Not worthy of a relationship - self-sacrifice

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albeniz
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31 Dec 2012, 2:12 am

Does anyone have any stories of putting the brakes on or completely bailing out of a relationship because of feelings of unworthiness even in spite of an underlying desire to have the relationship?

Were you able to reconcile the situation?

An example can be found here:

http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com ... ff-in.html



Declension
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31 Dec 2012, 2:23 am

Yup, sounds familiar. I've never sabotaged a relationship directly because of it, but it's one of the main reasons I am not currently looking for a relationship. A part of my brain is always saying that I'm not ready, that I would only be a burden on my partner. But I'm pretty sure that, according to that part of my brain, I will never be ready.



Shizz
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31 Dec 2012, 2:41 am

i think we also can be targets for social predators so it's a bit complex but yeah, i sabotaged every relationship for the most part because i hate to see myself in their eyes, and it's easier to be alone for the most part



1000Knives
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31 Dec 2012, 3:00 am

Yep, sure do.

I had a lot of legal issues back before 2011 or so. I don't wanna get into specifics, but yeah. Legal issues, no job, pretty much everything going wrong in life. The girl I liked was, uhm, totally gorgeous. Just the most beautiful person I've ever met. She was extremely nice. Hell, one of the few girls who were nice to me back then (now girls are a tad nicer because I look better.) I did some work on her car, and she took me out to eat afterwards. I gotta say, that day I spent with her was probably one of, if not the best, days of my life.

Anyway, I didn't pursue due to those reasons. She also had a boyfriend. Her boyfriend seemed to be a relatively good guy, too. He had a job, was in college, and I couldn't really rationalize taking her away from him, as I figured I'd only bring her misery and sadness. So I didn't pursue. But I still couldn't get the feelings to go away, no matter what. I thought rationally what I was doing was right, though, and tried my best to ignore my feelings and premonitions. I had strong premonitions and feelings, too.

One premonition I had was, I wanted to go to the Asian Market one day, I called almost all my friends to ask if they wanted to go, except her. I was too afraid to for whatever reason. So I put off going, and then made stops for no reason, just out of an unexplainable fear. I went to the convenience store to get coffee, even though I had caffeine that day, I took the longest way to the Asian market possible. Then when I got to the Asian market, as soon as I pulled in, I saw her pull out.

Eventually, she got married to her boyfriend, about a year after. I did nothing to stop it. Eventually I did tell her how I felt, I was sorta forced to. She invited me to her wedding, and I figured the jig was up. I couldn't lie by omission any longer, and I told her I couldn't go because it'd be too hard for me emotionally to handle because I liked her. Oddly enough, she said she was sad I told her that. My friend even said she seemed sorta distraught over it. So she may have even had some sort of feelings for me after all.

Overall, doing this was the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and totally altered the course of my life. I went from having hope and being happy, to...not. I'm a coward. And me doing that makes me even more unworthy of a relationship. Due to my sins, I have been figuratively punished with wandering in the desert for 40 years like the Israelites. After doing this, too, I feel even less worthy than before.

No girl has made me feel the same since, and I feel even more unworthy and cowardly than I did before, so I don't know if I'll ever be in a relationship. It's this type of madness, I feel, that drives men to do great things. I wonder if Nikola Tesla had this type of thing happen to him, and that's why he decided to be celibate and devote all his time to making giant deathrays and other things nobody ultimately cared about instead of having a normal happy life with a relationship. But it is driving me toward similar wild ambitious goals, done for the sake of my own loneliness.

Don't do what I did, tell someone you love that you how you feel.



TornadoEvil
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31 Dec 2012, 5:05 pm

I agree with the article. Overthinking and low-self esteem do lead to rather self-destructive behavior is aspies. Thinking like: "I'm not worth of her," "it would just end in a disaster," and "I doubt she even likes me that much."

I am not an expert on self-esteem. I feel like I want too much outside approval into what I'm doing. It takes time and the right motivations. Having a few friends, and a therapist, helps too.

Edit: It helps to have a continual conscious drive to make yourself better, and get yourself out doing things even when you're depressed.

Edit Edit: And I've never been in a relationship or had many friends.



streetlegal
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02 Jan 2013, 1:32 am

The first two months of my relationship, my partner would frequently do this. We would have a week or two that were great, and then he would pull back saying it was "inevitable" we would not work out. It was difficult on me, and certainly painful for him. When this would happen, he would admit there was no logic to this, and berate himself. We no longer have that issue, but I really had to hold my ground. Although we've never discussed those times, I feel it was an insecurity issue. He has absolutely no doubts about how much I care, and maybe that has allowed us to move forward.