-6; unfortunately a whole slew of unpleasantness today, capped off by the fact that I am hormonal-ly not in the ideal position to cope with it all. I think it's the weight of taking steps in what I believed was the right direction in a couple of parts of my life that are very critical to me to deal with (moving/living situation, love life) and found disappointment waiting for me. Moving always feels stunted by the idea that my world (America, specifically) could drastically change in less than 30 days, and do I want to be alone if something awful happens? Or would it be preferable to my current living situation? I found a nice townhouse today and sometimes I think I should just be like...contact the landlord and say I'd like to move in as soon as it's available!! But I stop short because of anxiety, like usual.
Then, yesterday morning I sent what I hoped was a kind message of congratulations on an accomplishment to the person I have had feelings for and was just ignored completely, I found out early this afternoon. I haven't spoken to him in person for a couple of years but...I don't know what I did wrong that he ignored me, we were always on good terms the last I knew so I am left in a bit of a mess of anxiety with the thought of what I could have possibly done wrong (to be clear - I would understand a brief reply - like a simple 'thanks!' but the complete lack of any response (despite reading the message) is not what I consider normal for the established relationship here). I guess my anxious mess over this issue is best summed up in my lack of understanding of social conventions...not knowing what's appropriate means I land in issues like this sometimes, where it seems something has gone on completely without my knowledge.
I'm short on tears, like I often am, or maybe I'm just refusing to cry because I wish I was above that. I have little experience in love and none with flat out rejection, although I've made no romantic gesture this time, that's what this feels like.
I suppose I will get over it, if I'm not beginning to already. This was cathartic, in the mean time.