Good with non-verbal cues from other people,not so good at..

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Joe90
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30 Nov 2012, 1:06 pm

...doing it myself.

I've found I am good with recognising non-verbal cues from other people (from instinct), but I'm not so good with giving off correct non-verbal cues myself. Because I have social anxiety, I kind of stand there looking awkward and ready to ''take flight'', when I'm only trying to think of what to say to start up another conversation. This sometimes agitates other people, and I have to explain that I'm not going anywhere or waiting for anything. Some people even ask if I'm waiting for them to move out of my way, and I have to say that I'm not at all.

I'm also no good with joking around with other people. I can tell when somebody else is joking with me by their tone of voice and everything, but I can't do it with other people. This doesn't mean I have no sense of humour. I'm just afraid other people might take my jokes seriously (even if I laugh as I say it in a warm way), and also I'm not very good with responding to jokes, I only laugh. I know laughing is not a wrong response, but it'd be nice to give verbal feedback.

Yesterday at work I was with worker 1, and worker 2 walked into the room. Worker 1 said hello to him, but worker 2 went over and slapped worker 1 on the arm in a playful way. Worker 1 made an angry face but in a joking way, she frowned but grinned, and sort of slapped him back and they both laughed (see how much I can recognise facial expression? I am good with it). But if I went upto a worker, even if I was good friends with them, and slapped them in a playful way, I'll be afraid they might take it seriously or it might sort of feel too random or something.

Wish I could know how to joke properly with other people. I feel that this is what a lot of people do with their acquaintances, and I feel I am missing out and being too shy and boring. Anyone else feel like this?


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dyingofpoetry
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30 Nov 2012, 1:47 pm

I am the same.

I'm pretty good at picking up non-verbal cues from others. In fact, I ace self-tests on this, but other people get almost no non-verbal cues from me. When people do get them, I find out that what I thought I was expressing was completely different than what others are understanding. People think I am joking when I am serious and vise versa; people think I'm happy when I'm sad, etc.... Basically I've learned to exaggerate my facial expressions and gestures, but then I end up looking insincere or overly-dramatic.


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Tyri0n
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30 Nov 2012, 7:17 pm

Joe90 wrote:
...doing it myself.

I've found I am good with recognising non-verbal cues from other people (from instinct), but I'm not so good with giving off correct non-verbal cues myself. Because I have social anxiety, I kind of stand there looking awkward and ready to ''take flight'', when I'm only trying to think of what to say to start up another conversation. This sometimes agitates other people, and I have to explain that I'm not going anywhere or waiting for anything. Some people even ask if I'm waiting for them to move out of my way, and I have to say that I'm not at all.

I'm also no good with joking around with other people. I can tell when somebody else is joking with me by their tone of voice and everything, but I can't do it with other people. This doesn't mean I have no sense of humour. I'm just afraid other people might take my jokes seriously (even if I laugh as I say it in a warm way), and also I'm not very good with responding to jokes, I only laugh. I know laughing is not a wrong response, but it'd be nice to give verbal feedback.

Yesterday at work I was with worker 1, and worker 2 walked into the room. Worker 1 said hello to him, but worker 2 went over and slapped worker 1 on the arm in a playful way. Worker 1 made an angry face but in a joking way, she frowned but grinned, and sort of slapped him back and they both laughed (see how much I can recognise facial expression? I am good with it). But if I went upto a worker, even if I was good friends with them, and slapped them in a playful way, I'll be afraid they might take it seriously or it might sort of feel too random or something.

Wish I could know how to joke properly with other people. I feel that this is what a lot of people do with their acquaintances, and I feel I am missing out and being too shy and boring. Anyone else feel like this?


It very well might be. I have a rule to never make physical contact unless the other person has done it first.

I think you're like me and think you can pick up the basics but miss out on finer or higher-order nonverbal cues. So you know enough to generally know what's going on, but not enough to do it yourself. And you don't know as much as you think you do.

It's kind of like learning a language. You get to the point where you think you can understand a good portion of what other people say, but you're actually missing quite a bit. While you get the basics passively, your "performance" will lag significantly. Which means you really aren't fluent, or even proficient.

Also, NTs can make a connection in ways that we can't, so she probably just "knows" it's ok in a way that you can't.

But you're doing really really well, so keep it up!! A lot of aspies --as well as stupid lazy NT's with bad social skills who say they have AS, of which our culture has many -- are not nearly as sensitive to other people as you are.

I think we are so much alike that it's almost scary, especially about the social anxiety thing. It's actually a good thing because it means you are aware and have hope.



belladaisy
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30 Nov 2012, 10:19 pm

I find that a lot of the time I'll know when someone's joking or being sarcastic. But I don't know how to convey that I know, if that makes sense. Someone will say something in a joking way, I'll respond and then they have to explain that they were only joking. Even though I knew they were only joking. I'm not quite sure how to avoid this.