Jabberwokky wrote:
If you read up a lot on aspergers, your aspie status will be very clear one way or another. At least, in my case I am in no doubt.

You will find though that with serial self-diagnosers (definitely not referring to anyone here!), this is usually the case with whatever the latest focus of one's hypochondria is...



Exactly. You can read about conditions online and think you have it. That is why I don't trust my own self diagnoses with anything even though I have been right in the past because it would turn out I had it when I read my old school records and they were medical ones.


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Noetic
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10 Nov 2012, 3:45 pm

League_Girl wrote:
You can read about conditions online and think you have it. That is why I don't trust my own self diagnoses with anything even though I have been right in the past because it would turn out I had it when I read my old school records and they were medical ones.

I guess this is why you need experts who have seen condition X dozens or hundreds of times and know how to gauge symptoms and how to apply clinical descriptions to everyday situations. You can twist any diagnostic set of criteria to fit pretty much anyone if you're creative enough in their interpretation.



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10 Nov 2012, 4:54 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Noetic wrote:
Jabberwokky wrote:
If you read up a lot on aspergers, your aspie status will be very clear one way or another. At least, in my case I am in no doubt.

You will find though that with serial self-diagnosers (definitely not referring to anyone here!), this is usually the case with whatever the latest focus of one's hypochondria is...



Exactly. You can read about conditions online and think you have it. That is why I don't trust my own self diagnoses with anything even though I have been right in the past because it would turn out I had it when I read my old school records and they were medical ones.


The notion of being a hypochondriac who makes out that they have aspergers is a strange concept. I spend a lot of time faking being NT. I can understand that serial self analysts might like to add aspergers to their options, but that seems so non-productive. I guess there are people who do that, but its completely at odds with my own experience. Self analysis (even serial self analysis) is not always hypochondria. Developing self awareness through self analysis is a very important part of dealing with aspergers syndrome. Aspie people don't have a natural understanding of these things so need to spend time working it out through rational cognitive processes.

I have gone through a prolonged period of self analysis. The longness of it is precisely for the reason that I want to be sure that I am not bluffing myself. I have bought two books on the subject, read them intensively, made notes on the readings, written a personal life profile in relation to aspie traits, attended the local autism society monthly get-together and so forth. Basically, more investigation is a good thing, not a bad thing. I reckon it becomes hypochondria if a person uses it as a basis to abdicate from the challenges of life. In my case, I certainly don't do that. I think that the lack of understandng of what unhinges aspies leads to perceptions of hypochondria. Others call it hypochondria whereas for the aspie, they do actually feel ill. Its just that NTs cannot understand the causation of the illness. I find (for example) that my hyper-sensitivities cause me to stay in bed for 1-2 days occasionally. The wife calls it 'man flu'. The hypersensitivity makes me extremely uncomfortable; the continuous squawking, chattering and gum-flapping of my immediate family becomes entirely unbearable. Make no mistake, I love them dearly (wife and 3 kids - 8, 11 and 14) and I know its me who is the problem, not them. Nevertheless, I have to escape. Being touched by others also becomes a terror, never mind the repetitive caresses of a loving wife. Light, pollen, the smell of domestic chemical substances, the exhaust air from vacuum cleaners and hair driers, diesel and petrol fumes ( the list goes on and on) go from being irritating to entirely unbearable.

It is at times like these that I escape to the solace of a dark room and bury myself beneath the non-sensitizing layers of sheets and duvets. Man flu at its best. The older generations (when I was younger) deemed these escapes as some sort of unhealthy weakness that had to be expunged and it was often disallowed. I was too ashamed to tell them the school bell, the sound of rulers, slamming desks etc were causing me to freak out. I was also ashamed that I could not live up to the outgoing and socially well adjusted kid that they wanted me to be. Nowadays, I am very lucky to have an understanding family who let me escape. My wife is a saint.

In my case, I do have times when I think to myself, "there is no way, look how you handled xyz today; you can't be aspie." I then go through a nominal period of time when I forget about the aspergers thing. This normally lasts for a few hours at most. Aspergers manifests soon after without fail; I spend significantly more time knowing very deeply that I am aspie and I know to trust that knowing because it makes sense of my life experience. The fleeting times of feeling NT do not explain my reality anywhere near as much; in fact, those NT feelings cause confusion and disappointment when they get crushed.

Essentially, the risks associated with not acknowledging and dealing with my aspie-ness are very real. I know that I fake being NT to get through life and I now make a conscious effort to allow time and space to play out the aspie-ness so that I have the energy to do the NT fake that I need to do to maintain a successful life. Attempting to 'fake' autism would cause serious problems. I have enough well concealed stims such that if I stimmed openly I would draw serious attention to myself.

To give some idea of the magnitude of the stimming; I have to make efforts to change the stims because if I continue with the same stims, I cause myself injuries. For example, my neck is very sensitive ever since I pulled my neck muscles out due to stimming. The neck is ok now, but I can't do the neck stim anymore; I do back, arms, hands and fingers mostly these days. I have a reasonably senior corporate role that would be affected if I let my whole aspie nature have free rein.


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10 Nov 2012, 7:30 pm

You would be amazed at how hard it is for the mind to accept that your not normal.

Ive had all of those, maybe its just a period, maybe its just something ive tricked myself into.

It can be very hard to accept your different, when you tried having a job and such, and must accept it doesnt work.

Sometimes even today, my mind can almost convince myself that maybe it was just something i didn without knowing and maybe it has gone away.

Then you go out and someone talks to much and it feels like you've been out drinking all night, with the worst headaches ever, for just talk.

Denial is very very real, and the hardest part about being sick and such is accepting it.