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Kalinda
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12 Dec 2012, 6:49 pm

Well it IS personal, be warned. So I don't get it. I don't seem like other schizophrenics, at all. I'm just not sure, I'm really really unsure. Either I overcame schizophrenia...maybe I did.
But now they are calling it Bipolar Disorder, but you see I don't have months of mood highs or lows, I rarely feel much more than bright elation or dull boredom. I intuit that I don't feel the same types of emotions as people with mood disorders, because I don't have mood swings.
I think the only time I ever experienced a mood swing was when I took a bunch of diet pills recently, and I was so overwhelmed by the caffeine I burst out crying because I couldn't focus.
The things that have worked the most for me, often were countering the system itself meant to help me. I had to overcome the degrading label, stigmatizing treatment, bs conjectures that people threw at me just because I was there etc.

Breaking down failing patterns. Creating new social structures. Adapting. Complying. Etc.
I'm a survivalist, I love being smart and at the best.

IDK what my point is. Just that, I want accuracy and I can't help it. I don't have Borderline, wtf is that anyways? I don't know if Bipolar is accurate, honestly, being that what's the point of calling it that if you rarely feel emotions at all anyways? I don't have normal moods, for sure, people think it's flat affect or being a sociopath..... My therapist gave me a test and I scored about 35-38 for Aspergers. I've never gotten NOT Aspergers on a test, lol.

My childhood definitely depicts Autism with a dysfunctional household. My parents divorced, my mom does have manic depression. But I don't think I inherited it, I think they're causing it.
And I'm starting to feel really angry, frustrated, because i can't convey to them...because I've brought it up again and again, my therapist specializes in kids with Autism yet she fails to see it in me. It's my history...that's the huge problem! There were so many mistakes and I remember them all, because I am brilliant and I was a child genius. I was talking at 6 months. I took the SAT before age thirteen. I know what words mean because they pop into my head.

So why am I "sick"


_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


Last edited by Kalinda on 13 Dec 2012, 3:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kalinda
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12 Dec 2012, 6:58 pm

I'm honestly just trying to figure out what's going on, what's actually wrong with my head lol.


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Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


2wheels4ever
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12 Dec 2012, 9:03 pm

I had a grandfather who grew up under a bipolar single mother, joined the Marines and had a nervous breakdown-the Marines accused him of faking. Before I was even born he was in and out of state hospitals and undergoing ECT therapy. My experiences of him was that he was a little eccentric, today I see neon signs pointing to Aspiedom in his behaviors. He definitely had his routines, could paint and draft blindfolded; he worked at several aerospace companies, only 1 of them long-term that I recollect. Where I'm going with all this is that all the time I knew of when he was alive he had a Dx of Schizophrenia but I believe he was grossly misdiagnosed as well. Nothing I recall of him ever gave the impression of Schiz. and his depression episodes were well-known within the family, I never observed any manic episodes that would qualify a bipolar Dx either, he most definitely had to be on the spectrum. Don't know if this helps but hopefully shows OP is not alone in this


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idratherbeatree
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12 Dec 2012, 9:28 pm

Look up MCDD.


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muff
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12 Dec 2012, 10:11 pm

i may be misunderstanding, you say that you had a 'nervous breakdown.' did that breakdown include a split from reality?



Kalinda
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13 Dec 2012, 3:33 pm

I'm sorry guys. I've been all over the place. To the last two comments. Just looked up MCDD, and from my POV, that would be useless to even suggest to my doctors plus they'd be like no way. My therapist actually said she doesn't think it's as bad as borderline. Luckily I'm seeing her tomorrow morning and I can talk about other the real issue.

Ok, so I started this medication called Vyvanse. The doctor just increased it to 30 mgs, I'd think it'd be no big deal. I'm not psychotic or hallucinating, etc. which is why they are pretty sure if I don't get psychotic on stimulants but manic, etc. well it's Bipolar. And I'm noticing at a certain time every other night that I've taken Vvyanse, I get manic. I don't want to sleep, I want to rant on forums, lol. I want to figure everything out.

I do have Bipolar, not schizophrenia. Almost 100 percent sure now after realizing Bipolar doesnt mean your mood shifts up and down, or in my case it's my energy that shifts up and down. I took a couple tests that suggest more or less, Bipolar that's not extreme in the mood spectrum but I do take a mood stabilizer/anti-psychotic. It works really really well.

The only problem was that the anti-psychotic while deff getting rid of mania, I sitll have so many moments of wanting to give up....

So like, I think it's kinda like...Abilify helped with the mania, but I can have depressive mania? If that makes sense? Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but it's when I'm always down and never up on Abilify...it supposedly can help depression to some degree. I find myself obsessing anyways even on abilify, but I can't fully express the thoughts or carry them out, so it starts building up...but on the Vyvanse I was able to confront the thoughts and mania, and it resolved a lot of issues.

Yet it keeps making me paranoid and manic at night. It's increasing my intelligence to some degree, at least visually. I feel like I was when I was a kid, like I can visualize things and recall things so much better and my therapist was really happy about that...

But the anger and blame, etc. like you can see in my post is a drastic shift that has been accompanying the Vyvanse subtly and more obvious now that it was increased...

One of my friends said not to take Vyvanse he has schizoaffective. My brother told me to chill and to probably stop taking it. My dad was relieved when I told him I was not going to take it the week he's in Thailand.

I don't have a car and my friends and I don't talk anymore because they're bad for me, and drug abusers in a nutshell. I don't have anyone to talk to right now about this that's why I've been on the forums lately.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


Kalinda
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13 Dec 2012, 3:39 pm

Oh yeah BTW, I kept taking it because of withdrawal. I woke up today and I had tears in my eyes, it's making me depressed more than I was before I ever took it...if I don't take it...

Uuuuuuuugh. I cant win. Like, someone told me Vyvanse can cause Organic Psychosis that mirrors regular Psychosis so they can't tell the difference until you've been off the Vvyanse for a long period of time. Another reason I shouldn't take it. Anti-depressants make me manic, most stimulants do to but Vyvanse not noticeably so. It seemed ok at first.

But the first time I took it, I started drinking alcohol because it made me able to drunk and enjoy it. So I quit drinking altogether. But....I want to take the Vyvanse!! ! I've never felt more motivated and in control. I just cant. Didn't take it today anyways.

Sorry for the rant. I think I have Aspergers but it's so mild, what'd be the point in labeling. I feel bad for all the people who were proud of their coping resources with AS that the DSM's like...oh it's not a real issue. Wtf man?


_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


Kalinda
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13 Dec 2012, 3:48 pm

2wheels4ever wrote:
I had a grandfather who grew up under a bipolar single mother, joined the Marines and had a nervous breakdown-the Marines accused him of faking. Before I was even born he was in and out of state hospitals and undergoing ECT therapy. My experiences of him was that he was a little eccentric, today I see neon signs pointing to Aspiedom in his behaviors. He definitely had his routines, could paint and draft blindfolded; he worked at several aerospace companies, only 1 of them long-term that I recollect. Where I'm going with all this is that all the time I knew of when he was alive he had a Dx of Schizophrenia but I believe he was grossly misdiagnosed as well. Nothing I recall of him ever gave the impression of Schiz. and his depression episodes were well-known within the family, I never observed any manic episodes that would qualify a bipolar Dx either, he most definitely had to be on the spectrum. Don't know if this helps but hopefully shows OP is not alone in this


Thanks for your supportive message. Well my mom is Bipolar, dad is not. Brother's doing well and has no signs of MI either. But I think Bipolar mania can evolve if not treated into psychosis that looks like its chronic. The difference is Bipolar is probably treated easier, you can return to normal faster with coping resources.

Maybe your grandfather did have some Bipolar spectrum, but you're right if he was "lucid" when not in mania or depression, then it probably was not schizophrenia either.

I see John Nash and his son as more signs of schizophrenia. Also, in the past they labeled schizophrenia more often because it was the general label for anything that seemed severe and a lot of people were misdiagnosed based on behaviors. But they still are. It's the media's fascination with this label I think. With trying to understand, on the other hand they're stigmatizing people.

I think Jani the "born schizophrenic" seems more like she has severe Autism but that's just IMPO. Schizophrenia...the catch 22 is that if you have schizophrenia it's usually untreatable, or you don't ever return to normal. I returned to normal.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


Kalinda
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13 Dec 2012, 3:49 pm

muff wrote:
i may be misunderstanding, you say that you had a 'nervous breakdown.' did that breakdown include a split from reality?


It was a long time ago, I think they decided it was a mixed episode.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

"Almost always, the creative dedicated minority has made the world better." Martin Luther King, Jr.


Noetic
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13 Dec 2012, 4:05 pm

You certainly write like someone with rapid cycling bipolar/on a manic high.



muff
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14 Dec 2012, 7:06 pm

Noetic wrote:
You certainly write like someone with rapid cycling bipolar/on a manic high.


i agree with this statement.

i do not agree with the OPs therapist stating that one disorder is 'not as bad' as another disorder. is this how we diagnose people now? by giving them disorders that dont upset the patient when they hear that they have them?

mental disorders 'should be' viewed through the lens of functionality, which is why the dsm contains the gaf score. it doesnt sound as though you are getting strengths-based treatment. someone who is borderline and whose report of high daily functioning has validity is 'better' than someone who has bipolar disorder and has a horribly unmanaged life.



CharlesMonster
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15 Dec 2012, 8:28 am

Kalinda wrote:
Well it IS personal, be warned. So I don't get it. I don't seem like other schizophrenics, at all. I'm just not sure, I'm really really unsure. Either I overcame schizophrenia...maybe I did.
But now they are calling it Bipolar Disorder, but you see I don't have months of mood highs or lows, I rarely feel much more than bright elation or dull boredom. I intuit that I don't feel the same types of emotions as people with mood disorders, because I don't have mood swings.
I think the only time I ever experienced a mood swing was when I took a bunch of diet pills recently, and I was so overwhelmed by the caffeine I burst out crying because I couldn't focus.
The things that have worked the most for me, often were countering the system itself meant to help me. I had to overcome the degrading label, stigmatizing treatment, bs conjectures that people threw at me just because I was there etc.

Breaking down failing patterns. Creating new social structures. Adapting. Complying. Etc.
I'm a survivalist, I love being smart and at the best.

IDK what my point is. Just that, I want accuracy and I can't help it. I don't have Borderline, wtf is that anyways? I don't know if Bipolar is accurate, honestly, being that what's the point of calling it that if you rarely feel emotions at all anyways? I don't have normal moods, for sure, people think it's flat affect or being a sociopath..... My therapist gave me a test and I scored about 35-38 for Aspergers. I've never gotten NOT Aspergers on a test, lol.

My childhood definitely depicts Autism with a dysfunctional household. My parents divorced, my mom does have manic depression. But I don't think I inherited it, I think they're causing it.
And I'm starting to feel really angry, frustrated, because i can't convey to them...because I've brought it up again and again, my therapist specializes in kids with Autism yet she fails to see it in me. It's my history...that's the huge problem! There were so many mistakes and I remember them all, because I am brilliant and I was a child genius. I was talking at 6 months. I took the SAT before age thirteen. I know what words mean because they pop into my head.

So why am I "sick"


I think your self diagnosis may not be correct. You may not have Aspergers syndrome, you may be a psychopath or have psychopathic tendencies.

One of the tests for detecting psychopaths is a test that Aspies pass, and a misdiagnosis the other way can happen too.

Psychopaths aren't people you see in horror movies, so it's not as bad as it sounds.