Both Aspies but he is married

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Hi Guys,

I am an aspie, presently going through a medical evaluation for a formal diagnosis. and I am seeing a guy who is also an aspie, but...he is married. Now...I know first hand, this sounds terrible. I have never in my life had anything to do with a married person, purely because I avoid situations that I know will bring me unnecessary stress. Without going into all the details, he has a very unhappy marriage where all the intimacy both physical and emotional, has withered away. We don't discuss that side of his life much, a) because our time together is so precious anyway, and b) I know it makes him REALLY stressed. He has no children, has been married for 6 years and she doesn't work. I can speculate on my own as to why he won't leave her. He's an aspie and aspie men are strongly tied with not giving up. She doesn't work which would probably imply he wouldn't want the burden of providing for her (home, bills, etc) and for his, when he says he works like a dog already to maintain what he does. But....yes, there is always a but, this is driving me to despair now. We have been seeing each other since January this year, we met online, and I told him I wasn't interested in him romantically, but we could be friends (he fascinated me because he was an aspie, never met one before, and he was highly intelligent, which makes a change from other guys). Because as an aspie I am not capable of looking into future situations and predicting what could/might happen, I eventually fell for this man. The first time we met he grabbed me like a scene out of a movie, a packed railway station in central London and he holds me and kisses me and is shaking so much and just says he cant believe it. That I am everything he thought I would be. I wasn't happy with that at the time, it made me cringe, I didn't think he was all that physically and I thought it was a ittle crazy to just grab me like that in public and kiss me so many times. Now, it makes me smile. Especially knowing he is really not prone to PDOA.e's always been very honest with me (as far as I know) and said he is not planning on leaving his wife, and that if he ever did, he would just leave this country and go travelling, working in bars and not be tied to anyone. I have been hurt, cried (never in front of him) and been VERY angry about it. I have told him exactly what I think of that, how I feel about him now, but that there are things I wont tolerate too. I have told him that if he is planning to do all that then he should leave me because it's the right thing to do. He said I broke the number one rule which was not to mention the "L" word, (yes "I" was the one who said no to that from the start, but then mentioned it once as I was feeling exhilaratingly happy) and he sees that as breaking the rules, I explained that in matter of feelings a person can change and I never lie, so I wasn't about to start now. If I felt love that one moment, then I had every right to tell him. If he isn't happy with it, he knows where the door is. He never does leave though. I have pushed him several times, and he never goes. We see each other around once a month, he travels abroad a lot for work as he is self employed, so those restrictions make it even worse. However, when we *are* together, it is perfect. We have not only a very good physical relationship, we also have an incredibly good rapport, we can talk intellectual about a diverse number of things and ur interests are extremely similar. We also share a good sense of humour. There isn't much about him I dont like, which for me is a revelation in itself, as other men I have dated, inevitably annoy me after a while. With him, what annoys me is his marriage (not because I want him for the same, because I dont and wouldn't want to live with him) and the fact that he hardly ever responds to the questions I ask on my emails (which I love to write). He says because he can't concentrate working, being at home, and dedicating time for my emails. He said it feels like another responsibility which he doesn't want. When he says something like this, I can have a meltdown and literally break up with him and tell him (again) exactly what I think about his cowardice situation.
Crickey, Im going on and on and I haven't even asked you guys what I want to ask. The fulcrum of all this is the following. I want to know if he has feelings for me. I have asked him in all possible ways and manners. Mostly by writing, as I am not too comfortable asking stuff like that face to face. I have even said (and it's true) he can be honest about it, I wont take offence, but I have the right to know, that if he wants me just for sex, could he please say it. His answer was: "No it's not just sex. I enjoyed that time we went out to London for a beer int hat pub, as a tangible experience". Of course, that is not answering my question. Do you guys think he is avoiding answering, or he truly doesn't understand the question? I once asked if he liked me and he said "Yes of course, but it's when things start to go wrong that we see how people really are".
Any comments would be really appreciated. Than you so much. Sandra

He is married and not planning to change that.
this means you won't get to see him as much as you need to( you state so in your post) id say.things won't change and you should look elsewhere if you want more commitment

This should just about cover it:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geHLdg_VNww[/youtube]

Seriously though, if he's married and unhappy and unwilling to change it, he's either a gluten for punishment or he is lieing to you.

I would get away from him, he's holding you back from being happy, and it's not fair to you.

If he's really miserable in his marriage, and in love with you, unless he is Catholic, there is no real reason for him not to make a change.

If he's not willing to, he's not worth your time.

If he's married and happy in the marriage, friendship is the best you can hope for.

I am going to be honest and say that I do not approve of this extramarital affair. You commit to a person, you remain committed to that person. And if you no longer want to be committed to that person, you talk it over and if it cannot be fixed, you disengage. You don't go have an affair.

I bolded lines which stood out for me.

Yes, he is just using you for sex. You see each other once a month. The two of you will want to put your best faces forward for each other and have that short special sweet time with each other to be all warm and cozy and carefree. Forget about the real world and its stressors. Plus free sex, yay! You will come across the same sentiment from some aspies (men and women) here, that their ideal relationship would be if they could just meet up with their "partner" once to a few times a month and then have the rest of the time to themselves. Or, in this case, go back to his real reality.

He has been honest with you and told you how he feels. Perhaps you just don't want to acknowledge the truth. His answer is that he is not going to leave his wife. And if he did, he's not going to leave her for you but for a vagabond life. What other answer do you need?

Some people in situations where children are involved have still found a way to leave the relationships, if for the sake of their own happiness. You say they have no children? Then what's really stopping him? And don't speculate. Ask him for the reason why. And no, it is not true that "aspie men are strongly tied with not giving up." And it is not true either that aspies are not capable of lying.

In the movie The Ice Storm, a married man having an affair with a married woman starts talking about his problems. She cuts him off by saying, "I have a husband. I don't particularly feel the need for another." So no, this married man you're having an affair with doesn't really want to know where your relationship is heading or how you're feeling. As he has said. it is another responsibility which he does not want (and I'm not just talking about the e-mails). And he doesn't want to know the real you, because then, things just might become too real and he can't deal.

You said that you avoid situations that you know will bring you unnecessary stress. I think you know what needs to happen here. He is only thinking about himself in this affair with you. It's time to think about what is best for you.

Thank you so much for all your comments. I agree with everything you say Esther. I have been on the outside looking in to many situations alike and have said the same thing. I know the issue here is me. Everyone tells me how attractive I am, how my personality could win many men over, but the truth is I have a hard time believing it. I also think that it will be practically impossible to find someone who doesn't want to be in my face 24/7, but on the other hand isn't married. I know I am going to have to break this up sooner or later. Esther you are right. I really don't understand why he wont leave if he is so unhappy. No children, so no ties. I know his parents are *very* religious, but he isn't. I don't admire the cowardice regardless of being involved with him or not. Yes, I think it takes time for someone to take that huge step that separation involves, but it is about time he did so. I laugh at the vagabond life he talks about. He is 41, does he really think people are just going to employ him for bar work anywhere warm in the USA? He's a blimmin' scientist, such a high IQ, yet in emotional aspects he must be under 50. I feel so stupid. I see myself in the situation I said I would *never* be in. x

I think you put yourself in this situation by messing around with a married man...I don't care how attracted you were to each other, you just don't cross that line of self-respect and morals

Just two questions to make you seriously think: How would you feel about destroying a marriage and ruining another woman's life in order to secure that man for yourself?

How would YOU feel if another woman stole the man you loved away from you?



... you don't need to post any answers here - just please REALLY think about this.

I agree I shouldnt have gone there. No matter how bad the story way, I should have stayed clear. To be brutally frank I didnt think I would fall for him in a million years. I am not letting that cloud my judgement though. As for ruining a marriage? I didn't. According to him, it is ruined. He is the one who is a coward for not leaving (not for me because I have said before and I re-iterate, I do NOT want to have anyone living with me). My only concern is that he might have lied, but I can be sure of course. I aways thought he was pretty honest because he is an aspie like me, and because I never lie, I thought it was implicit he wouldnt either. Now I am being told different things. I am going to see him today and I will discuss things once and for all. He hates confrontation, but so do I, but I hate burry waters even more and I am going to ask him to tell me why he is not leaving the marriage if he is so unhappy, and of course I risk hearing he isnt unhappy after al, or some other crap like that, but so be it. Most likely he will get up and leave but if he does, then that's his choice. I am not able to go against my morals, never mind the others.
To the person who asks me what would it feel to be in her shoes? I dont know what her shoes are exactly, obviously but I have had a guy leave me for someone else, and I wished him luck from the bottom of my heart, because trying to be bitter or angry because someone doesnt love you anymore, is just silly and a waste of time and energy. To this day, me and that ex are the best of friends. What I dont think is necessary is for people to just tolerate each other for whatever reason, and then resentment and ager grows, and it is too late to salvage anything.

Well, if you are really going to ask him for the truth, some advice I
dgive is to not look angry or hurt, just ask him nicely, as though no consequences are involved. That's how I get the truth out of my friends, and esp. if he has AS, emotions will really makes him not want to answer. And also, I would think people with AS tell the truth, but they can also lie too, it has happened to me a lot before, but they, just like any otherperson, may lie under pressure, so act cool and composed when you ask.

Of course he's a liar! He's a married man having an affair! If he lies to the wife to whom he has made a public, legal and moral commitment, then why on earth should you think he's being honest with you?

Thanks Evy. That is sound advice. I will do. Poker face.x

Marcia, the answer to that question is because with me he has nothing to lose really. He knows I am not afraid of the truth. But I do get your point and accept it with much gratitude. x

Geez. I never understood why girls fall for guys like this (and married too) when there are plenty of nice single guys out there. Just doesn't make sense. You'll never be a couple and he made it clear he won't leave his wife - even if he does, he wants to go traveling. Move on! Let him work on his marriage. How would you like to be a wife to someone like that?

Colton, I woudn't put myself in that situation to start with, so I can't answer that question. However, if you read my previous posts, you will step outside the box and realise I *have* been in that position, and let the guy go because I wasn't obviously making him happy. To this day, he is still with that woman, and they are good friends of mine and whom I always wish the best for. People do fall out of love. It's a fact. Before you jump the gun, I know that if he isn't happy he should change his situation. But I cant go inside his head and make him do that. I too was once married, stopped being in love with my hubby but I didnt just go ahead and left him. I did do it eventually but it was a very painful decision and one I didnt take lightly. I must be doing something right, because even though I dont have that many ex's, the ones I do, still love me as a friend to this day. Life is too short to be bitter about.