Setting and keeping boundaries

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I'm interested in hearing from the more 'social' members of WP about experiences dealing with situations where you tell someone "I won't do X if you don't do Z", or "I need N level of commitment from you in order for me to QRS", and the other party complies for that day, then a day or so passes without either party addressing what has been proposed, then the next time the subject comes about, the other party only lives up to about half of what the deal was.

I've become accustomed to not being so black-and-white with face-value words and can tolerate a degree of 'flakiness' for lack of a better description, though when dealing with some people's patterns it becomes imperative to draw a line somewhere. I used to cut them off at the first indication of ignoring me but I can't help think if maybe I've become too people-pleasing to the point of giving undeserved extra chances?

Have you explored empatic language or giraffe language?

I am really not good at this and do not really have any advice. I have read a little about the above subjects and some of it is ridiculous but some of it is ok. You have to sort through it to find what you can use.

I struggle with this, too - so, I just want to say thank you for asking this question and I will watch for replies along with you.

Don't avoid addressing it. If you're to do it like NTs do, bring it up but pad it with a joke.

I have an extreme aversion to being used, and you must remember that we tend to be used, in society, overall, so we have to remain on our toes.

I find that the way to enforce my boundaries is to prove to people that I mean what I say with my actions. If I say that I'm not going to my parents house for Christmas, and my mother throws a manipulative whining temper tantrum, and starts having other family members call me to tell me how inconsiderate they think I'm being - I tell them that they're entitled to their opinions and do exactly what I said I was going to do. This sends a very clear message, especially when the next time Christmas rolls around and I again decide that I would rather not subject myself to their headaches. It's amazing how quickly people can learn to behave (some people), when they see that maturity is the only thing that brings them the results that they are looking for.

Over time, standing my ground has brought people to respect me and my decisions, instead of viewing me as a pawn that they can push all over their game board however they please.

Somehow, my extended family got the idea in their mind that they could demand to see my son, and we would drive him halfway across the state for an extended weekend visit. I put my foot down and told them that he could only visit when the timing is good for US also. They did not like this, and resorted to posting manipulative messages all over the internet like children. SO, I didn't let him visit for 6 months, and now they're very nice, pleasant and civil about our visits. They got the message loud and clear that they are not entitled to control my actions when I demonstrated to them that my boundaries ARE boundaries.

Also, keep in mind that some people try to push boundaries and control other peoples actions with money. I've had people try to use money and gifts with strings attached to get me to do what they want. They would say "you're being very inconsiderate, after all, I did just buy your son an expensive gift, the least you could do is grant me blah blah blah". They try to heap on the guilt so that I feel I have no choice in the matter, when I didn't ask for money or gifts in the first place! NOW I just thank them for the gift, remind them that they chose to give it, and go about my business.

Whenever I sense that someone is trying to control my actions, I immediately send them the message that they cannot, by not doing what they are trying to manipulate me into doing. Don't get me wrong, I go out of my way to be nice and considerate to people all the time, when their intentions with me are right, and I am doing it from my heart.

Some of the people in my life weren't able to accept my boundaries, so I no longer have any thing to do with them. Those who were (even if they accepted them while kicking and screaming) now share happy and healthy relationships with me and my family.

I should also note that I very rarely raise my voice or have any kind of a back and forth argument regarding boundaries. I simply state what the boundary is, remind people of it when necessary, and simply watch people behave like toddlers and make complete fools of themselves when they don't like it. Occasionally a mature person comes along who simply accepts and respects the boundary. Those are the people who I know I want to spend my time with!

Oh, I can't forget patterns of being used. As far as jokingly addressing it, that would be a good strategy; in an ongoing situation I tend to wait until the other party wants something from me and express my doubts that I'll be able to accommodate their wish in a backhand threat ("I didn't get paid so I don't know if I have enough gas to come help you tomorrow"). It's usually money or lending/borrowing items that produce this kind of anxiety, so the temptation to avoid is even greater

In my personal case, whenever I set boundaries I get dumped. By family too. So nowadays I don't even bother communicating what I will or will not take, i.e. my boundaries. I just dump the person before they dump me. There's something in the way I behave with people from the start that makes them feel that I owe them anything they want and that if I don't give it, then I'm behaving unacceptably and must be cut off from them.

In the example of another poster above, if I had told my parents or siblings that my son would visit when it was suitable for me too, they would've just severed all contact with me and bribed my son to disobey me and visit them. You can be assertive only if the person cares about not losing you. I was never important enough to anyone for them to respect my boundaries for fear of losing me.

Even after I dump a person for treating me like a doormat, they find someone that has power over me, convince them to coerce me to continue being a doormat for the dumpee. This is why I prefer it this way, having no friends and no contact with family or anyone important in my life - this way no one can coerce me to be a doormat for a third party.

I once had a friend who severed contact with me, then years later suddenly showed up demanding a huge favor. When I wouldn't do it, she threatened to tell my aunt and set my aunt against me.

I do realize this isn't helpful for the OP, but it's my reality and I just wanted to share.