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madamehussein
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

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Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 42

24 Nov 2012, 5:04 pm

First, how do you identify?

I identify as bisexual and gender queer. Though this is an ongoing and sometimes painful discussion with myself...It's not my gay side I have trouble accepting, but my staight side. I keep thinking I just imagine I have a straight side 'cause I want to have one. That I'm "false" and that I'm going to hurt myself and others pretending to be someone that I'm not....

I tend to idolize girls...or at least certain kinds of girls. It's hard to me to separate idolization, attraction and identification from one another. It kinda messes things up for me.

But...regardless of the reasons for me feeling this way, I tend to identify as bisexual and gender queer.

How long have you known you were different, and how long did it take you to accept it?


I've known I was attracted to guys since about eighth grade, when I had my second crush on a best friend. I still haven't accepted, emotionally, being bisexual and gender queer, I'm 28 now.

Do you currently feel like you have to take extra care not to let all of the negativity and hatred in the world bring you down?


Negativity, no. Stupidity, incompetence,and pointlessness? Disappointment? Despair? Loneliness? Hells yeah ^^

For anyone who is/has been romantically involved with someone who is the same gender/sex as you, do you tend to date people who kind of look like you?
(

Not at all, though I can't say I've been dating a lot. I like to date people who make me feel a certain way, who I can "connect" with. Though I could certainly date people who look the way I feel (between genders, androgynous), or like I would like to look myself.

How self-conscious/insecure(if at all) are you about your body/physical appearance?


Not at all really.

Do you have a sort of Queer mentor or favored role model?

I liked the person writing here before, the one with the green dragon/lizard.

Other than that, no. I've been depressingly isolated sadly ^^

Do you ever or have you ever used aggressive/confrontational tactics to deal with any bigotry you've encountered?

I haven't really encountered that kind of behaviour since high school. After that, I've only ever associated with smart people, or at least people with manners. Also, I'm very aggression inhibited so I guess no. Though I try to be a bit more assertive.

Further on the previous question, what kind of situations have you encountered that were really challenging in terms of remaining calm or being a decent human being back to people who are saying abusive things et al? (if you've ran into this)


Girls and small children pointing and laughing at me, because of my body language. A girl I liked who taught her little brother (who originally though I was "cute") to give me the finger. People talking about my "worthless social skills" while I'm actually in the room-

Again, I've never had any problems remaining calm though ^^

I don't know. How do you get by without breaking down emotionally?


I had a crush on my best friend for five years without saying anything, We kissed while drunk and even slept in the same bed a couple of times. I've had to develop iron skin over the years. I have trouble letting anyone at all know I feel troubled nowadays, I just tend to wave of people's concerns with sarcasm and plattitudes (is that a word in english?).

Also... I kind of wish I had more gay friends and I just wondered who would be OK with me PMing them.

If the chemistry turns out to be there, them fine I guess. But you'd better use my mail or facebook in that case.



Drebi
Raven
Raven

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Joined: 17 Sep 2012
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Posts: 112
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27 Nov 2012, 7:09 am

First, how do you identify? In regards to your gender identity and sexual orientation.
I identify as non-binary (trigender) and pansexual.

How long have you known you were different, and how long did it take you to accept it?
I do not recall a time in my life that I didn't feel out of place amongst my peers. For as long as I remember, I have always felt like an outcast lurking amongst the pillars of society. The people/community I was surrounded by during my childhood and early adolescence definitely affected my reaction to the realization of what exactly made me "different". I was 7 when I came to that realization, 13 when I accepted it (and stopped trying to change it), and 15 when I stopped hating myself because of it.

Do you currently feel like you have to take extra care not to let all of the negativity and hatred in the world bring you down?
I'm not sure. I mean, I'm definitely saddened by it, but I have hope that logic and rationality will prevail.

For anyone who is/has been romantically involved with someone who is the same gender/sex as you, do you tend to date people who kind of look like you? (just something I've noticed, some of the couples I know frequently get asked if they're siblings #_#)
I have not been involved with someone of the same sex, however, based on my previous attractions, I feel confident in my assumption that any future partners I have will not be mistaken as relatives. :roll:

How self-conscious/insecure(if at all) are you about your body/physical appearance?
Honestly, the only things I'm insecure/unhappy with are my weight, breasts and strabismus.

Do you have a sort of Queer mentor or favored role model? (such an older person who has been there for you, or even a public figure like James Baldwin or Fran Lebowitz whose work inspires you etc.) List as many as you wish.
None that I can think of. 8O

Do you ever or have you ever used aggressive/confrontational tactics to deal with any bigotry you've encountered? (I guess I mean stuff like telling someone that yeah, you're queer/different, and they can get used to it or f*ck off)
Not really. If I respond at all, it's with a logical, rational argument supporting my stance. If they can do the same, I will continue the conversation. If they cannot, I have no further interest in the conversation and thus it ends. I prefer debating to arguing, and I tend to agree to disagree rather than lower my standards to their level.

Further on the previous question, what kind of situations have you encountered that were really challenging in terms of remaining calm or being a decent human being back to people who are saying abusive things et al? (if you've ran into this)
People have told me I'm disgusting, perverted, an abomination, going to burn in hell, etc. Typically, I do not find it challenging to remain calm unless those confronting me are attempting to use their beliefs to oppress me, being physically violent, or are someone I care for.

How do you get by without breaking down emotionally?
I experienced abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence. I suppose I've developed a tolerance to it.

Also... I kind of wish I had more gay friends and I just wondered who would be OK with me PMing them... I mean not to talk about anything specific but... just to correspond occasionally if we can find something to talk about?
I'm not homosexual and I can't promise that we will share any common interests, but if you want to PM me to find out, it's cool with me. :mrgreen:



CftxP
Blue Jay
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Joined: 11 Nov 2012
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27 Nov 2012, 7:59 am

I'll try to answer all of your questions. :)

Quote:
First, how do you identify? In regards to your gender identity and sexual orientation. I know this can be a really complex thing and it's really personal so please don't feel any pressure to be brief or try to give a simple explanation, I know that sometimes is impossible and if you have to write a ton to explain it, that's completely fine.


I know I'm definitely gay since my attraction is towards the same sex though emotional attachment is more definite with women (they seem to get me and I'm also more emotionally attached to those who are more sympathetic).

Quote:
How long have you known you were different, and how long did it take you to accept it?


I can answer this question in two ways, gay and autistic.

I've known that I was gay since puberty started to hit (around 11 nearing 12) since I didn't get that strange feeling seeing an attractive bare-naked girl.

As for autistic, I didn't even know until I got my results from the psychologist almost a month ago. But after a month of obsessive research, I realized that yeah, I must be a cousin since I'm definitely not NT!

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Do you currently feel like you have to take extra care not to let all of the negativity and hatred in the world bring you down?


I sure do! It took me guts to just post it on Facebook that I was gay. But for some reason, I have these strange empathic abilities and after years trying to suppress these strange emotional behaviors, I've gotten used to blocking out the hatred and negativity from most others, I just end up with a slight rant and poof it's gone! But for the record, I don't just go up to people and say "Hi, I'm gay! How are you?" so many don't even realize I'm gay. :P

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For anyone who is/has been romantically involved with someone who is the same gender/sex as you, do you tend to date people who kind of look like you?
(just something I've noticed, some of the couples I know frequently get asked if they're siblings #_#)


I've never been romantically (or in any familiar way) involved but I have noticed that trend too, it's a bit strange to me but love is love isn't it?

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How self-conscious/insecure(if at all) are you about your body/physical appearance?


I'm very self-conscious. Of course it doesn't help that I'm very obsessive but my self-esteem is almost at zero level (when it comes to me comparing myself with others' appearances). But I guess this has made me a bit more free since with my shortcomings in appearance I excel at my talents, skills, and niceness so it's an exchange that I'm pretty happy with. ;)

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Do you have a sort of Queer mentor or favored role model? (such an older person who has been there for you, or even a public figure like James Baldwin or Fran Lebowitz whose work inspires you etc.) List as many as you wish.


Well, I love Ellen, but what I love more is that she helps so many people, that's what I wanna do one day so it's totally heart-warming to see what she's done and still doing!

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Do you ever or have you ever used aggressive/confrontational tactics to deal with any bigotry you've encountered? (I guess I mean stuff like telling someone that yeah, you're queer/different, and they can get used to it or f*ck off)


When my parents used to think that I can change, I'd always confront them in a negative light since I raised myself to think that if someone else wants you to change yourself, unless it's for improving your abilities, those words are worthless! Though I just "came out" last week, rest assured that anyone who tells me that my attraction is a choice will receive a wonderful rant. 8)

Quote:
Further on the previous question, what kind of situations have you encountered that were really challenging in terms of remaining calm or being a decent human being back to people who are saying abusive things et al? (if you've ran into this)


Well, I get really pushy when my siblings even make it a laughing matter, then again, they didn't really accept me until I was around 15 or 16 and my parents until I was around 18 so that period between 11 to 18 was a hectic one to say the least and my house, unfortunately, has shown signs of my anger management issues. I fear that I may have IED so yeah, that's a start. :x


Quote:
I guess part of why I ask some of these questions is that every time I see a story about homosexuals and trans people and the evil queer folk, or someone being bashed, murdered, some kid committing suicide, (this list is potentially endless) or if I just think about the history and I think about the suicide rates among gay teens... I sometimes break down and cry for hours at a time because I cannot comprehend how so much of the world can be like this(kill the gays bill in Uganda?) and... I don't know. How do you get by without breaking down emotionally?


Well, I cope by crying a little bit and since drawing is one aspect of my life's work, so is social justice, I often find solace in drawing and art. But when it comes to my anger at these atrocities to social justice, I'm often able to find the strength and wisdom to write poetry (people seem to think I'm good at that as well though I don't really apply the principles I've learned after years of AP English). It is sad that we still live in a world where all aspects of religion, even hate, are put before the humanity. People fight so many wars over ideological differences that they forget about the fact that we're all human. The only thing that sets me apart from a straight guy (other than neurological differences) is attraction, and it sucks that just because a piece of religious text says so, that I should be eradicated from the face of the earth. I mean, these texts were written how long ago? To me, either these texts are wrong in their entirety or they should be applied according to "the times".

Quote:
Also... I kind of wish I had more gay friends and I just wondered who would be OK with me PMing them... I mean not to talk about anything specific but... just to correspond occasionally if we can find something to talk about?


I'd be happy to enjoy being friends with you if you want. You have a good heart and that's all I've ever wanted in a friend so feel free to PM me or something like that. And thanks for your interest! :)



visagrunt
Veteran
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Joined: 16 Oct 2009
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28 Nov 2012, 4:08 pm

meems wrote:
I hope this is clear enough. If anyone would like to answer any of these, I would appreciate it, I'm interested to see what people say. It's not for anything other than personal curiosity.

First, how do you identify? In regards to your gender identity and sexual orientation. I know this can be a really complex thing and it's really personal so please don't feel any pressure to be brief or try to give a simple explanation, I know that sometimes is impossible and if you have to write a ton to explain it, that's completely fine.


Gay. Perfect Kinsey 6. Totally and unambiguously gay.

Quote:
How long have you known you were different, and how long did it take you to accept it?


I've known since the onset of puberty. Acceptance was more of a process. I certainly knew that my sexuality was immutable--it wasn't going to change; so from that perspective I accepted it early on. But I didn't become comfortable with it until I was about 18 or 19 and I started to come out.

Quote:
Do you currently feel like you have to take extra care not to let all of the negativity and hatred in the world bring you down?


I'm not sure. I certainly confront negativity or hatred when I see it, and it may be that this effort keeps me from being brought down by it. If so, then that certainly counts as "extra care."

Quote:
For anyone who is/has been romantically involved with someone who is the same gender/sex as you, do you tend to date people who kind of look like you?
(just something I've noticed, some of the couples I know frequently get asked if they're siblings #_#)


Not at all. My dating/relationship history has never been confined to any particular "type."

Quote:
How self-conscious/insecure(if at all) are you about your body/physical appearance?


Somewhat. I'm not happy with my weight, but I don't dwell on it.

Quote:
Do you have a sort of Queer mentor or favored role model? (such an older person who has been there for you, or even a public figure like James Baldwin or Fran Lebowitz whose work inspires you etc.) List as many as you wish.


There are certainly people whose work I have admired, but their queerness has often been incidental to what I admire them for. I suppose the closest thing to a queer role model would be Peter Jepson-Young.

Quote:
Do you ever or have you ever used aggressive/confrontational tactics to deal with any bigotry you've encountered? (I guess I mean stuff like telling someone that yeah, you're queer/different, and they can get used to it or f*ck off)


Well, that's classic testosterone response, isn't it? I think we (men, in particular) have all had the urge to pop someone who angers us. But some of us are subject to lesser motivations towards aggressive response, and others of us are better equipped to control that.

I've certainly argued--sometimes vociferously--when confronting bigotry; but never violence.

Quote:
Further on the previous question, what kind of situations have you encountered that were really challenging in terms of remaining calm or being a decent human being back to people who are saying abusive things et al? (if you've ran into this)


To be honest, precious few. Generally speaking, I am unlikely to find myself in situations where words won't work, or from which one or both sides can't simply walk away.

(And BTW, sometimes the proper response for a decent human being is not to remain calm!)

Quote:
I guess part of why I ask some of these questions is that every time I see a story about homosexuals and trans people and the evil queer folk, or someone being bashed, murdered, some kid committing suicide, (this list is potentially endless) or if I just think about the history and I think about the suicide rates among gay teens... I sometimes break down and cry for hours at a time because I cannot comprehend how so much of the world can be like this(kill the gays bill in Uganda?) and... I don't know. How do you get by without breaking down emotionally?

Also... I kind of wish I had more gay friends and I just wondered who would be OK with me PMing them... I mean not to talk about anything specific but... just to correspond occasionally if we can find something to talk about?

I'd better end this here... I think.


I am a fairly dispassionate person. Some of it comes from my professional training (doctors and lawyers are supposed to help people in trouble, not get caught up in their troubles). Some of it probably comes from my AS. Some of it comes from the emotional environment in which I grew up. (We're British--we run the emotional gamut from A to B.)

That's not to say that I don't get angry--but I think that part of my approach to anger or frustration is to find something to do about it. Get talking; spread the word. The more that people say that this kinds of attitudes and behaviours are unacceptable, the sooner that people who hold these attitudes and behaviours will be forced to confront their prejudices.


_________________
--James