do you communicate every day?

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leozelig
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03 Dec 2012, 6:54 pm

Hello, I'm back. I'm curious to know about aspies who are in adult relationships. I'm not even sure if this has anything to do with asperger's. I'm struggling with feelings of suffocation by women I'm trying to get to know, who call and text me throughout the day. It really is a burden and bothersome as I find it unnecessary to check-in and update other people- all day long. Is this common with most people?
I have not been in a relationship in about five years, and was dumped because my ex thought I was selfish. I have been in casual relationships since then, which didn't get very far. I am starting to lose hope that I will be able to be in a relationship again, and am starting to not really want one if this is what I have to put up with. Am I the only woman who is satisfied with talking only once or twice a week? Does this have anything to do with asperger's or is this just self-absorption on my part? I really like quiet time! Am I being unreasonable? Am I destined to only casual dating for the rest of my life???



JanuaryMan
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03 Dec 2012, 9:09 pm

I communicate once or twice a day when in a proper relationship. Usually by phone and 1 message to ask how their day was or to say when I miss them or to remind them of something or send a joke whatever :p
I avoid checking up on my GF however I've yet to have a GF that doesn't text me all the time.. maybe I give off this vibe that I'm seeing someone else LOL when really it's just my AS and me feeling awkward saying intimate things.

BTW your request is not unreasonable at all. A lot of healthy relationships out there where the couples only see each other on the weekends or one period a week and they only drop the odd message every couple of days or speak to each other to arrange things. I think the request itself is fairly normal but Asperger's can trigger someone to do it to extremes or exaggerate an otherwise innocent scenario where a person texts "I love you x" one time in the day and no other message for the Aspie simply to go "yeah k" or "gawsh ur crowding me!"..the opposite can be said too. Sometimes if the Aspie is obsessed by the idea of their relationship it might be them that is the overbearing one and they send not one message but say 30-40 a day (like my ex..) LOL.



Mindslave
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03 Dec 2012, 9:48 pm

That's not too unreasonable. I like my quiet time as well, and that also makes it difficult for me to be in a relationship.



MariaMosum
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03 Dec 2012, 10:15 pm

Open communication is very important in a certain relationship.



leozelig
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03 Dec 2012, 10:31 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
I communicate once or twice a day when in a proper relationship. Usually by phone and 1 message to ask how their day was or to say when I miss them or to remind them of something or send a joke whatever :p
I avoid checking up on my GF however I've yet to have a GF that doesn't text me all the time.. maybe I give off this vibe that I'm seeing someone else LOL when really it's just my AS and me feeling awkward saying intimate things.

BTW your request is not unreasonable at all. A lot of healthy relationships out there where the couples only see each other on the weekends or one period a week and they only drop the odd message every couple of days or speak to each other to arrange things. I think the request itself is fairly normal but Asperger's can trigger someone to do it to extremes or exaggerate an otherwise innocent scenario where a person texts "I love you x" one time in the day and no other message for the Aspie simply to go "yeah k" or "gawsh ur crowding me!"..the opposite can be said too. Sometimes if the Aspie is obsessed by the idea of their relationship it might be them that is the overbearing one and they send not one message but say 30-40 a day (like my ex..) LOL.

I can relate to being the overbearing one. I was more like that when I had boyfriends as a teenager. it's funny how the tables have turned and now I'm the one feeling that way. I totally relate to not responding to romantic texts, LOL.... this should be interesting.

Thanks for answering, I'm almost starting to forget what it was like!



leozelig
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03 Dec 2012, 10:33 pm

Mindslave wrote:
That's not too unreasonable. I like my quiet time as well, and that also makes it difficult for me to be in a relationship.
I completely understand. I'm beginning to wonder if this is also why I'm still single. Quiet time is more important.



leozelig
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03 Dec 2012, 10:35 pm

MariaMosum wrote:
Open communication is very important in a certain relationship.
I agree, I've been finding this out the hard way.



aspiesandra27
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04 Dec 2012, 12:15 am

Me time is number one. I think once a week could work, but not certain. Maybe once every fortnight would be ideal. An email here and there,,,



ntgrl
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04 Dec 2012, 9:51 pm

I think this is a common problem between Aspies and NTs. The type of relationship that you are suggesting, talking once a week, is a casual relationship to most NTs.

Maybe in the very beginning that would be fine, but more would be expected and probably rather quickly.

Communicating feelings is also something that is expected once the relationship progresses.

Without these things the NT will most likely feel rather bored and unsatisfied with the relationship and push for more or move on to someone else who wants the same things as they do.

I have communicated with other NTs in relationships with Aspies. Often these people feel very lonely and disconnected from their partner. Often they feel like they are not even in a relationship, even those who are married.

I am not saying that what you are suggesting is wrong in any way, this is really just a compatibility issue. Then again if you are not dating an NT, this may not be a problem. It will not be a problem for some NTs too of course, but I think that these are the people who only want a casual relationship.



anneurysm
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05 Dec 2012, 12:03 am

leozelig wrote:
MariaMosum wrote:
Open communication is very important in a certain relationship.
I agree, I've been finding this out the hard way.


Open communication also includes accepting and communicating each other's needs and preferences. Having someone call and text you all the time is just not going to work for you, even if you're a perfect match. It's good to be firm about your need for space if someone is intruding too much...and make sure when you explain this, say that it's not about the other person, but it's what you need in order to have a healthy relationship where you aren't stressed.


_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term psychiatrists - that I am a highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder

My diagnoses - anxiety disorder, depression and traits of obsessive-compulsive disorder (all in remission).

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


ntgrl
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05 Dec 2012, 5:51 am

How much time a couple will spend together and how often they will communicate is one of the most important parts of a relationship. It is definitely best to discuss these things before either person gets attached, so that a decision can be made in a non emotional way as to whether or not the relationship will meet both partner's needs.

Leozelig is the problem just with the texting/calling or do you also not want to spend time together more than once a week? If it is just with the texting/calling then that is probably not as big of an issue.

Most NTs don't know very much about Asperger's Syndrome, it took me a very long time to grasp how much alone time some aspies need. What may feel very natural to an aspie will often times feel very foreign to a NT.

The OP is asking if she is destined to casual dating, my first thought was that her definition of what she wanted sounds exactly like what my definition of casual dating would be, (if the definition also includes seeing each other once a week or so). I am not saying it is impossible to find someone who wants the same thing, just that if the person she is dating is an NT that they most likely will not want that kind of relationship.

Leozelig I do think that you should discuss your needs with the woman that you are trying to get to know if you have not all ready. What she needs/wants in a relationship is most likely different from what you want and it is best to get this out in the open before she develops stronger feelings for you. It may be possible to reach a compromise, but since she wants so much contact throughout the day, I suspect that it will not be.



BrokenEnvoke
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05 Dec 2012, 5:54 am

I'd want to communicate at least 3 times a week~
Even a simple "good night" would feel enough.

Otherwise I would start to feel if she's becoming uninterested and that feel ain't gonna go away~