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Deinonychus
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23 Jan 2013, 2:48 am

meems wrote:
I still sometimes go on dates. My girlfriend still sometimes goes on dates. Admittedly a lot of people are freaked out by the idea but I'm quite upfront about the fact that I am in a relationship.

Sometimes, in the past, whether in or out of a relationship, I've made my intentions clear and yet still the person I've gone on one or two dates with feels hurt when I again reject the possibility of a relationship. I've had men tell me I've put them in the friend zone - here I thought we were doing just that, becoming friends. When I've insisted on paying, sometimes men will say that I did it intentionally so I could later put them in the friend zone - as if I'm a whore who refused to accept payment.

The few times I've gone on dates with guys and let them pay, all but once I was told that I seemed really chummy when they were paying for a date - then I gave them the cold shoulder later. As if I'm a whore who didn't make good on providing the service they were paying for... and in either case I've had guys act like their TIME was payment for something beyond friendship.

This is generally what I think of when I hear a guy talk about the friend zone. Years of having dudes behave as if women owe them something more than friendship for their time and behavior. I've known more guys who weren't like this at all, more than the few who were. But these guys never acted like any woman owed them anything in the dating world.

THESE ARE JUST SOME THOUGHTS I felt like sharing.
the friendzone is a widely accepted word used to define the situation where a guy likes a girl, and wants to be more than friends, but she doesnt want the same thing, and prefers to be just friends.

this video explains it quite well.

on a separate note, i dont think its fair to any of the multiple people you would be dating to date more than just one person. it takes a lot of courage, strength, preparation, and much more to ask someone out, and continue to pursue them. if you are dating someone and they know you are dating other people, you have basically told them up front that you are weighing your options. works out really great for the people you might end up being with, but for everyone else who 'weighs less' its not so great, especially if you date them multiple times, and say things that would lead them to believe you like them. and even moreso if you dont tell them you are dating more people than just them.

i think its much better to give one person your full attention, and give them a real chance, then move on to the next person if it doesnt work out with the first person. this way both parties dont feel like they are in this competition where they are basically powerless (i like you, but you are just trying out 2 different people, but i'll still try because i like you and want it to work out), and could be likely wasting every bit of effort and time on someone who is still 'undecided' as to which of their 'weights' weighs the most. 'i like you TODAY, but tomorrow i might just ignore you because i have a date, but the NEXT DAY i might think i want you again, but mayyyybe that other guy could be cool if i just dated him more'. push / pull / push / pull rollercoaster rides arent something people should have to deal with, and many people, myself included, dont have the filter required to just give up on the person they like when they are doing it. its terrible for hopeless romantics especially, as they dont want to give up till the bitter end XD.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGK2KprU-To[/youtube]



meems
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23 Jan 2013, 3:08 am

No, I'm very clear with people that I don't want a relationship, and that's not what dating is to me. It's really only been a problem with guys, and I basically don't date men anymore because there is so little attraction to begin with - it's not really worth it to deal with these repeated scenarios in which men(primarily) have had trouble understanding that I will never want a relationship no matter how clear I make it.

Monogamy just doesn't work for me.


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Jono
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23 Jan 2013, 5:20 am

meems wrote:
No, I'm very clear with people that I don't want a relationship, and that's not what dating is to me. It's really only been a problem with guys, and I basically don't date men anymore because there is so little attraction to begin with - it's not really worth it to deal with these repeated scenarios in which men(primarily) have had trouble understanding that I will never want a relationship no matter how clear I make it.

Monogamy just doesn't work for me.


Have you made it clear that you're polyamorous? I would of thought that the people who want exclusive relationships would avoid polyamorous people, thus filtering them out. It may be that those men are dating because they actually want a long-term relationship, rather than a casual affair.



meems
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23 Jan 2013, 5:51 am

Jono wrote:
meems wrote:
No, I'm very clear with people that I don't want a relationship, and that's not what dating is to me. It's really only been a problem with guys, and I basically don't date men anymore because there is so little attraction to begin with - it's not really worth it to deal with these repeated scenarios in which men(primarily) have had trouble understanding that I will never want a relationship no matter how clear I make it.

Monogamy just doesn't work for me.


Have you made it clear that you're polyamorous? I would of thought that the people who want exclusive relationships would avoid polyamorous people, thus filtering them out. It may be that those men are dating because they actually want a long-term relationship, rather than a casual affair.


I'm not polyamorous. I'm in an open relationship. It's not really the same thing.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Jan 2013, 6:36 am

meems wrote:
Jono wrote:
meems wrote:
No, I'm very clear with people that I don't want a relationship, and that's not what dating is to me. It's really only been a problem with guys, and I basically don't date men anymore because there is so little attraction to begin with - it's not really worth it to deal with these repeated scenarios in which men(primarily) have had trouble understanding that I will never want a relationship no matter how clear I make it.

Monogamy just doesn't work for me.


Have you made it clear that you're polyamorous? I would of thought that the people who want exclusive relationships would avoid polyamorous people, thus filtering them out. It may be that those men are dating because they actually want a long-term relationship, rather than a casual affair.


I'm not polyamorous. I'm in an open relationship. It's not really the same thing.


yea, but you should be clear about it either way.



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23 Jan 2013, 6:39 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
meems wrote:
Jono wrote:
meems wrote:
No, I'm very clear with people that I don't want a relationship, and that's not what dating is to me. It's really only been a problem with guys, and I basically don't date men anymore because there is so little attraction to begin with - it's not really worth it to deal with these repeated scenarios in which men(primarily) have had trouble understanding that I will never want a relationship no matter how clear I make it.

Monogamy just doesn't work for me.


Have you made it clear that you're polyamorous? I would of thought that the people who want exclusive relationships would avoid polyamorous people, thus filtering them out. It may be that those men are dating because they actually want a long-term relationship, rather than a casual affair.


I'm not polyamorous. I'm in an open relationship. It's not really the same thing.


yea, but you should be clear about it either way.

she said she is clear (as bolded).


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The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Jan 2013, 6:43 am

Oh oops, ok.



hyperlexian
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23 Jan 2013, 6:44 am

we need to do a dating focus group where we can dissect interactions and tell people "aha! see? that is the problem."


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steviewonderau
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23 Jan 2013, 7:27 am

Friend zone is the same as an outright rejection. Reject their offer of friendship and have nothing to do with them.



hyperlexian
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23 Jan 2013, 7:34 am

steviewonderau wrote:
Friend zone is the same as an outright rejection. Reject their offer of friendship and have nothing to do with them.

who said they have offered friendship instead of something else? :scratch: i don't think you have bothered to actually read any of the posts in the thread, or even the OP.


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