Living in Fear (My story)

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This could be triggering for some people, so please read with caution:

There's something you need to know about me that maybe will help you to understand why I've been such an as*hole; I know what it's like to live in constant fear of another man. This man made life very difficult for me, my sibling and especially my mother. This man was my father. He was a very violent man and very unpredictable. He was always very loud and intimidating and often used too much force, such as hitting, kicking, etc. He hit and berated my sister, and I couldn't do anything about it. He abused and hurt my mother, and I couldn't do anything about it. A typical day with him was intense- you would never know when he was about to kick off. Sometimes, all it would take was a jacket found on the floor instead of on a hanger or daring to contradict him in any way. He made a fairly good living as a builder, but spent most of his money on drugs and alcohol, so we grew up poor as s**t. He used to use drugs in front of me. He was even worse when he tried to give up smoking. He had a criminal record - massive one. He's been in and out of court throughout my childhood. He used to carry knives when he was a bouncer. He even drove a company car, under the influence,
even though he has no driving license. He always seemed to get into fights.

He used to try and turn me and my sister against our mother by saying that she's lazy and doesn't try hard enough. My mother was ill with kidney failure - she nearly died - and my father brushed it off and still called her lazy. He expected her to get a job, even though she was so ill that couldn't even walk down a freaking corridor. My father used to hit my mum and make her feel like s**t. After he f****d off, my mother wrote a long list of things my father had done, among which was rape. I was so furious finding this out. He was actually falsely accused of rape once and I was certain that he would never do that to anyone.

The worst thing about it all was that I was a daddy's girl. I admired my father because he was physically strong and, yes, sometimes even funny. He wasn't always a bad person. Sometimes he was alright, such as playing with me and my sister, giving us cuddles, playing games... So, I was always conflicted as a child. I loved my father and he loved me. He had his good days. However he was terrifying. I didn't know what he was capable of.

I knew that he had an awful childhood. He was a victim of sexual abuse and physical abuse. He saw his mother get beaten and sexually abused by his father and his siblings were also abused this way. His whole family is disgusting and he's actually not as bad as some of them. He was forced into labor as a child. He was arrested and even put under the psychiatric system and he was put on anti-psychotic medication. He inherited his alcoholism from his family, that's for sure. He ran away from home aged 14 and had no education, besides primary education. I know he is bitterly jealous of those more successful than him. He used to complain about how sh***y his life was and I always felt like it was up to me to make it better. I wanted to work and wanted to help him so that he didn't have to work as hard. I was only 5 years old at this point. He always made me feel guilty because his life was so bad and I tried so hard to make him happy.

Thing is, my father is immune to happiness. My father is a pathetic man who hates himself and doesn't know the meaning of happiness. He gave up on that possibility the moment he left us. I dealt with a lot of anger as a result of him. living under his tyranny, I couldn't express how I felt, but when he left I was able to let it out and feel angry at him for the first time. My anxiety disorder was worsened because he threatened to sell our house and refused to pay child support. He ended up leaving his job (though mostly for health reasons). Still, it meant he left my mother to care for us.

Now I'm older - I've shed my tears, threw my tantrums, had my panic attacks and now I'm not angry anymore. I feel pity for this man, to be honest. I know he's somewhere, thousands of miles away, slowly killing himself and sitting in a puddle of self pity and piss. All I know is now, my mother is so much better off. We're all better off, actually and while our lives aren't perfect, it's so much better than having him around.

Thing is, there are so many great men in my life; my maternal grandfather and uncles (who helped to raise me when my mother was ill and my father was working); my friends; my mentor; my teachers and lecturers; my neighbors, etc. Many of these men also had awful lives, but never harmed anyone as a result. Why fear these wonderful people just because of one bad egg? I refuse to live in fear like I used to and I defy anyone or any social construct that tries to say that I should.

Maybe now you understand where I'm coming from. If you still think that I was insensitive and unnecessarily cruel, then I suppose I don't blame you. I used language that was harsh and I sounded like I was dismissing people's experiences. I also created a massive amount of conflict on a forum that some people see as a refuge or a safe space and while I myself am a woman, it was wrong for me to think I could do that. For that, I am deeply sorry (especially if that may have made you very uncomfortable). However, I stand firmly by my stance that encouraging women to live in a constant state of vigilance and fear is oppressive. Nobody should be too afraid to live their lives.

While I have not read any of the remarks you refer to, I completely agree with the above. I am deeply sorry you had to experience all of that. No one should go through something like that. No one.

I have known some people personally who have experienced abuse and I have seen what it has done to them. Some get through it somewhat okay. Others are affected by it quite visibly for many years. Sadly, they tend to perpetuate the cycle in one form or another. As a result, they cannot even form meaningful relationships and lash out at those who are truly trying to help them. Much of that may come down to fear/conditioning--what people come to see as "normal", so they react poorly to anything that is different (that is, actually positive).

Hope I'm not going off-topic here. Again, I completely agree that no one should have to live in fear, and I hope that everyone who has gone through these kinds of experiences can eventually heal, however long it may take.