Venting

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I can empathize with you on the feelings you have. You're right, anxiety is hell and meltdowns are hell. For me, I overthink. It is crippling as well and it can be difficult for me to get things done because I have to regurgitate all of these thoughts out. I think in a very systematic way and algorithmic way.

I have problems when steps in a process are skipped and I don't know how we arrived at the last step. I become anxious and freak out. My wife is the type who does not want to read the instructions when putting things together. I do. She sees things more in a holistic manner. I am more sequential. I do not and I don't know how to see things in her way. She does things in a A-B-D-A-B-C type manner. I don't think like this. I don't know how to even conceive and think this way. I think in an A-B-C-D manner. When she is telling me something she always starts in the middle of a topic without giving me a background to what is going on. She'll start off with C without telling me A and B.

I ask her questions and I expect accurate answers and when I don't I freak out. I base what I need to do and formulate my solutions on accurate information. If the information is inaccurate or contradictory I don't know what to do. If the input given to me is garbage the output I produce will be garbage as well. I love her a lot and have learned not to make a fuss. I am getting better at not freaking out.

Is your husband like this? How do you effectively deal with it?

My husband is actually patient with me and I think he coddles me too much. But he doesn't like me to be stressed out. I used to think lot of aspies were being lazy and using their AS as an excuse and being weak for not being a hard worker. But I realize now it's too stressful for them and exhausting so they like a break. Even I have been hard on myself and always called myself lazy. I still call myself lazy but not the others. Even in high school I felt lazy and felt I didn't put much effort into my work but I knew if I tried doing it the same way as everyone else, it would lead to meltdowns and frustrations and never getting it done. So I felt I took the easy way out by accepting the help and letting the teachers do it however they want to. I even felt I didn't deserve to be on the honor roll. My shrink told me it's not that I am lazy, I just find it hard so I avoid it.

I once did a autism test and it was created by an autistic man to demonstrate what it's like to be autistic. He used three scenes out of the movie and it was all in text and he doesn't mention their feelings or facial expressions and he asks us how did each character felt in each scene. i just skipped the questions because I didn't know and I didn't want to bother guessing because I was too lazy for that and didn't have the patience. At the end of the test he write that he wasn't expecting you to answer any of those questions because it's difficult for autistic people to understand emotions and feelings and people tell them they need to try harder and aren't trying hard enough because they weren't even trying. What I got out of that is "So they are just lazy then because they don't want to do the effort to work out peoples feelings and all" because that was what I did on the test. Of course if you had seen those movies, then it would have been inaccurate because you would know the scenes and know the movie and know how the characters are possibly feeling. That test was posted somewhere on here and I don't remember what thread it was in but it was sometime in 2012 I think.

It's probably me. I'm home sick today so my thinking isn't very sharp. Reading that particular post reply made me have to think closely at the details of your point.



It's irrelevant, really. It was for a high school entrance program. I liked it because it's all based through technology (laptop, iPad), it's a smaller class size (20), and they do a lot of hands-on community work. They even travel outside of the city for a week at a time (x3). I think my son does well with technology (or better) and he understands information better when he's directly involved.


Well, the program is designed for NT students.. and NT's are accustomed to specific set of social rules that everyone "needs" to abide by. As you said so, yourself, what a hard worker is to one person, may not be the same for another. For example, my son implied (on the questionnaire) that he wasn't as hard of a worker "as he could be" (and I say that because he didn't choose the perferred answer -a-). So to him, he may have thought he is NOT a hard worker because he's unable to execute his assignments independently. To them (and me, perhaps), we read it as he's not trying hard enough. In hindsight now, it could be a bit of both.



Sorry, not YOU, specifically. The questionnaire was designed for the student taking it. "You", meant, "the student in question".

.. and since you've asked, I'll make one suggestion, and one I've had to adopt myself:

KEEP IT SIMPLE.

You have a wealth of knowledge, and as much as I appreciate your views, it may, at times, get lost in your communication. I often edit the CRAP out of my work to avoid 1) rambling 2) sounding emotional (vs. objectivity) 3) large quantities of content and/or irrelevancies

Just an idea.

Well, can you focus just as well on chores as on leisure activities, and do it cheerfully all the time?

Nope. I do try and hold myself accountable for the things I am responsible for, and that's just part of growing up. Homework is suppose to be hard. If it wasn't hard, we wouldn't be learning. If it's too easy, we'd be bored. So it's just a matter of balance and understanding that we don't always get to do the "fun things" .. and that's an issue we've been dealing with as well.

I agree, but it did sound like you were saying that homework was equivalent to reading chapter books, and that he should be able to do it with the same ease.

Well, not that he should be able to do it at ease but more to do with having the capability of reading it, in the first place. Ok, maybe the text is dry. Who loves that? But is it ok for me to "bail him out" and read it for him? It's dry for me too! I don't care to learn about rocks and minerals. LOL I guess I reacted because, again, that whole thinking of "mom will do it for me".. is getting out of control and I want him to know I will help him when he's genuinely struggling. Having said that, though, just because one is struggling, it doesn't mean they get a free ticket out.

I understand what you're saying. We all will have to do things we don't like to do. I hate taking the trash out but I know it has to be done. When I used to work at Kroger I had to clean the toilets as it was a part of my job. The customers did not take care of the toilets that well. In addition, I had to clean the women's bathroom as well. There were a few times I had to clean up period blood. I hated that but I knew it had to be done and someone had to do it. Believe me, sometimes my previous job as a courtesy clerk was a nasty job but I had to do it.

I have to literally clean up human feces before off the toilets and the floor as well.

In addition, because my SO was allergic to hornets and we didn't have the money at the time I had to kill the hornet's nest myself with special hornet's spray by raid. I had to make sure I was protected with my coat. I could've been stung if I made a wrong move. I was very afraid but I had to do it.

I was in a similar situation except I called my landlord to do the job. I was scared too LOL

I suggest that you get your son to do his own homework asap. It sounds like he can do his own work at school, like the teachers said he is diligent. But at home, he knows that he can get away with you doing things for him, so he makes less effort.

He has a support worker to help him at school. I didn't mean to imply he does his work independantly, at school .. just that they see he works hard. That could be with support. He struggles academically. Tonight, I helped him minimally - and he struggled. I could tell. But it's good practice for him. I'd rather him do less and take longer than do more with less time and with my help. Maybe that's the key.

I will try to do as you ask and try to keep it simple. Sometimes I get carried away

I do have to ask, how do you perceive that I have a wealth of knowledge. I do have some knowledge but a wealth I do not think so. What I have is more questions than answers.

I do not see myself as a god, having vast knowledge or wisdom. What I do claim is to be ignorant in many areas and I do seek the vast knowledge and wisdom that everyone else seems to have.

How can the claim be made that I have a wealth of knowledge when I can barely even run my own life and determine things like what morality and appropriateness is?

I would caution you not to read too much into this. Take a look at League Girl's initial response.

DS is always telling me he is a "bad" boy (these break my heart) and that he's "lazy" and "stupid." This is because he is measuring himself against NT standards and he doesn't understand that there is implied willfulness in the use of the first two words.

Your son may well be struggling mightily to do his work, and may really, really NEED your help - and, measuring his lack of success at independence against his peers, he might have chosen that answer. I found this to be true after similar struggles with my son - and then he started going to the school's "homework club," came home and said "Geez, Mom - the teachers give me WAAAY more help than you do!"

They do better for the teachers than they do for us because they know the social and emotional cost of defying a teacher (humiliation in front of their peers, punishment at school, possibly being sent to a more restrictive classroom - DS was always afraid of being "held back" even though our district doesn't do that) vs the social and emotional cost of asking for what they really need in a safe environment at home. That's on top of the difficulties our kids usually have just sitting in a classroom filled with potential miscommunication, sensory overload, unpredictable transitions, and possibly bullies.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't push for more respectful behavior at home, but sometimes it's helpful to remember what our kids are going through in school and why they fall apart. It also helps to remember that misbehavior at home and good behavior at school is in some ways a compliment that you're doing it right: your son feels safe with you. That's nothing to sneeze at for a kid on the spectrum.