Dominance and submission

Post Reply New Topic

Everywhere I look, it seems like no one is interested in close company unless one person plays the submissive and the other person plays the dominant. Judging from what I've encountered, the "dominant/submissive" arrangement (and I don't mean BDSM) is the standard that others hold when they're looking for a relationship, and the fact that I don't accept this standard is the reason why no one seems to be interested in dating me or getting into a relationship with me. I'm having a hard time coping with it and I was hoping that someone would be willing to share their thoughts on things.

On a related note, I have a very weak sex drive. And I think it separates me from a lot of people. Meh. I wanted to post this tonight before I went to bed but I didn't write enough. I'll post again in this thread later.

Well, this is kinda true for me I guess. Was even in a real BDSM-relationship once, but ended up hurting both myself and my partner so....I tend to be much more careful now.

I'm quite confortable with for instance the woman taking the more dominant role. I kinda always seek permission anyway so...it just feels natural I guess. But if she can't, I just have to take on that role myself.

The alternative is pure angst for me...both of us sitting there, wondering what we're supposed to do ^^

Well I'm very naturally submissive by nature. If I like someone and they make me feel safe and comfortable I'm going to be submissive to them, both in and out of BDSM contexts. I can sort of "play-act" a dominant role when the other person asks me to though.

Oftentimes it's just how things naturally progress. Like with dancing, one person takes the lead.

I can understand not being comfortable having your own role defined. There are a lot of people who are flexible in regards to the role they play in a relationship. The complete eradication of these roles might be a little trickier but certainly not impossible.

Rorberyllium:

I must say I don't really believe in "the eradication of roles", gender or otherwise

I don't agree with gender roles, but they will probably always exist in some form or another. With regards to relationship roles, I was referring to something the OP had said. I got the impression that they weren't comfortable taking on any role whatsoever. I haven't really thought of how this could work. I've seen relationships that didn't have a clear dominant/submissive, and everything is just kind of divided in whatever way they're most comfortable with. But to not have any role at all, is that even a relationship?

My point exactlit

And even "having no role" becomes a kind of "forced role" IMHO...you force yourself into being someone you're not.

Not to mention that if relationship/gender roles somehow "were" eradicated, people would rapidly come up with new ones, ones possibly "more" limited and opressive than the ones we already have.

Also that's why anarchy wouldn't work

But I think I'm going OT here....

Here's my theory:

Dom=Masculine
Sub=Feminine

So the one being dominant is male, the submissive is female (if only in role, their physical sex is not required )

But.. on the other side of the coin, the one being dominant gets a certain kind of fear from their inner woman as well which is a thrill.

Yes, but why do we need a dominant role and a submissive role? Why can't it be a relationship if one person and another person take turns doing what they want to do, or if both are submissive and enjoy each other's company?

Why, in order for it to be relationship, must one side control the other?

Well, it's not necessary for one to be submissive and the other dominant, but many people are submissive or dominant, so it's natural for them to pair up.


@davebehave: There's lots of variation no doubt, but I must admit in my case your right, as sexually I like a feminine, submissive bottom role.

Two subs will always find the latent Dom.

Seems we have an awful lot in common! I just saw this after I posted a new thread very similar to this one. I agree with you, these 'roles' confuse me completely. My own relationships have strangely followed similar paths. I hold a similar view to you, I've always believed and strived for equality in all aspects of my relationships and I believed that's what my partners wanted as well. I don't wish to dominate the person I love, nor do I wish to be dominated. I don't accept this standard either and I find it to be quite destructive and demeaning at times with a nasty adversarial element. As you've observed in your own life, I too have ended up being expected (but not asked) to accept these types of roles as a normal condition of my relationship, no negotiation, accept it or leave. I don't react well to 'conditions' like that. I don't do it on purpose and I always begin any relationship with intentions of achieving a level of complete equality, total trust, openness and honesty based on mutual respect of body and mind. I believe without that, fear and doubt have room to fester and by then your relationship is already lost.
I've taken on both dominant and submissive roles (both roles at different times with one partner after circumstances changed), though I still don't understand how or why and I wasn't even aware of it until I was neck deep in it. You definitely are not the only one having trouble with this issue.
I'll make it as simple as I can. If my partner tries to dominate me, I feel very real fear. Relationship over - that simple. If I fear my partner, I'll never be able to trust them. So there's no way I'd ever want to dominate my partner for the exact same reason reversed.
To me it's the quintessential killer of an open, honest, trusting relationship. How can you love and respect a person you fear?
And to be clear, I'm talking about the male/female, dominant/submissive relationship roles, not the BDSM role playing games.
I'll also admit my sexual appetite is less than it should be, for various reasons. But for the sake of a partner who I know would like more, I am more than willing and capable to get help with that successfully.
I do wonder how many others there are out there who think like this too!

I'm a very, very dominant person. But sometimes I like to shake it up a little. Pain can be pretty fun too.

hey I'm not sayin' there's anything at all wrong with a bit of fun! Been there, done that, even got the membership. Kinda outgrew the 'pleasure and pain' scene in my 20's but it could probably do with a revival in my bedroom!

I can relate to you a lot. I'm a lesbian and I'm more interested in love and friendship and to me, sex is more an expression of love than the point of a relationship. When I had tried to date online (back when I was interested in doing so about a year or two ago), I encountered many people who were some combination of the following: only interested in sex with no desire for any connection or commitment at all, interested in dominating me, or interested in having me dominate them. None of this appealed to me at all whatsoever. It's just my personal taste, but it seemed contrived and meaningless and not the loving, respectful, gentle relationship I really desired. Now, despite the fact that was most of what I experienced online, I still don't think those are all the people who are out there. In fact, I just think that these individuals are more likely to be found online. This is because -- at least out where I am -- though there may be the occasional LGBT bar or night at a bar, there aren't any BDSM clubs anywhere. Being online helps to connect people who otherwise would never meet so groups that have no venues to meet at are very likely to be online. Or, in the case of those I found to be only interested in sex, it gives them access to a larger volume of people to suit their stronger sexual motivations. Everyone is interested in different things and as long as no one is getting hurt (who doesn't want to be), there's nothing wrong with it...it does, however, feel quite empty and lonely when you're looking for something that others don't seem to be interested in. Though I can't claim to have found any answer as of yet (as I seem to be in a similar boat as you), I do know others out there like each of us exist, we're not alone and we will find them...there just may be fewer of us so it may take a bit more time, but patience does pay off. You never know when you'll meet the perfect person for you. So keep your hopes up and I'll try to do the same.

I completely relate to you on this. To me, love and power cannot coexist. When there's power, there's a chance for someone to be disempowered and that leads to someone being disrespected -- which is not acceptable to me at all. I had a relationship where my partner tried to create a power differential and, instead of participating in that unhealthiness, I refused to be any part of it. I was worried that it had something to do with some past abuse she had been through and was worried that either of us having even the slightest bit of power over the other (in any way) could bring up those issues and seriously hurt her. She had such a difficulty being able to tolerate a non-power relationship that I personally believe this, in part, contributed to the ending of our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have changed my decision at all and do not wish to go back to her at all because it was otherwise an unhealthy relationship. The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes -- for whatever reason -- people need that power differential. I don't know why -- it could be comfortable, it could be all they know, it could be something completely different. It just seems like some people need that. Not everyone, though. I certainly don't need it or want it.



I also completely relate on this too. If anyone were to try to dominate me, it would just close and lock a door somewhere inside me that would then refuse to ever open for that person again. I think it's the look in someone's eyes, too. Sometimes people will get this look like they're enjoying your helplessness...there is no greater turn-off for me than that!

Don't know if I should do this as I really don't have any personal experience to draw from, but I figure I'd like to put in my two cents. Of course my experience may also differ because I'm a straight, submissive male, and straight, dominant females seem to be rare, so I'm not seeing D/s everywhere myself.

I don't think a D/s is necessarily unhealthy, but it certainly isn't for everyone, like just about everything else in life. It's not fair to put everyone in the same basket.. I think it varies between each specific couple to at least some degree. You'll always have people looking for casual sex no matter whether you're into BDSM or vanilla or whatever else, so that's not really something exclusive. Personally I would not want to have sex with just anyone. I don't think these types of relationships are so much dependent on power than they are about trust - I know there are some who don't go by that, but they don't speak for everyone.

Then there are those who choose to take things outside of the bedroom. Seems a little odd to me, depending on how far it is taken, but who am I to judge? They have free will. For me, I view it as something that would just be fun or a game, like roleplaying, and not much more than that. If I were to be in a relationship with someone, I'd strive for equality.