Living alone & independent - how does that work out

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Sanctus
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06 Jan 2013, 9:20 am

I'm currently worrying a lot about the time when I will be working and living alone. Right now I'm living in a student dorm, and even here I tend to get very sloppy, forget to wash my clothes often enough, sit in front of the computer all day and often feel sad and alone. I think if I was to live completely alone some day, maybe even when my parents have died, I will just live completely isolated and passive. It's pretty much impossible for me to make new friends or even just contacts. I find it exhausting to leave the house and without someone like my mother pushing me, I will probably go out even less. Plus without someone accompanying me, I am very shy and sometimes almost mute when I'm amongst new people.

I often read about Aspies here on wrongplanet being married with children, or at least having good friends. This might be a stupid question but how does one manage that? The thing is, whenever I'm not living alone, I will crave isolation and constantly feel overwhelmed - and then when I am alone I become lazy and depressed. I think a family with kids would be too much for me, so maybe a dog would be a good idea, I bond more with animals anyway.

Right now I kind of miss my childhood/early youth. Nobody knew I had AS, but I was treated as highly intelligent and kind of a "special snowflake". I had less problems making friends, probably because I didn't have as many bad experiences yet. I had some adult friends, because I always felt better among older people. And, well, I could be a child. It was so relaxed back then. School was a joke and I could pretty much do nothing all day if I wanted to. But now everybody's expecting me to be professional and mature, though I still feel like a child in some aspects, and I feel like I just can't adapt to the "adult way of living". I don't care about a career and I don't want to work, I just want to do fun stuff and live in my head all day. I realize this sounds like the rant of a spoiled 10 year old, but that's kind of what I feel like sometimes.

So, the question is actually: Do you live alone? How did you manage to become independent, or maybe you haven't? Do you feel overwhelmed by how people expect you to act "mature"?



whirlingmind
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06 Jan 2013, 9:43 am

Sometimes it's forced on you. I was thrown out of home at 16, so I had no choice but to live alone. That doesn't mean it was easy or without problems.

As to how you can end up getting married. Well, of the few friendships I've had, I was befriended by much older people who were divorced and looking for someone to socialise with. One of those friends and I ended up going on a holiday together, where I met my husband.

As he was foreign, he probably didn't notice my differences. Although we ended up married, it hasn't been and isn't without huge problems. So don't always think the grass is always greener or that you can never 'achieve' some of those life milestones. Sometimes things happen, even without you particularly having to try. I frequently want to run off alone somewhere because of the stresses and responsibilities of my situation, being alone isn't always the worst thing that can happen to you, and you can go out and be among people even if you haven't got proper friendships, so you don't have to feel totally alone.

Every situation has it's negatives.


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redrobin62
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06 Jan 2013, 11:37 am

I've lived alone for years. There were highs and there were lows. It'd be nice to go back in time and change things, but alas, what's done is done. My biggest regret? Not having anyone to lean on.



Dreycrux
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06 Jan 2013, 11:41 am

Your post was awesome and I can relate very well to it.

I live on my own and only work part time because I can't handle full time work as it is too stressfull for me (nervouse breakdown) I live a comfortable life and I really enjoy my 4 days off. I don't like money so I am content with just having enough...I have done well for myself and have even saved money over the 2 years ive been working part time.



Chloe33
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07 Jan 2013, 12:26 pm

If you have to live alone, i find it helpful to make lists of important things.
If you have lists it can help organize you to make sure all the bills are paid. You could use a calendar and write it on there, or even
post it reminder notes.
The thing about living alone is that it is sooooo easy to isolate oneself. I live with a partner and i still isolate myself.
It's so not good to isolate all the time and my partner is useless in helping me with that so i need to make a new therapist appt.

The biggest concern i would have is making sure all bills paid on time #1 priority
#2 try to not extremely isolate myself somehow

Society is programmed to make people want to marry and have kids. However despite the programming we receive of this through mass media, the main thing is to do what makes you happy, not what society expects.

ps- Dogs are awesome pets!



namaste
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07 Jan 2013, 12:43 pm

I come from eccentric and abusive background my parents were sociopaths and weirdo's
So right from childhood i was alone most of the time and people didnt want to associate with me
As i grew up it was difficult to get me married but india there is arranged marriage system
and eventually i found a guy and got married to.
But it comes with problems because my hubby isnt good decision maker and i have to take all
the major decisions in house and i am not confident person so loads of issue
Also my hubby doesnt talk much with me....so even though he is there i feel lonely
he hears me but doesnt listen to me...... :(
Another issue is with my son he kind of tries to fool me always tells lies
and throws tantrums i find it exhausting to handle him
also because of him i have to socialise which i dont like
after 1-2 small talks the ladies eventually stop talking with me
i find it too difficult to socialise
I work a part time job and i am bullied whenever i have to visit office
but most of the time i am on the field teaching kids
but yes there is extreme loneliness and isolation even though i am married and with a kid
we are not invited to much of the social do's as i said earlier my family is eccentric
and crazy

all i can say is that if you are married you get social support and in times of trouble there is someone
to help you
but if you are alone you will have to swim through the difficult social scenario and look for someone to help
you out


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07 Jan 2013, 1:44 pm

I can really identify with your post - you sound like me a few years ago, when I was still a student. I'm now "independent" (I had no choice, since there was no one willing to support me for long after I graduated) and found it very difficult. I can offer some advice based on my experiences, since it took me a while to work out what I needed to do in order to be able to manage. I can't help you with marriage and children, as I have no idea how people do that either, but I can offer some tips for day-to-day living which may encourage you.

Simplicity is the thing - as much of it as possible. I kee; a small living space with few belongings (I got rid of most of them), all of the things I use are carefully organised into the right cupboards, and anything I own which is not used regularly is stored in a box under the bed, which means keeping my house clean and tidy requires little to no effort. I have a computer, but very few other electrical/mechanical things (no television, washing machine, dishwasher, microwave or car, and I have a very basic phone). I don't use or need these things and this means I own almost nothing which requires maintenance or expensive replacements. I chose a place to live where I can walk to local shops around the corner and, on the very rare occasion I need something they don't have, cycle to a larger shopping centre - a car would be far too complicated and expensive for me to maintain. Once per month I spend some time doing "house things" (washing clothes and bedding, vacuuming, tidying up). That is the extent of my housekeeping and it is sufficient. The rest of the time I don't think about it as having lots of tasks like that on my "to do" list would just confuse me and stress me out.

I had a part time job as a full time one was not manageable for me. I worked more hours at first which was difficult but I saved some money, and after I had done that I was able to just work weekends, and because I have very low living costs, just about financially break even (with the savings in case of emergency). My financial life is extremely simple. I have no financial commitments but my rent and internet fees, which are taken directly from my bank account each month. I grocery shop every two weeks, and often cook easy food like soups and curries in large batches and freeze them, so I don't have to cook for myself every day.

It took me a long time to figure out how to simplify and arrange things sufficiently that I found life manageable, and I can't begin to imagine how neurotypical people manage with their lives so full of stuff, but I am coping now and I'm proud of that! I have no relationships with other people at this time and that's my next goal, but I haven't made that progress yet. Best of luck with your future.