Feeling confused :(

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Ok, so I'm self-diagnosed. I'll have my professional assessment on 10th January. I am, however, a little afraid that I'm "not autistic enough" to get the AS diagnosis. I'm not even sure if I really have it.

Well, sometimes I AM absolutely sure. But on good days, I'll be really doubtful. I can function almost normally. Sometimes I think I'm just a little socially awkward and hypersensitive, and that my symptoms are not bad enough to call myself an Aspie. I do however score well in the AS range in all online tests, and I definately always felt different than other people. So I feel "in between" a lot of the time: not normal enough to be a NT, not autistic enough to be an Aspie.

As I mentioned, there are bad days which absolutely convince me that I must have Aspergers. I have a lot of the symptoms, but I can often suppress them so I'll still look pretty normal to everybody else. Where other people have a meltdown, I just shut down and draw back into myself. I don't stim a lot and when I do it's pretty much just fidgeting with my fingers, so it's not very obvious.

Do you think this could lead to a misdiagnosis? And do you know this confusion about whether or not you actually have it?

I had exactly the same. I just thought I had social anxiety. Like everybody told me. After all I was autistic. I think since it's a professional diagnosis it can't be wrong.

I think lots of aspies learn to compensate. That doesn't mean you aren't an aspie. It just means you learned to compensate. It's one reason I will never drop my daughter's diagnosis. She may be doing remarkably well, but her wiring is the same, even though she has learned workarounds to deal with it. To drop her diagnosis, IMHO, would be to pretend that she is starting on the same playing field as an NT and she simply isn't, no matter how "typical" she may look at times. She will always have to "work" to come off as NT, whereas an NT doesn't have to do anything at all to come off as an NT.

Is it possible you are a "shadow"? That's kind of how I see myself. I definitely have traits, but I don't think they are severe enough to warrant a diagnosis. Understanding that I am on the outside edges of the spectrum has helped me, though. So even if I would never qualify for a diagnosis, I feel my life is better for knowing about autism and I still feel like I "fit" (for the most part) in forums like this. I don't feel the need to be so self-conscious for one thing, and for that reason alone, I am glad to have met people on the spectrum. Nice to be able to "let your guard down" and not have to worry about being the weird one in the room. We're all weird.

I like it.

Sadly professionals can and do misdiagnose all the time. Psychology and psychiatry can be very subjective and are dependent on the skills and experience of the clinician in question. They are only human.

I'm not saying anything regarding you or OP, just in general that your statement is incorrect.

I think many, many people on here have felt very close to how you feel now...I know I did before my assessment last week. I think the absolute best thing you can do is show up to your assessment and try your best to be completely yourself...not who you think the psychologist(s) expects you to be, not who you've grown to assume social situations expect you to be, but who you truly are when you're completely alone. If you're able to do that, I think you'll get a very accurate diagnosis which might still go either way. Anyway, I can completely relate as far as having certain days where you're utterly confident that you're on the spectrum and others where you doubt the reason for an assessment at all. I mean, shoot, I was assessed and I still wouldn't even bet a penny that I will or will not be diagnosed with something because I'm still terrifically confused.

Eh, you shouldn't worry so much for a diagnosis. Even if you won't be diagnosed with it, or if you don't actually have it, your problems will remain the same, so why worring so much about it?

Do your AS (or AS-like) traits negatively impact your life and make social situations or everyday life difficult for you? Simply put, if the symptoms give you challenges and difficulties an NT person doesn't have (whether or not you develop strategies to compensate for them), you probably qualify for a diagnosis. If you exhibit some symptoms but they don't really negatively impact your life, you probably don't, because there is no problem to be resolved. A diagnosis is to determine whether there is a problem which you need help with.

You seem worried about it, which suggests you are invested in a particular outcome. It may help to ask yourself why that is. I'm not saying it's good or bad, just ask yourself the question - why do you want to be diagnosed? So you can better explain yourself to others? So you can get appropriate help? If it is important to you, there must be a reason for that, and identifying the reason may help you place less importance on whether you are diagnosed or not.

I think you should stop worrying about it. Just be honest at your appointment, bring up any problems your AS symptoms cause you and let the outcome be what it is.