I'm not that bad at socialising, I just don't like it

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After being employed for about 3 months or so now (finally!), I have been able to suss out how average I can interact and fit in. I wouldn't say I am good at it, but I wouldn't say I am bad at it either. I am able to wear an NT mask, and so I just come across as an overemotional person, with some anxiety issues, which doesn't get too misunderstood because anxiety issues can occur in the general population (just some people are better at hiding it than others), and so people don't think of you as some unusual person with a label what some people haven't even heard of. Also I am good with recognising non-verbal social cues, like tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and emotions and so on (which helps a lot).

Anyway, let's cut to the chase. Now that I've found I am not too bad at socialising (althougn not brilliant), I have found myself to just not like socialising and prefer to avoid it, possibly due to my fear of humiliation and rejection, which doesn't make me a bad socialiser but makes me avoidant of socialising. At work I like interacting with my colleagues, and I don't like to eat my lunch alone, but when I clean the rooms of the care home, I do prefer to clean a room when the residents aren't in the room. Nothing against the residents, it's just me being a solitary person. But I do like to avoid social events like weddings and other forms of parties, and going to pubs or bars. I just don't like them.

This is not a ''me, me, I, I'' thread, I just thought I had realised something about myself that ISN'T too negative for once, and I just thought I'd like to share it with you and see if there are anyone else here who feels the same way.

Hey Joe! I have autism and relate to what you said but my problem goes much deeper in that I fail to interface with people correctly. When people smile I find it impossible to smile back, I avoid eye contact because smiling or greeting people takes to much effort. Even if I am happy smiling is hard, any facial expression is hard. I walk around like i'm serious or angry all the time and am often surprised when people point out I look angry. Talking is difficult and takes a lot of effort especially when I am stressed and I just shutdown and become selective mutism. I will often stop mid sentence or pause between sentences for uncomfortable amounts of time. I used to do this around family a lot. When I do try to force facial expressions people can tell and often say "What was that look for?" or "What's wrong with you?" so I give up in that regard. I don't like socializing but being on SSRI's has helped me talk more spontaneously which I am thankful for. I don't have social anxiety I can approach and confront most people...awkwardly of course, it's the content and quality of my speech that is lacking.

That's interesting. I've always thought if I were better at socializing, and less awkward and shy, I'd come to enjoy it much more.

At least you've recognized you're decent at socializing now; that must make working with co-workers easier to do everyday.