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abhma13
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25 Dec 2012, 9:51 am

Hello all,
It's been a while since I've last posted here.
I am currently having problems with my father at the moment.
Forgive me if I'm using profanity; I'm rather angry at the moment. :)

Ever since I reached my Junior year in High School, he's been having a bit of a chip on his shoulder about me.
Since I don't live in US, but in Thailand as an Indian expatriate, one major thing we have disagreed upon is university.
Now my dad wants that I stay here for undergraduate studies (giving no exact clear reason), but when I said I don't want to, he reacted by taking this as a rather huge insult.

Now I asked him what is the great big deal if I don't want to study here and he reacted saying to me that "Oh, I am a conservative person. And staying in a country where your parents are are an asian thing, and you better follow it. If you don't do it here, that means you don't love me anymore."

Now I think this is one f*****g motherfucking douchebag who is so blinded by this "love" and f*****g "love" for me.
I think my dad is not as stable as he seems as he's been doing a lot of bad things which he feels he's doing the good thing. When I refused to study in Thailand, he phoned and told all of his business associates, my school teachers and his family members, and I wish I had a f*****g gun and f*****g jammed it in his f*****g mouth and shot him.

Everytime I intend to pursue a career, he gives me a 100 reasons why I shouldn't do it.
Why? Because he only wants what he wants. He's a man who only wants his way, and I wonder if he's this much of a c**t when it comes to disputes/opinion differences such as these.

I am currently deciding whether to cut ties with my father or not. Can anyone please give me any advice on how to deal with this mentally unstable man?



MountainLaurel
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25 Dec 2012, 2:07 pm

Quote:
I wish I had a f***ing gun and f***ing jammed it in his f***ing mouth and shot him.

Whoa. Isn't this an unstable reaction to the situation? Enough said.

Your father wanted one thing and you desired another. You made an adult decision and followed through, knowing that he would be disappointed. He expressed his displeasure to those around him, as is his right. (We can and often do express our strongest feelings.) You and your father are having hard feelings right now; but you knew that would be the case when you decided to leave.

Your father's desire for you to not leave the country has little or nothing to do with love. What he is calling love in this case is something else; it may be:

-That he's feeling abandoned and knows that he does not have the strength of character to rejoice in your independence as an adult; unable to put aside his desire for your company.

-He feels angry that you are not obedient to him. He feels a loss of power.

-He feels disrespected as a "wise" elder; that you did not heed his advise.

None of these reactions on his part are noble, but they are common, even here, in the US where there is strong cultural bias concerning individualism. (And of course he may be feeling something I've failed to list.)

Your father may have weakness and may be unlikely to overcome it. Why not simply accept him with his flaws and tailor your interactions with him accordingly. This would typically mean lowering your expectations of him.

I am not unfamiliar with this territory. My mother disappoints me because I still harbor my wish that she would live up to higher standards of wisdom in her choices and viewpoint. With the help of my siblings, who have more contact with her (because of geographical locations) I am learning to accept her with lowered expectations. She has good qualities, too. My mother and I maintain contact, though I still sometimes feel hurt and angry with her, I know that we're better off with some relationship as opposed to none.

My hurt and anger with her are my responsibility/problem because they result from my own inaccurate projections of who she can be.

In extreme cases, it may be healthy and wise to completely cut off from a family member (these cases often involve sociopathy). What you have written here does not seem to descend to that level, but you will be the judge of that.

None of this struggle with expectations of family members is easy or comfortable, but it often leads to a better outcome. And of course, if your father rejects you totally, he is responsible for that poor choice. In that case forgiving him gradually from afar would be most healthy for you.

I wish you success and peace.



Last edited by MountainLaurel on 25 Dec 2012, 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ASDMommyASDKid
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25 Dec 2012, 2:49 pm

First off, do you need your father's permission to go to school abroad? Do you have the financial means (financial aid etc.) to do this on your own? If so, then I would think the answer is fairly simple: You can do what you like. If not, you will have to persuade him.

As far as it not being traditional for Indians and other Asians to travel abroad, I live in the U.S, and have known many students from India and other Asian countries, so I obviously some parents are OK with it. You father may not want you to pick up Western habits or Western ways of looking at things, or may be afraid you will marry a non-Indian.

I apologize in advance for bringing this up, but remember the Parent Board has parents who have all manner of children, so I will need to ask this. Does your dad think because of your Asperger's that he does not think that you can take care of yourself or that you might be bullied or something. Again, this may not apply but I have to ask if you can take care of yourself. Can you cook, do laundry, schedule when to your school work yourself etc. Does he feel you might need his help?

The more information you give us, the better advice we can give. The replies today may be low because a lot of the parents here may be celebrating Christmas. So be patient for answers.



abhma13
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25 Dec 2012, 9:26 pm

Yes, I do know how to cook, manage things on my own, and yes I have all the skills necessary to live on my own.
Plus, my dad can afford a western education.



MountainLaurel
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25 Dec 2012, 10:03 pm

I misread your initial post, making the assumption that you were already studying abroad.

So, your problem is that he does not want to pay for you to get your education abroad. Look at this logically; since he does not want you to study abroad; he has no motivation to pay for that. Most likely, he will not pay for it.

If you are adamant that you want to study abroad, you will have to forge your own path.

My parents chose to not pay for my higher education. I did not hold that against them. It's my life, not theirs; I found my own way to higher education.



ASDMommyASDKid
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25 Dec 2012, 11:46 pm

Ok, if you need him to pay for it, then you will either have to get financial aid or convince him. If he can afford it, it may be hard to get financial aid because they usually figure in household income.

To convince him you will need to find out all his real reasons (sometimes people give fake reasons if they know their true reasons to be illogical) and argue your points convincing him.



0_equals_true
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26 Dec 2012, 3:27 am

Nothing to do with an Asian thing. Asians study abroad all the time.

Is this financial or attachment?



abhma13
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26 Dec 2012, 7:20 am

firstly, I am not being adamant.
I don't want to study in Thailand because of several reasons; The education is not well-developed, given the well abusive nature of my parents and the bad people that I've had to associate myself with, I want to start a new life outside because the more I stay the more hard it is.
And in any case, my father has a lot of friends who's children have stayed here for university and It clearly seems to me that he'd like me to stay here as well so as to look good in front of them.



abhma13
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26 Dec 2012, 7:25 am

And I know because I see it in my dad's eyes.
He always says to me to stay here because we can help mature you out.
Well, when I ask to help out with cooking and other things, my parents perpetually refuse and it only seems to me that my dad only wants to win friends and other people and enjoys giving me a hard time about it because he only cares only about himself and not me.

Infact, I wish that f*****g piece of b***h just killed himself.



MMJMOM
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26 Dec 2012, 10:23 am

you can et financial aid, student loans and pay for college yourself...as many of us did/do. THis way you can do whatever you want and wont have to rely on your father.


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MountainLaurel
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26 Dec 2012, 11:29 am

Abhma, I am not arguing that your father may very well be wrong headed about his stance on your university plans. I have acknowledged that his motivations may be selfish and I believe that you have very sound reasons to desire to be educated elsewhere.

All I am saying is that it is unlikely that he will relent and support you in your wishes as regards to university. You have been fighting about it since junior high school. It is time for you to start formulating a Plan B for your future which is not reliant on your parent's financial support for university abroad.

Any plan to support yourself through school abroad will most likely be a very long term plan. Start thinking differently about how to get to school abroad without your folk's money, because that is based on your reality. .



abhma13
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27 Dec 2012, 11:10 pm

Yea, I guess...



postcards57
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29 Dec 2012, 4:59 pm

I just want to provide my perspective, as the parent of several older NTs and a teenager with autism.

I think I can understand your father's point of view. I think he wants to look after you, and that his reluctance to let you go is more complex than losing face. He says he is conservative, and whether or not other people see it as an "Asian thing" for kids to stay in the same country during their university studies, he sees it that way. I know many students who live at home throughout their studies. In fact, the number is increasing because it is so hard to be financially independent during college years. If your father expects to / wants to / has planned to pay for your studies, it is really his call whether he pays the additional costs of studying abroad.

It is also a much more gradual transition. A lot of students (I'm talking about NTs, including myself) aren't quite ready to make the leap to living their own. Life skills such as cooking, cleaning and laundry are one thing. Managing money in a challenging situation is another, and even when students live on their own their parents sometimes have to bail them out for unexpected expenses such as medical expenses. And dealing with a new emotional and social situation is still another. I have to say that your anger towards your father (or perhaps the way you are expressing it) is quite extreme. This could reflect some difficulty understanding other people or a need to develop better strategies for dealing with others than you currently possess. It sounds like you haven't had open and honest discussions with your father about other aspects of your life.

This is not to say I think you can't or you shouldn't leave; I am just suggesting that your father could actually be concerned about your well-being. For him it might not be as simple as stopping you from doing something you want to do.

J.