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RightSide
Butterfly
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Joined: 8 Jan 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 11

09 Jan 2013, 3:19 pm

So... I think I have a crush on a girl. We already gone to see a movie together with a few friends and we talked a bit. Then in new's years eve she sleeped next to me on the couch. After that, we started talking almost every day. I already know a lot of things about her and she already knows about my Asperger's Syndrome.
But my main problem now is: How do I start a conversation? Normally, she started the conversations but I am affraid she is getting tired of me. I think is because I don't make a solid move to create a romantic relationship. But I'm very shy and I'm not confident enough to assume that she wants to have a romantic relationship with me. What should I do? Should I be sincere?

PS: My english isn't my first language, sorry.



aspiemike
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09 Jan 2013, 4:54 pm

Hey there.

For starters, I would say that you have to engage her feelings, and not her thoughts if you want to figure out if she has any romantic interest. You will have to turn your mind off and stop thinking about it. Think about how you talk to your friends and how natural the flow of a conversation is with most of them. This is the type of conversation you want. You want to feel how the other person feels and you will want to communicate how you feel at some point. So yes, showing feelings is a sign of sincerity. Try not coming across as too sincere though. Most people just want to be felt, not analyzed.



MrEGuy
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10 Jan 2013, 1:06 am

Here's the basic math of talking to women:

5% playful / sexy
95% thoughtful / direct

Now, thoughtful does not mean going full aspie and discussing minute detailed stuff. But, you can unload more aspie-ness than you think and leverage it for conversation topics. It's not as bad as many ASD folks act like it is. Aspies like to talk and girls like to talk -- that can be a winning combination.

You want just enough sexy in there to remind her you are a sexual being who has a pulse. Small playful jokes that slightly tease her are effective.

To some extent, you have to find her threshold for boyishness and even full-on dickishness. For example, I was messaging a woman I'm taking out this coming Friday night and we were trying to sort out time to meet. I told her I needed some lead time so I could sniff my clothes and rub a dryer sheet on them if were a tad offensive. She cracks a joke about me being a gentleman, so I reply I always try to move the dishes out of the sink before I pee in it. She then tells me that she likes the way I joke and she's glad I can play around without being a tool (her word, not mine) about it.

If you want a great example of how to play around with women, find some YouTube clips of Craig Ferguson interviewing young actresses. Ferguson is a very bright guy who does a crazy good job of oscillating between thoughtful "so, what are you doing these days" stuff and playful "say no more, winki-wink" stuff. He's in his 50s and he has these 21-year old hotties just curling and cooing and giggling while he just plays it off like it's nothing.

And if you stumble and say something aspie-ish and/or off-color, play it off cool like you meant it. Don't overreact to a small negative response -- women despise men who back down when they something off-color and then wimper away when called out. Play off the negative response as if it barely happened. Some women in fact will try to bait you into negative responses just to see how well you can handle verbal play. Just roll off it and don't dwell in that spot.

Laugh a little, pick a little, move on and repeat until you find a thread she really cares about. My example girl from earlier says she is studying nursing, so I ask her why she "felt" she wanted to do that. "Felt" is a great word to practice using with women. Every question should be about why she "felt" whatever thing she did or is doing. If she traveled somewhere exciting, ask her what "compelled" her to go there.

"Feeling" concepts are also great stuff. If you start talking about physical intimacy, talk about how great something you like feels. For example, I'm partial the warmth and softness of a woman's skin. When talk gets to sexiness, that's my go-to canned line is to mention how crazy good that feels.

The big thing is play and don't dwell if something goes sour. Just roll off it and move on to a little more play. Keep playing until you see her get a bit excited about an idea she cares about. Then go in with the great lady-killer question: "why do you feel _______".