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Hellow everyone I'm Andrew from Indiana and I have trouble making freinds and keeeping them and I was wondering if anybody has any suggestions just courious thank you.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Social Skills and Making Friends]

What would you like suggested?

I have the same problem. I have no friends despite trying to learn interactions for years and it all adds up to I only get along with girls and none of those "friendships" last

Need more information.

Can you tell us about some of the friends you've had and lost?

This is Annie: and this is always something you can ask me about.

I agree that you need to be more specific: tell us more about where you've been trying to meet people, how you've been trying to make friends, and some of your past failed friendships.

Hey Everyone I'm really sorry it has taken me so long to reply back. . I will try to be alittle bit more specific. I been trying to meet people honestley like on the internet and I know I need to be careful with that and always at school where I take a few classes. I will say alot of freinds that i did have were in High School and maybe a few other places and the reason it felt like I lost them because they got full time jobs which is great I'm really happy for them about that but I never really see them anymore and I felt like i was bothering them by trying to keep reaching out . Also I would not mind finding a girl or dating and I will confess I never been on a date in my whole Life I'm afraid i will fail at it but I'm staying optimistic that i will find a girl that will love me for who I'm wherever she is and even love me through my faults. I hope I answered some gaps if anyone has any questions plesae ask. Thank you all so much Andrew,

Yes. I have a very important suggestion for you. Listen Carefully. This book changed my life, and I highly suggest reading it: "Unlimited Power" by Anthony Robbins If you can't afford the $10 it costs on amazon, go to worldcat.org and look for it in a library near you.

Than you so much DannyRadede. I'm really apreciate that I will look into it.

I was wondering more along the lines of HOW you try and make friends. How do you approach people? How often do you approach people? What do you say to people when you try and get to know them? What happens when you try and catch up with old friends? Do they ignore you? Do you try and talk to them again even if they don't respond?

People move on when they grow up and this happens to everyone whether they have AS or not: it's natural at this age. You need to find people who have something in common with you. The reason I think it would be great to have some more friends on the spectrum is because that is something you have in common. I know you are also interested in hockey, so you can also join hockey forums and message boards as well.

Volunteering is also another way to meet people. You mentioned that you volunteer, so perhaps finding more places to do so might help you meet more people.

Also: many guys your age haven't been on dates, so don't feel alone. As well, although girls are interesting, I always think that if you want a neurotypical girlfriend, you're going to have to practice making friends first and improving your social skills. If you know any AS girls, you may not have to worry about that as much, but in general, girls usually look for a guy who has at least a couple of friends (and these can be of both sexes). If you want to work towards this, get to know some girls just as friends...sometimes friendships develop into relationships!

Hey Annie I wanted to say the best way I try to make freinds is talking to them and trying to find things in common with them which sometimes I hard for me. When I try to catch up with old freinds fro like High School they do seem to ignore me and sometimes I should not do this but I keep on trying to reach out and keep getting hurt so sometimes i teel myslf i need to stop. May I ask you Annie do you know where I could find some hockey forums because I would be intersted in that . I'm also very intersted in dong more work in the near future to keep on metting new people. I'm trying to meet some famles and some I do taalk to now and then that I have my eye on but sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for them to be honest but sometimes I have to not worry about rejection. Thank you for all the advice.

When you try to get in touch with someone and they do not respond, they are not interested in talking with you, so do not contact them back, otherwise they will think of you as clingy and desperate...and that's not someone they want to keep in touch with. Also look at the quality of their responses too. If a person really cares about you, they will respond in a friendly way with things such as "nice to hear from you again" and will ask about you and your interests.

There are some things you need to work on when you are first meeting people. When you first get to know someone, you usually keep a low profile, which means you talk to them only a little bit to see if they like you or not. If it is really clear that they do, you can begin to have experiences with them such as chats to form the basis on your friendship. Some people on the spectrum tend to rush with this through, in that they decide they really like someone, but jump right into the friendship without giving it time to grow on its own.

I've met a few people on the spectrum who, when they really appreciate or like someone, they tend to show it a little too much, so they will message them all the time, "like" all their things on facebook, etc. The two girls I mentor who do this say they love me and talk all the time about how great I am, but that's not something you do when you aren't really a close friend. You also tend to be a little excessive with your "likes", comments and things like that on Victoria and I's facebook pages.

I know that you really like us, and while we don't mind it because we understand who you are, if you do this to other people, they might see that as clingy. So my advice to you is to take things slow when you meet new people or try to keep in touch. When a person hasn't responded, don't message them back. They may get to it in their own time, and if they don't get to you, they aren't someone you should be talking to.

Maybe if you would like to meet new people online on message boards, another thing you may want to work on is your spelling. I know that not everyone is the best speller in the world, but it will make people respect you a little more and they will find you easier to understand as well. I wish that not everyone was judged on this, but unfortunately most people are and people on the internet can be very judgmental sometimes. The easiest way to check your spelling is to type what you write into a Word document and run the spell check.

Also, as for finding forums and the like, practice using Google! I use it constantly for searching new things that I'm interested in. All you have to know is the main points of what I want to search. So if you want to search for a hockey forum, search for "message boards nhl" or "hockey forum"...I have no doubt that you will find some.

Hey Annie I appreciate that advice anf I'm trying to do better about peaving people alone because I don't want to come of as clingy so I do distance myself from them even though sometimes it is hard. . That is good advice about keeping a low profile and not going strait to the point. Also I'm sorry if I bothered you or Victoria believe me it is not my intention I just see you all as Amazing people who give me alot of help who I can relate to alot . Thank you for the advice on the spelling check sometimes i do rush to fast and I need to take my time. I will look into some of those bords on google and thank you for all your advice and everythin you do for me Annie . It was good hearing from you.

Andrew

I know it's not your intention to be annoying at all...as someone who works with people on the spectrum a lot, I know it isn't. Most of the time with people on the spectrum (not just you) don't mean to come across a certain way but the way they act makes it seem like they are.

It's best to change your actions in these situations so that people don't get confused by what you really want and the way you act. In your case, by taking things slow it shows people that you are a patient person who is able to give them space...these are both important in a friendship. If you give them too much attention, it will only annoy them.

I am glad you're making some friends on Facebook...that's such a great start. Maybe you can post in some discussions here too so that you're talking to other Aspies and not just me. The goal for you would be to find some people that you can talk to regularly, since from what I assume, you don't really have many people you can do that with in your life right now.

Hey Annie Thanks again for understand and I do agree with you give people spave so I don't annoy them like I have done at times.


I will start looking at looking at other people's post on here and see if I can put my two sence in and keep on metting people.


Thank yuo for everything Annie.


Andrew