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Heidi80
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23 Jan 2013, 6:02 am

I've always been "the black sheep" in the family, but we've still managed to get along somehow. But I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. My mum has a tendency to criticize the choices I make and I'm starting to have enough of it. I was eating at my sister's place yesterday. My mum also attended. I came straight from my add-group and hadn't eaten since breakfast (it was then 6 pm). My mum and my sister started by nagging me about how much I ate. I was really hungry and my sister had bought "luxury food" that I, as a student, can't afford to normally eat. Then they practically ignored me and just talked about my sister's work and relationship. When I pointed out that it was rude that they were just talking about my sister's relationship and hadn't even asked how my girlfriend was, they started telling me that I should get a boyfriend instead of my girlfriend 8O . Like, seriously??? When I explained that what they said was hurtful they acted like what they had said was ok. Then my mum started nagging about how ungraitful I was for not thanking her for the money she gave me (I was still angry about the boyfriend comment). How am I going to get them to treat me like an adult and accept my life choices?



nessa238
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23 Jan 2013, 6:43 am

It sounds as if you aren't living in a very supportive environment :(

You might need to look for support elsewhere e.g from your girlfriend, friends and/or other relatives and leave your mother and
sister to get on with it

I would thank your mother for the money she gave you but try and avoid situations where you are having to compete with your sister for your mother's attention

I don't know how old you are and if you are at college or work but ultimately you should be looking to move out and be independent at some point in the future so that you can escape this kind of demoralising atmosphere and not be reliant on your mother for money - then you will have more control over the situation.



Venusflower67
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23 Jan 2013, 7:26 am

I can soooooo relate to how you feel and what you are going through, Heidi. I am going through similar right now since I began my relationship with my partner who is trans. You are right, it does hurt. You want your family to happy for you because you are so happy to have a loving companion in life. The last time I went to my parents' place my partner and I got told basically that all the bad stuff in my life, how my ex husband and former partner treat me is due to my actions (this is somewhat true, but hey, that was 15-20 years ago!), even so much as to say it was my fault I was raped and abused coz they were the 'type of men' I chose to be with :( .

So I guess what I am saying is that yes, I understand what you are dealing with, and as how to deal with it, I'm not sure as I am still trying to figure that one out myself :wink: I don't think we will be too successful in changing our family's point of view though, especially in the short term. Right now I still feel too angry and hurt to offer any real advice except to agree with nessa's suggestions and for you to know that your situation is not an isolated case, (unfortunately).

Feel free to pm me if ever you wanna chat :)

ciao

Maz :)



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23 Jan 2013, 7:48 am

Oh yes, this sounds so familiar.

It's horrible to constantly be bombarded with questions like: "Why aren't you married yet? When are you going to have children?" and the like.

No one really bothers asking if I actually want to get married or have children (I am strongly inclined to answer "no"). What's the rush anyway?


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Aspinator
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23 Jan 2013, 8:57 am

If someone touches a hot stove, they recoil and will not touch it again. You should view your relationship with your family the same way. They are "hot" and toxic to your well-being. Don't tolerate it, (please note this is my opinion only)



Chloe33
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27 Jan 2013, 11:24 am

Heidi80 wrote:
I've always been "the black sheep" in the family, but we've still managed to get along somehow. But I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. My mum has a tendency to criticize the choices I make and I'm starting to have enough of it. I was eating at my sister's place yesterday. My mum also attended. I came straight from my add-group and hadn't eaten since breakfast (it was then 6 pm). My mum and my sister started by nagging me about how much I ate. I was really hungry and my sister had bought "luxury food" that I, as a student, can't afford to normally eat. Then they practically ignored me and just talked about my sister's work and relationship. When I pointed out that it was rude that they were just talking about my sister's relationship and hadn't even asked how my girlfriend was, they started telling me that I should get a boyfriend instead of my girlfriend 8O . Like, seriously??? When I explained that what they said was hurtful they acted like what they had said was ok. Then my mum started nagging about how ungraitful I was for not thanking her for the money she gave me (I was still angry about the boyfriend comment). How am I going to get them to treat me like an adult and accept my life choices?


It is hard when family isn't supportive of one's sexuality choices and in general.
At first when i came out to mother she was very angry and threatened to kick me out (thanks to my case manager this never happened).
Yet it took awhile, however my mother came so far. She went from not accepting my sexuality to being completely accepting and letting my GF live with us. To top all that, my mother and grandmother consider my GF another daughter/granddaughter so she is forever in our family.

Sometimes it's hard for parents at first, sometimes they can change their views for the better, as in my situation.
In other cases i have heard stories that are horrible where parents never ended up accepting their kid's sexuality.
These things don't happen overnight, it can take a parent awhile sometimes. Some parents are automatically accepting of their child's sexuality. Others need help and work on accepting. Some may never. However to look on the bright side, your mother is aware of your gf.
Although she'd rather see you with a bf, at least she has not disowned you. So i think she may be able to accept more and more.



Matto
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27 Jan 2013, 11:54 am

Heidi80 wrote:
they practically ignored me and just talked about my sister's work and relationship. When I pointed out that it was rude that they were just talking about my sister's relationship and hadn't even asked how my girlfriend was, they started telling me that I should get a boyfriend instead of my girlfriend 8O . Like, seriously??? When I explained that what they said was hurtful they acted like what they had said was ok.

I understand what's happening to you, because this describes my relationship with my parents, except I was never lectured about sexuality tastes. My parents never seemed to listen to me.

Late at night, my brother always went into my parents' room and me and my sister were in our rooms, going to bed, I would press my ear against the wall, and listen to what they talked about. My parents talked much more nicely towards my brother and my sister and not so much to me. I suspect it was because they were NT but I wasn't. I felt like my sister was the only member of my family that truly understood me.

Being the middle child, though, I feel like I have to compete for attention much more than my brother and sister do (she's the oldest, he's the youngest). My parents love my sister because she's very successful. My brother is in college now, but was praised for being athletically gifted. When I ask my parents what I'm special for, they can't answer or give a similar answer.


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emimeni
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27 Jan 2013, 8:31 pm

My parents can't accept the fact that I would be really hard-pressed to find an employer that not only hire me, but then bite their tongue about my need to isolate. I can totally relate, unfortunately. :roll:


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answeraspergers
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27 Jan 2013, 9:33 pm

The females in your family sound rather unpleasant. Did you get any of this luxury food?

I can wholly relate to what you are saying.

You need to be ruthless about boundaries.



Callista
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27 Jan 2013, 9:58 pm

The way your family treats you is not right. Honestly, you may have to reconcile yourself to the idea that they may never grow up. I've had to do that with my own mother. It helps to remember that yes, parents can be wrong; and that when they criticize you for being who you are, they are wrong.

It's certainly not right to criticize you for eating too much (when presumably they have plenty of food), and then change the topic of conversation only to tell you that you should break up with your girlfriend just because she is a girl. That's just plain rude. If you'd eaten the last of their food or your girlfriend were abusive, it would be understandable. But they weren't short of food and they had no good reason to dislike your girlfriend.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that happened to you. Families should support each other. I wish yours supported you.


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28 Jan 2013, 12:57 am

Sad how your family bigotry and hate runs so deep, they would treat you this way. Time to get away from them, and their intolerance.