scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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Back at my typical 7.

-8 Pretty depressed. Nothing is going right! I'm a failure.

5

I still have anxiety over the Omicron virus. I am vaccinated, yet didn't get a booster shot yet because I am not sure if I qualify for one in my state. I also read that Moderna (the vaccine I got) may not be effective against it. I am really concerned about Christmas being canceled here because of the new virus. I am looking forward to visiting family members on Christmas, and even bought everyone presents. Now I am scared that my plans will all be in vain, and won't happen at all. We may still have a small party at my house, but at least one person may or may not show up, making it not so much a party. Please help me God...

7. I don't care about that job i applied for anymore

+5

It would be higher, were it not for those meddling kids and their stupid dog.

8 ah... the symbol of infinity

3

Maybe 2, going towards 3. I was in negative territory all last week.

I just didn't feel like howling in the trains last week.

negative something something

tl;dr, don't bother reading; just getting stuff out at a place that provides me with the comfort to

Quite sad and sore, but that's how it goes. The memories keep me company, for good and bad. Mad at the world for forcing the situations on me (no choice), but mad at myself for keeping myself invisible regardless of whatever torture I was in (a choice; they say none, but I think there is), for my mistakes, errors and failures (a choice), and how damaged and broken I was afterwards (a bit of both).

I'll be fine, as I cope by my inability to; it's nothing new, not that it makes it feel any better.

PTSD is playing up; the nightmares and night terrors manifest themselves as the screams and thunderclaps of the trauma, and the daylight panic brings me back to the darkness. Autism is...autism, and still not much of a bother when you're a loner that moves by your own hands. OCD hasn't been too bad funnily enough; a good portion of the world has taken up the slack there (lol). Panic disorder? The shadow of panic is always walking with me, whether in real or imagined footsteps. GAD? Still always anxious; it's an old friend like tinnitus. All these conditions feed off one another. You notice the tinnitus and out comes the terror of what caused the tinnitus, which brings the panic of the events themselves and then anxiety for everything else, and you then can't get the intrusive thoughts out of your head. Repeat daily. Fun times. Nerve pain with the stabbed hand has mostly gone outside of touch, and the motor nerve to the thumb and thenar eminence ended up being completely severed, so loss of function and muscle atrophy (it has weird twitches/fasciculations on and off in those areas, which is a sign of a dead motor nerve). The other four fingers are working fine along with the other half of the palm, so yay (the hand wasn't functional for several months, so I gained a lot back there).

My mother isn't doing all that well (those one in a million medical conditions are the lotteries you don't want to win), but that's also how it goes. I do my best to look after her. She has no one else (it's quite sad actually; she has wealthy siblings and they don't even offer to help. One shouldn't have to ask for something that should be given). Neither do I.

Something funny. I ran into the same Eastern Brown snake today that I've mentioned (he almost took me out from one of his bites). He's doing well and quite a bit bigger, and seems to stick to the same area. No step on snake. I have to name him/her, because that's what we humans apparently do. Locke. Live free, Locke.

And that's my updated blog post (sorry). Until next time (double sorry).

-10 I am so stressed out my blood pressure must be through the roof.

At my typical 7.

1, I agree with others, they got this new strain of virus I’ve become disgruntled with life, I feel there’s nothing else left of this world and it’s silly to go further in life and easiest to setting with how far I’ve come. I help others by using art and entertainment to advise and make others laugh and they all stopped showing gratitude

negative something

Watching the person you care for have an attack of her one in a million neurological disorder and wondering if this time is the 1 in the 1 in 10 death dance, takes it out of you. You've mentally mapped it all out as it's ongoing: where the manual CPR breather is, she's got the blood pressure cuff on already (160 over 119; getting borderline too high, but it's usually transient, so I expect it to go down quickly), she's in tetany, has 150+ sinus tachy, but 02 is good; shallow rapid breathing, not good, as that means diaphragm muscles are in spasm. She's sweating (autonomic and/or adrenergic) and in agony. You try not to look at anything but readings and symptoms/signs, because there's little that remains of you, and seeing it is a quick way to take the remainder. You rush to get the meds that [slowly] abort the attack and put them in her mouth with a little water, hoping she doesn't choke; she needs them, and choking adds further complexity. You haven't called the ambulance because there's nothing they can really do at this stage and is a waste of their time; cardiac or respiratory arrest is the obvious call. Sustained 180 over 120 will do it too (doctors/specialists are somewhat conflicted over the BP stuff since it's transient, even if reaching too high), as will an attack that doesn't stop with what we have on hand. You hold her hand and her grip leaves fingernail marks in yours and your hand goes red as you stare out the window into the sky.

Her BP goes down fairly quickly and the heart-rate goes back to normal at around 30 minutes, and she starts shaking. You exhale, as you know she made it through.

You walk away to your bedroom and start screaming as loud as you can with your mouth closed and punching your head, because what else can an autistic man to do convey the level of emotion and hopelessness he feels.
You eventually lie on the ground knowing it's not going to get any easier, which is somewhat comforting in that you have some certainty. Knowing what to expect is the best medicine. I can handle it, as there's no one else.

I have a headache (nothing a Paracetamol won't fix). I don't like these days. I'm sure she dislikes them more.