Does He Hate Me [Dad and Kid thing]

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I feel like my father hates me. He generally is just rude and tries to justify it with a blanket of honesty. But his brand of honesty is cruel, and breaks people apart. And it's unsupportive and unkind as well. My dad and I had a conversation a few days ago. There are parts of myself that I never told on Wrong Planet, but it's sorta different and hard to explain.

My father lately has been saying my clothing choices are frumpy. And that I need a knew style. But that makes me feel ugly and unattractive and only makes me want to hide in my "frumpy" clothes because I don't feel good about myself. See I...like to dress a little androgynously. I like clothes that aren't to masculine, but aren't to femine somewhere boreder in the middle. [due to other reasons] My father believes I should dress as my actual gender and that I need to start dressing in a way that people will accept me. He believes I should only present what they can handle. I asked him a genuine quetsion, he said a long time ago that he never got to complete his goals. He did basically what he tells me to do. He dressed like a sheeple and he tries to tell me, that if I dress as everyone should that I will become successful. But he never did. What kind of brand of reasoning is that? How can he justify me fitting into society as a way to make me successful if he never became successful and never got what he wanted?

He also doesn't respect or support my choices. He has always made comments about my veganism. "Well I don't check ingredients" He says and things like "I buy all your BS" I'm glad that you think me eating and buying vegan food is BS even though it's for my health. Let me just break out into painful psoriasis because I decided to go back to eating meat products. And not only that, but he's been very spiteful lately, imo. Monday night he made, porkchops, baked potato and corn. I always eat a baked potato and corn, always have, and one time asked him to not use the butter with the milk in it because I'm both lactose and my psoriasis issue. Well Monday Night he made me just a baked potato, while everybody else had corn, porkchops and a baked potato. His comment "i didn't know what you were getting". Yet all the while he was lavishing about he knew what his GF liked. So you know what your GF of a year likes, but your first born child...really seriously.

Does he seriously hate me? And how can he justify this mean spiritedness? How can he say that this isn't mean?

Am I overreactng or....I just don't know any more. I can't sleep, I don't feel like eating, and I feel generally stuck and hurt.

I'm not sure I would call it hate - I don't know enough about the situation. But from what you wrote I would say he treats you with disrespect. Does he also have Asperger's?

It's very likely he does. The only reason I looked into AS with myself was because of him.

When I first started high school, I said crowds made me dizzy and it felt like the world was spinning. My dad mentioned something about sounding like I had symptoms of AS. He said that he grew out of it. [I doubt it, he lacks empathy and tends to work on logic. The only time I ever saw him cry was when our cat died on July 4th 2011]

But he's the reason I looked it up. And realized, that's my life.

He doesn't hate you. He just doesn't understand you and perhaps "hates" your decisions. He's lived his life a certain way and your personality/style is challenging his comfort. It's a generation issue, I bet, and I doubt "androgyny" is even in his vocabulary.

Being "frumpy" is also very subjective because what is fashionable to one, may not be fashionable to another. It's a colourful world out there and he may not be open-minded enough to have a colourful house. At the end of the day, I think he is just trying to look out for you, with the limited knowledge and flexibilty he may have.

My advice: accept his opinion as is .. an opinion. You are your own person and you need to start advocating for yourself (if you haven't already) by communicating with him in a diplomatic tone.

If "frumpy" is a hygiene issue, resolve this for your own sake. Presentation is important, regardless of the dress code. As far as food is concerned, take responsibility of your special diet. If dairy is an issue, make ghee. Have it handy in the fridge so you're not eating a dry potato.

I think you are over-reacting. What you feel from what he says belongs to you. It's all a matter of perception. Just because you "feel" ugly when dad says "frumpy", it doesn't mean he thinks you are ugly. KWIM? Also, it's hard to say either way because you havent been specific of how he's being disrespectful. If he voices an opinion, it doesn't make him disrespectful. If he tells you you look like sh**, then yes, that would be disrespectful.

Last edited by ASDsmom on 10 Jan 2013, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

as others have said, it doesn't sound like hate, more like cluelessness. try ignoring his put-downs. he is socially awkward, after all. try to find things you can compliment him on (honestly). he's probably very lonely. do you have people who understand and encourage you? you'll not likely get much of this from dad. you need other sources. he's just not capable.

kudos on being vegan by the way. vegetarians truly do live healthier and longer. it's a smart choice. i practiced vegetarianism for several years. i married someone who doen't feel fed without meat, so we do chicken and fish these days.

I do have butter that is vegan and doesn't have milk in it. I cook my dinner most of the time, always make myself food. And sometimes I just want to eat with everyone else and enjoy the meal they are having.

Frumpy is mostly because I wear plain colored shirts, and my brown jacket. I always dress in layers, but that's due to me getting colder than I need. I take a shower every other day [this is just awkward to announce on a forum, ahahaa].

What is KWIM?

Well if you're the only vegan in the house, then it may be hard for you to enjoy a meal they are having. Try coordinating it in a way where you are eating similar foods so you're not left cooking an entirely different dish.

KWIM - "Know What I Mean" ..?

As far as vegan/vegetarianism is concerned, I personally think people have been misguided in thinking it's the healthiest diet available. I disagree and that's fine. Maybe your dad doesn't agree either. That's fine too. We can't change people as much as he can't change your way of thinking.

I think the posters above are right, but I also don't think you are overreacting. It hurts when your family isn't understanding that you are different from them. I think that's the crux of the matter, you are different from your father (like all kids are from their parents,) you are your own person with your own thoughts and feelings, and it's possible that hasn't occurred to your father until now. It still stings, though. I am sorry you are hurt.

Did your Dad just start seeing the girlfriend? I don't remember you mentioning her before. Is it possible that some of this has to do with a new person in your household making your father interact differently?

He's been with her for 2 years, since 2011 and we met her end year of 2011. And she's been frequenting our house more often. I do note a change in his personality when she's around. He feels more approachable when she isn't around and or she is around, but we were watching a movie where I could get some ground into the conversation.

I also think that my dad, now deceased, had Asperger's, and he was hypercritical in ways that easily hurt my feelings. He thought he was just being honest but couldn't seem to take into account that others were different than him and that his remarks might be hurtful. I still have self-esteem issues related to this. He didn't hate me, I know that, but he sure could get under my skin in ways he seemed oblivious to.

I'm sorry this is getting to you, and I'm not really sure what you can do about it except, if you can't get him to understand, to work on your attitude and try not to let it get to you. His hurtful remarks don't reflect who you are, they reflect him. Just remember that.

This.

It just hurts because I never been very confident in myself to begin. Years of social rejection, it be nice to get some support as an adult and instead I just continue to get obstacle after obstacle.

I got one thing good in my life which is my GF. She and I are so connected me makes me feel wonderful.

I personally don't think he hates you or anything like that but I just want to reiterate I don't know the situation. Here's my take on how he is acting. Maybe he is afraid you will never leave the nest and he is trying to make life miserable for you until you do. It is almost like a sort of tough love.

I already plan to leave. But i was here only for my younger siblings. Now I'm going to head out. Me and my GF want to move in together. We want a life together.

Yikes. That's a far-fetched idea. I doubt he's really putting a lot of thought into what he's saying. He sounds like the type of guy who speaks his mind, even if it's hurtful. I don't think his intentions are to hurt you but is anyway. I don't think he has any hidden agenda. You may not see eye to eye on things but he's still your dad.

It sounds like he hasn't learnt the art of filtering what he is saying, have you said very honestly to him to be more gentle that he is being too blunt?? Would that work or help? He needs to be more aware it's getting you down and maybe it's a habit for him saying things straight as he see's them but his intention isn't for you getting depressed though.




Strange as this seems this is him showing he cares and he wants you to learn from his experience. Yes it's hypocritical but if he didn't care he wouldn't say anything. Someone said its a generation thing which l feel too fits into this scenario.




With your vegan diet, don't buy into his snipes, you do what works best for you. My dad put me down sometimes as l was growing up and still does occasionally but if l ever need him he is there with no questions asked. Having the girlfriend there probably softens him but as l said earlier have a chat about being softer with you too.
With meals you can still organize to have your meal around the same time and make it social, just ask when they are planning to eat, my DD for years ate different to us but l would orginize to have at the same time. I know it's hard but try not to let it get you down. Tell yourself this is your dads personality for better or worst and try having that chat if you havent already done so.