I'm not sure on which level I should answer this.
On the one hand, I have quite low self-esteem, with regard to exterior factors such as:
*Number of friends,
* job satisfaction,
* income level,
* security of emotional relationships,
* future prospects,
* mental health needs,
* self-perception as a disabled person,
* unsuitability for most jobs,
* tendency to rely on drink and drugs to address personal anxieties,
* no long-term relationship since 2008 (and no prospect of one in the foreseeable future),
* a characteristic streak of perversity which means I will refuse to follow good advice unless I have thought of it independently (even though this often gets me into trouble),
* complete lack of ability to manage my personal finances (and a related risk of getting into debt, which is often more than theoretical in nature),
* tendency to get into abusive relationships, (which is possibly related to my)
* lack of an appropriate emotional relationship with my father since childhood and ongoing (for which I somehow blame myself, even though I know this is not reasonable),
* ability to initiate friendships but then never pursue them (which would be far less depressing if I didn't initiate them to begin with, since the other person always perceives this as a personal 'snub'),
* failure to have conceived a 'career plan' at an early age and then pursued it (rather than just bumbling along from one job to the next, with spells of unemployment in between)
* not having any realistic chance of owning my own home
* no investment in a personal pension scheme, probably meaning I will live in poverty during retirement
* ... if I live that long, having highly-unhealthy addictions to booze and fags which I don't seem to be able to conquer
* instinctive non-appreciation of (in fact, complete lack if interest in) most popular entertainment (such as soap operas and football), meaning that I am unable to get involved in some of the most common topics of discussion
* personal tendency toward paranoia with regard to personal relationships (which I regard as the AS attempt to analyse by logical means, subjects which should be understood on an emotional level)
* phobia about opening mail or email, often leading to missed deadlines/lack of participation/perceptions (by others) that I am deliberately ignoring them/etc
... and so on and so forth.
On the other hand:
I have quite high self-esteem judged by personal factors, in that
* I know I'm more intelligent than most people I meet (present company excepted),
* I have a strict personal code of moral behaviour which I generally uphold,
* I'm not ugly (yet),
* I'm not unattractive (yet),
* I have areas of demonstrated strength at a professional level in a practice that I find personally fulfilling,
* I try to do good and be helpful even to total strangers, regardless of whether it will benefit me,
* I am generally perceived positively by acquaintances (even if this doesn't result in personal friendship)
* I am generous despite being on a low income
* I try to perceive and interact with people on an individual level, rather than regarding them through lenses of class/subculture/ethnicity/etc
* I try not to be judgemental, unless provided with conclusively-deciding evidence, because everyone is a unique individual, responding as best they can to often unpredictable and frequently negative circumstances beyond their control (so for example, I didn't mind my sister embarking on a relationship with a convicted criminal, but drew the line and reported him to the police when he emptied her bank account at Christmas)
* I am quite creative (in a number of fields)
* I am not a Man Utd fan
* I try to encourage other people (and help them, wherever practical) to pursue their dreams and objectives, and ideally to fulfil themselves in that area
* I try to demonstrate the same patience and personal tolerance toward others that I know others sometimes need to demonstrate toward me
* I am not influenced by ephemeral fashions, because I regard them as the antithesis of individual expression
* I try to understand people at as deep a personal level as possible, even though this might not be reciprocated, which at one end of the scale can add to a (to them) unexpected appreciation of their personal circumstances and emotional state, and at the other could just mean buying them extremely personal well-chosen Christmas presents
* Despite all the above, I do not perceive myself as in any way approaching perfection, or even anything near it, but regard my personal development and improvement as something that I must actively pursue until I take my last breath, and I believe this to be a positive quality in and of itself
So on balance, I suppose that my self-esteem depends which of the above categories (or any number of unlisted others) is most strongly-applicable to my situation at any given moment.
Sometimes I feel great about myself and ready to take on the world, sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and die.
Being bipolar definitely plays a part in this, but (as I hope I've outlined above) self-esteem can be measured by external or internal standards, and I wholeheartedly believe that if you pursue your internal standards, then the external standards aren't so important in the grand scheme of things. This was a lesson I first learned when I was briefly rich, and yet it didn't increase my happiness one jot.
19 Nov 2013, 1:32 pm
