Is It a Good Idea for Autistics to Be Parents?

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That sounds horrible, I know, but let me explain.

I'm Autistic. Actually, like most people here, I have Asperger's and was diagnosed a little over a year and a half ago.

Since being diagnosed, I've had to quit work, and I've had a huge decrease in functionality. I am pending disability, and that's all very annoying. And more importantly not pertinent to this question. Anyways, in January last year I had a very early miscarriage, and since then (wasn't trying to get pregnant at the time) have been absolutely set on having a child. Hubby was hesistant because he doesn't think he'll make a good dad, since he grew up without knowing his dad... but in Oct finally agreed that in the new year (2013) we could try for a child.

Well.... I kind of had a major meltdown the other day- and my meltdowns are mainly (this one included) shut-downs where I become unresponsive to various degrees. Hubby got me through it, and then said he doesn't think we can have children so long as I'm having meltdowns.


I understand that part. I want the best for my kids, and I don't want to neglect them ever... but I am having a hard time understanding this because I don't control meltdowns... and I will likely always have them... So in a sense.... isn't he saying it's best if he and I never have kids?

And I just can't handle this conclusion. I need a kid. I feel like my life is missing a vital part of it and have felt this way since the miscarriage. I know that I'll likely always feel that way, even with a living child, but at least I'd have a living child that I could care for and love and take care of.

Anyways.... can anyone help me out of this conclusion? How to convince hubby that it's OK. That I will be a good mother ( I know I will). And that the meltdowns won't negatively effect our child(ren)?

The fact that you're worrying about whether you'll be a good parent to your child is a good sign. I don't know if it's a good idea to be a parent when you have Asperger's, but that, plus the fact that you know you have Aspergers and can be better prepared for whatever happens means there's a good chance you can be a great parent.

hadapurpura: Thanks. I'm researching what I can... and I think I may have found a way out of this. wnat to solidify my theory before I say anything though.

i have AS and i was a good summer mom to my fiance's daughter from a previous marriage. we loved each other and played and sang songs together. so, yes, i think aspies can make great parents.

I've said it before, but it is still my firmly held belief that people with AS can be brilliant parents, terrible parents or anywhere in between, just as NT parents can be.

If you need additional support because of specific difficulties, that does not necessarily make you a bad parent either - all parents need a bit of help and advice from time to time, whether they get it from friends and relatives or professionals. Causing your child(ren) to suffer by struggling on alone is far worse in my opinion.

Sounds like you'll both be great parents. The issue of meltdowns is something that can be addressed. If you can't get rid of the meltdowns entirely, is there a way that you can predict when they are coming up, or when you would likely need more support? Are there general lifestyle changes e.g. diet that you can make to reduce the likelihood of a meltdown? Can you carry a duress alarm to notify your husband or family when you need help? These are just ideas off the top of my head - I'm sure you and your hubby can come up with better ideas if you sit down and brainstorm together. The most important thing is to have the attitude of 'how are we going to do this' rather than 'we can't do this because...'

Every parent has difficulties they need to overcome. Even with all the planning in the world, accidents can still happen. Accident and Emergency departments are full of children with worried parents who did everything right but their child still got into trouble. Children are fairly resilient beings. Try to stay calm and rational.

I think an Aspergers parent would be a great parent. Think of the strengths that you have - routine, for example, is very good for kids. There are many others.

I always say to people that they should not have children unless they really want them, it is so demanding, and in my mind, kids deserve parents who are prepared to make the sacrifices necessary, and to love them. The world does not need more children growing up hurt and feeling unloved.
I still feel this way, but now I know I have aspergers, so I guess I can tell you my experiences.
I feel very little about my husband. He is damaged, and always said he loved me, and I 'let it happen' (not having any idea that he was damaged at the time). But there is no doubt I love my kids. I really love them. I love looking into their eyes, I love hugging them, I love watching them grow and develop.
When they were around the 2-3 yr mark, they would have tantrums or just annoying full-on little kid behaviour and I'd get frustrated. There were times I'd sit, freeze, shut my eyes, and imagine picking them up and throwing them into the wall, or out of the window. I did that because it was a way to act out the frustration I felt without actually hurting them. They might have hurt themselves while I was in this mode, and might be crying because mummy was ignoring them, but they were much safer then they would have been if I did not mentally 'duck out' for a while.'
Sometimes I do 'lose it' and scare them. I often apologize afterwards, and feel like crap, but I have never inflicted real harm on them.
That's the negative. Plus I have trouble organizing the house. And feeding them stuff they like.
On the positive side, I have tons of patience, and take the time to explain everything to them. I might say 'mum is not perfect, I make mistakes, and am wrong sometimes, but I am still in charge and you still have to obey my every command' which of course they don't. I don't punish them without them understanding why they are being punished, and how they can avoid it in the future. I give them respect, freedom to make choices within boundaries, and help with their homework. I ask them every day how school was, what was good or bad about it etc. I remember that I often experienced things and it didn't occur to me to tell my mum, so I don't assume they will tell me everything, so I give them an opening to come up with it, and I read their faces when they answer.
They are intelligent, mature for their ages, well behaved, self motivated, active, confident talented kids. They notice that their friends are 'a bit immature', but they hang with them anyway.
I think I am a great Mum, despite my flaws, and I think my being sensitive has benefited them.
You are not me, so you need to think about you own strengths and weaknesses, but if you have some support for when you need to shut down or escape, then you may find having kids will do you the world of good, and show you strength you did not know you had.
But always, the good of the kid comes first. You cannot have a baby 'to cure yourself' if the child will suffer. They are born innocent and don't deserve such a responsibility.

I don't want them as I would pass on the gene plus I don't think I'd be a good mother anyway. I seriously want to get sterlised but the doctors say no. It used to be enough to have a disability and you would get it done regardless.

I think I'm a terrific parent. The fact that you care to question it says everything, and I'm sure you'll be a great mother!

Thank you so much everyone! It bothered me because I could understand hubby's logic, but your responces have helped.

In addition, I've been doing some research and the reason that having my cat helps, is largely thanks to oxytocin, which is also involved a lot with babies. So maybe, just maybe, the meltdowns won't be such a problem.

This is very re-assuring as I had to deal with fits from my mother, and would never want to subject kids to that if I don't have to. It's part of the reason his argument made so much sense. Anyways, I'm feeling much better knowing that there's oxytocin to help, and oxytocin seems to be very effective in making me clear-minded.

I think I am a good parent. I love my son, I like holding him and hugging him and kissing him. I like to rub his head and cheeks and back and tummy. I like sleeping in the same bed with him, I think about him a lot. I like watching him play. I also shower with him because that is the only way I get get cleaned and he gets cleaned that way too. But I get nervous when he stands so close to me and hugs my legs because I am afraid of peeing on him so I tense up. I don't think I am as good at it like the other moms are. I do feel like a parent parent at times but everyone feels that way and sometimes I wonder if I should have even had one in the first place. But I read it's all normal what I go through so I don't feel bad about it anymore. When I do shut down, I shut everything out including my child and he is okay. He is still happy. I have my parents around to help. I also sense my son can sense how I feel so even if I try and act happy and calm, he still knows I don't want to be in the bedroom with him when I put him to sleep so he acts up but yet he will be good for his dad. Kids can sense those things, they can sense if you are happy or if you love them or care about them and it's the feelings that matter to them, not the actions. But just as long as I have support, I can do fine.

That's part of the reason my husband and I have chosen to be childfree. We're very happy with our choice. We love children, but we have many, many reasons for our decision. I tell people my biological clock is set to "dog."

This Christmas my father said that it cuts him to the heart to see the way I struggle with life. He says you can do things yourself that you could never bear for your loved ones to have to do, and it kills him that he can't make life easy for me. That is exactly how I feel; I would never wish my struggles on anyone, much less my own child.

I do sympathize with the OP's feeling that she is missing a vital part of herself, since she does not have a child. That sucks. I've often said that I feel like half a person without a dog! My husband and I have a Welsh Corgi.

I am an Aspie and my boyfriend is an Aspie too! We both want kids and I think we will be great parents!

Ooh a Corgi. We used to have one his name was Zack. I want a furry 'kid' too a cat not sure what breed. I like Abyssinians, Burmese, Siamese.

I am not diagnosed as an aspie yet but docs think its very likely. I've been insanely "baby hungry" for the past year or so. Doc that manages my bipolar disorder and adhd feels I'll make a fine mom, you just have to have safety nets in place. Its good to question these things, do some research, thats what doc is having me do so i have a general idea of pregnancy, birth and parenting

I want a water birth with a midwife in my home..started the research a year ago saying "ill be in the hospital with lots of drugs!!"

I have a birthdaughter, and considering my mother instinct never found me even when I was pregnant, I have no desire to parent a kid. My bf feels the same way. I just don't understand people who had baby fever. I just don't get it. I am the kind of person who is not ruled on a whim by emotions. And the older I get, the more I know I don't want to reproduce. People still look at me funny when I tell them that bf wants to have a vasectomy. They look at me like I ran over their cat and that nobody could possibly ever go without wanting kids. We have felt this way for 8 years already and our minds haven't changed a bit.

"Biological clock set to dog" nice! I'm going to have to use that one next time it comes up lol