i have fixated on my english teacher??... :L

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1997jessica2013
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30 Dec 2012, 6:02 pm

well im a teenage female aspie and attend a mainstream school and this year we got a new english teacher. its now a few months into the year and i now know i have definitey fixated on her...not exactly something i wanted or intended to happen but i cant help it i truly love her. shes all i ever think about now. all day every day, researching her on the internet through things like the school website and facebook, looping conversations ive had with her back and forth through my head, trying to figure out what she thinks about me, i think about times i could have made her think i was more popular and awesome at school but missed the opportunity and how she could have liked me even more if i had done those things, i wonder does she think about me too, does she like me, whats she up to now, what kind of things is she into, what is she like outside school/at home, what her familys like, is she in a nice loving happy caring family, even when i watch a movie or tv programme i cant help but wonder if shes saw it too, a while ago i actually had dreams about her; our familys together, me and her getting along well with eachother and having a strong bond, us seeing eachother outside of school, our familys seeing eachother often and having a nice life together. and the recent school shooting here in america where the teachers saved all those kids just got me thinking would she have done that for me, i think how i would have attacked that gunman and risked my own life trying to save her and the class and then me being a hero and her and everyone loving me (more importantly her) im aware of how weird and creepy and strange and wrong my fixation with her is but i enjoy having thoughts about her and i just love her so much. and what makes it even worse is that shes a woman and i am a GIRL. im really confused now cuz i dont think im gay. ive occassionally had sexual thoughts about her ( yes i know this is wrong and weird but its beyond my control) i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with her...i want to protect her and love her and make her happy... english has always been my favourite subject and i also formed an obsession/fixation with the things we were doing in english eg the shakesphere plays/macbeth stuff, the poetry, the media stuff, the journalism stuff omg everything about english i love. and when she starts reading out poetry there is just something about it and her voice together that is just so entrancing...she just says it in such an intrinsic rythem...i love that. and wen we're doing personal writing tasks where we have to talk about things we done in our life and our interests and stuff i feel like im talking to her (which i am because she marks it) i feel like she understands me, i dont tell my friends or anyone i have aspergers so i sometimes seem weird to them but she knows i have it and understands (all my teachers do obv) but she doesnt judge me or think im weird like the other teachers automatically presume because she can tell by my personal writing that i have a nice personality and im fun and get up to a lot of things in my life. i dont really talk to other people or my friends about the things i talk to her about in my personal writing, im not much of a talker and not really into social chit chat because of my aspergers, i think maybe cuz i feel like im talking to her and she knows about me and UNDERSTANDS me that makes me fall in love with her even more. maybe i just needed someone to talk to, and she took the place of that someone. shes confident and sexy and beautifull and amazing and i cant get my mind to shut off from thinking about her. theres a reason of course i know, i have aspergers syndrome, and obsessing over things is a big part of my symptoms, but did i have to fixate on my goddam english teacher?? really?? oh my god im actually shocking myself because i know its so weird. another thing, we seem to keep eye contact throughout most of the lesson (i assume the teachers are supposed to be watching me because im autistic, all of them put me at the front seating row thats how i know this, all except my english teacher; she had respect for me right at the beginning). everytime i turn around shes looking at me, we seem to have this long awkward stare and then she turns away for a bit and usually back into the awkward eye contact again lol, soon as she walks in the door she looks at me and i automatically look at her, even at dinner time any time she sees me really its like our eyes have some kind of magnetic force that just causes us to look at eachother...as if we already have some kind of bond LOL. i sometimes feel like shes seducing me with her eyes. LMFAO. theres so many extremely coincidental funny things that have happened between us too but im not going to share them because ive now started thinking omg what if she looked up in the internet aspie fixations on teachers(im starting to wonder if she knows ive fixated on her) and saw this and knew it was me. yes, im getting a bit paranoid now. but anyway....will and when will this obsession end? am i likely to end up fixating on someone else wen it does? (i f****n hope not, its goddam creepy) how can i help myself to stop obsessing over her. im going to keep on english till a levels and its likely ill have her rite up till a levels cuz im autistic and the teachers know i like routine and wont want my teachers to change and they have to follow that because they have a special needs policy HAHA. am i the only one who fixates like this? please dont start abusin me for my weirdness wen u dont know much about aspergers becos u dnt understand. IM AWARE THAT ITS WEIRD BUT ITS PART OF MY CONDITION. im just looking for advice on how to cope with this becos i know its not normal...or healthy. advice please? i apologise for the long post...i really felt like i just needed to get that out there. thanks guys! :)



YellowBanana
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30 Dec 2012, 6:27 pm

Needs paragraphs ... can't read it as it is.


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Noetic
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30 Dec 2012, 6:41 pm

Your writing reminds me of someone suffering a psychotic break. Please speak to someone before you do something that gets you in trouble.



Nonperson
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30 Dec 2012, 6:58 pm

Wall of text crits WP forum for 300,000. 90k overkill. WP forum has died.

No, seriously: I've been obsessed with people before when I was younger, including teachers. I know what you're talking about. It's a combination of a crush and, I think, wanting to become like that person. Idolization. I think it's not uncommon for an aspie to look for a mentor or role model more seriously than an NT might. There is nothing wrong with having a crush (and nothing wrong with being gay, either). Nothing wrong with your thoughts and feelings, but you need to keep sight of the fact that these are your thoughts and feelings, not hers. Enjoy your fantasy but don't mix it up with reality, because it sounds as though you're seeing what you want to see and might end up saying or doing something off-the-wall that will have negative repercussions for you (or at least embarrass you in front of your teacher) if you aren't careful.



BlueMoon10
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30 Dec 2012, 6:59 pm

Hello...I've been a lurker for months now, and I read your post and decided to finally join the forum. I just want to say that I can relate to almost all of what you wrote. Like you said, this is common with people with Asperger's. (mostly female) I fixated on one of my teachers while attending school a few years ago (she was actually a substitute teacher, I was close with her mother who was/is a teacher at the same school)...It's good that you are recognizing this in yourself.

At the time of my "obsession" with this woman, I wasn't aware that this was a symptom of autism, and I couldn't control myself. She had taken an interest in me first-taking me out to lunch, talking with me, etc. We had so much in common and I very much admired her. With the lack of control, I took it too far. She had given me her phone number and I was calling her way too often than I should have been. It didn't turn out well....I really regret it. But like you, I really admired her, and I would play conversations between her and I over and over again...fantasizing about us becoming closer. I thought I was in love with her. Maybe I was, but in the end, I felt horrible. (Not saying this will happen to you, but just be careful...) I thought she was sweet and smart and all of those good things...but as my obsession took over, I found that she wasn't those things.

She had said some awful things to me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was shocked when she told me she couldn't stand me. I'm saying all this to you because I don't want you to feel hurt like I did. Again, not saying the same thing will happen to you, but just advising you to not let your obsession get out of control. I still obsess over people (mostly women of higher authority that I admire.), but I know not to let my feeling get the best of me. I don't want to feel like I did before. I admire you for sharing your story...if you need to talk more about this, feel free to PM me.



Theuniverseman
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30 Dec 2012, 7:11 pm

At least you realize that you are obsessed with your teacher, better than not realizing it and ruining the relationship like I did with someone I really liked as a friend but I got carried away and crossed that invisible line and was completely rejected by her, which as you might be able to imagine really sucked. Considering that you are the student there are very clear rules regarding relationships between you and your teacher, end of story, I realize that you cannot control your thoughts and feelings, been there done that, it sucks but what can we do being autistic and all, just don't ruin the friendship you have. My advice is to chill out and focus on the academic things you have in common with your teacher and be realistic with regards to your romantic inclinations towards this person, meaning even if she was trying to seduce you such behavior by a teacher with a student is highly inappropriate, so assume that she has no interest in you other than the regard she has for your talents and the empathy she has towards you for being autistic. Just keep in mind that more often than not, fantasy is better than reality, go ahead and fantasize all you want, masturbate if you need to relieve your sexual tension, just keep in mind that this romance is all in your head, its not real, neither is it mutual, but I see no harm in fantasizing, so long as you can keep fantasy and reality separate.


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Bubbles137
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31 Dec 2012, 9:55 am

i can relate totally- I completely fixated on a teacher when I was at school and the fixation lasted long after I'd left. It's horrible and I hated it but couldn't help it. She was all I could think about and, like you, I wanted to know as much about her as possible and constantly replayed conversations in my head. Mine didn't work out well :( she complained about me to head of year group coz I was annoying her by trying to talk to her too much and she still won't speak to me if I see her in town. I was really hurt and upset; took a long time to get over it. At uni a couple of years ago (ten years after the fixation started), I began to fixate slightly (nowhere near as intensely) on a lecturer but was open with her about it and ended up doing my dissertation on the experience from when I was a teenager (i did creative writing) which was amazing, really got it out of my system. I get on really well with my lecturer and she's genuinely amazing- exactly what I want to be like when I'm older. She's written three books and run several marathons (my interests are writing and running), and she's really shy but the nicest person I've met. I'm so scared I'll end up annoying her though, I really don't want her to hate me. She doesn't know about Asperger's and I don't want her too (I'm 26 and it's not as big an issue at uni as it was at school) so I don't want her to think I'm creepy or weird.



toliman
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31 Dec 2012, 12:34 pm

YellowBanana wrote:
Needs paragraphs ... can't read it as it is.


i just highlight a few lines and read those at a time ...

as for the crush, yeah, it's soul modifying at times, but then, eventually, you get diverted, and it's less overbearing,

it's strange to think back on my life as a pre-teen kid, without a diagnosis and re-evaluate how fixated i really was, with some books, those personal organisers (pre-computers),technical interests, and occasionally, with girls i'd talked to once, and maybe never really talked to again,

but it would just ramp up into this 'thing' where we'd be together, real friends, in love, as a team, facing life together, all the sappy teen romance stuff, and then i'd analyse how to get there, how to ask them out, how to get them to like me, etc. and it would be enduring for months, tied into the normal introverted teen kid thing.

and it got worse over time, accelerated by exposure, repeated daily memories, and events, new stories, hanging out with their friends, etc. it never really went into fantastic dreams territory, it stayed grounded most all of the time, but it was intense and derailing.

my time in university was kind of the worst crush, i was instantly startled by a girl i saw once, and kind of just followed her around for 2 whole years, obsessing about her life, what she liked and disliked, her face, i listened to her music, followed her friends, talked more to her friends than to her, followed their interests, her fashion sense, her subjects, it just consumed everything when i wasn't paying attention, or things were difficult, which ended up being quite a lot of the time. critically, i changed a lot of my life to follow her around and hang out and do things i wasn't really interested in, just to be around in case she came by to say hi. i waited at a lot of bus stops and train stations as i was still 17, and she was 19, and we'd see each other occasionally, talk, and she'd go and i'd stay, repeat, and repeat.

i joined the student council, i learned to tend a bar, listened to alternative music, bought music (until MP3's came out), watched a lot of U2 videos, dyed my hair purple on a dare (it went blonde and curly though), drove to her suburb and just walked around her block and her house whenever i felt stressed out, and generally did all the really, really stupid things that NTs enjoy while drunk.

and i'd sink into the idea that we were destined, that i knew where she was and what she was thinking, and it tied into this analogous empathic disconnect. looking back, i think i said 400 words to her in the whole year, and she said about 800 to me, she ended up dating one of the boys in her degree soon after joining up, (and she had awful taste), idk. it became wierd, i didn't recognise myself.

i thought it was some kind of peverse animus or stalkerish behavior, but i thought we shared some kind of weird bond, and she understood something in me, the logical part just thought i was drunk and spinning out words and feelings i couldn't quite match or place, the emotive side, well, took a bit of a holiday, with me taking notes for the trip.

at the time i thought it was some kind of mystical destiny, an entwining event, i just noticed something in the way she talked and responded, and through a long process of indirect, absurd research, spent a lot of time looking at mysticism, alternate therapy and occult ideas, Wicca, kabalism, metaphysics, philosophy, the whole tired subculture, from start, to end looking for some kind of connective answer or shared experience or answers. not productively. it was a long year, and i was really, really bored with first year university. looking back, it might have been 'super' creepy, but i stepped back a lot, and really, it helped push me through some of the more depressing events as i was constantly moving house every year, and i'd have to drop all the people, habits and familiar things, find a new bunch of friends again, etc.

it was intense and dis-connective, i never really saw her, just the image i had in my head that wouldn't let go.

so, don't be too weirded out by it,

i tend to think if my life had spiraled out differently, even now, it could have worked out for me.

logically i know this is invalid, but emotionally, i towed a lot of crap around with me that never got resolved, just lost and confused and tied up with some primal weirdness that took a few years to get out of my system.

peversely, it helped me recognise a lot of signs and warnings i would have never noticed, like fixatives on numbers, signs of depression and stress and angst, where my tolerance for people and groups started and ended, the earliest you can wake up before the sun rises,

and the time it takes to realise you're humming a song before it gets to be a thing,
"You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it"



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16 May 2014, 5:07 pm

Heya,

I am very aware of the fact that this thread is like 2 years old, but I found it whilst searching online to see if anybody else had the same issues as myself.

I have only recently been officially diagnosed but have been obsessed with certain people since before I can remember, always female, usually an authoritative figure and al simply wonderful. I also did not realise that this was actually linked to AS, and just accepted it was some bizarre trait I had.

I'm afraid I cannot offer any assistance or words of comfort as I have never really been able to eradicate an obsession, when I have been forced to move on (such as moving schools) I will soon find another person with which I become obsessed.

Just to say I sympathise with the original poster and hope that after these two years or so she has been able to manage the relationship with her English teacher. I was so relieved to see that another person has felt this way, especially as the initial posted resounded greatly with me.

MSK x



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16 May 2014, 7:14 pm

I can also relate, only with famous people, so I don't have the problem of them being in my life, and I don't have a wish to be with the people I get obsessed with its more knowing everything about them and what their brains are like.

I can well imagine how it would feel for that obsession to be for someone in your life, especially a teacher, really I would just suggest not pursuing your obsession in any way, at least not to the teacher