I'm absolutely terrified of being considered creepy.

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MountainLaurel
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31 Jan 2013, 6:34 pm

Quote:

I use visualization all the time, especially with abstract concepts like this. I like this metaphor, especially since my profession (weather) is entirely about taking a chance based on things you THINK you know...

Quote:

like dating, running a good race is an art form, or at best, an inexact science.

I thought you might be adept at visualization as a tool; it's hard to imagine a successful athlete not using it.

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(weather) is entirely about taking a chance based on things you THINK you know...

The concept of going forth and acting on what we think we know is very interesting to me. For the past 3 decades I have been noticing that; what is amazing to me is not why I fail at some things, but how often I succeed, given my incomplete knowledge and how many things could go wrong, but didn't. Success rate seems to far outstrip any reasonable odds. (I observe this not just with myself but with others, too.) I have no explanation for this except that there may be something spiritual afoot and it might have to do with humility. (Going forth with one's meager skills & efforts, in good faith, in order to do complicated tasks.)

Quote:

I think, after tomorrow, I may take a break from this site, perhaps permanently (after tomorrow because I want to see people's responses to various things I've posted, as well as find out what "leitmotif" means). It's starting to take up too much of my time and too much of my thoughts. Aside from that, if that long-winded metaphor I just typed means anything, it's that the warm-up period of planning, talking, thinking, worrying.... that's over. I'm on the line and it's time to RACE!

You're wise to take a break from quandary and concentrate on action. I'm gunna miss ya, though. It was fun getting to know you a bit. Go with grace.

MountainLaurel
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31 Jan 2013, 6:49 pm

Quote:

I'll be injured when I'm actually injured. And even then, unless my leg's broken or something, I'll probably run through it.

I am declaring this the quote (metaphor) of the day.

Pabalebo
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01 Feb 2013, 1:13 am

MountainLaurel wrote:

You're wise to take a break from quandary and concentrate on action. I'm gunna miss ya, though. It was fun getting to know you a bit. Go with grace.

Why thank you. As I've told you a couple times before, Thanks for the davice, it's been the most helpful ive encuontered on this site. I'm a little drunk at the moment, it is Thursday night after all, and I know it's technically the day after tomorrow, after I said I'd quit tomorrow, but I never actually checked here yesterday. I kept my promise and did actually take action toward my goals in the past 24 hours. I'm racing now... not very fast, but I'm racing. Admittedly, I didn't take any action toward my dating goals tonight, but I did apply for three jobs today, another one of my goals that I'm (slightly less) afraid to face. I'll face my fear of rejection eventually, perhaps this weekend. Perhaps I'll let you know when I succeed. Perhaps not. I don't know. Being on this sit e gives helpful advice but makes me less confident at the same time... it's an odd paradox. Even being off it for a day made me more confident... and I think I've gotten all the advice I can possibly get here... It seem s like its just becoming a refrain of the same type of statements, and I don't wan t to be that guy who gets the same advice and makes the same complaints but never actually DOES anything with it.

So tahnk you, MountainLaurel, and anyone else who has given me good advice on this site, and I wish you all the best in everything you do. I'm blocking this site from my browsers for at least the next two weeks, so that I'm not tempted to relapse into complaints and negativity about life, and so that I can make an honest attempt at acheiving my goals, but I promise I'll check back in two weeks to let you know what's going on.

Thanks again, and godspeed,

Pabalebo (aka Jimmy Bielli)

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Pabalebo
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01 Feb 2013, 1:24 am

unduki wrote:

Oh dear... well, stop it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gyL1QFcls0

I know it's supposed to be comedy... but seriously, best advice ever. I'd pay this guy like a million bucks to tell me this hahahaha.

NO EXCUSES DO THE WORK!

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Pabalebo
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01 Feb 2013, 1:28 am

Pabalebo wrote:

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I ran my first 5k race ever... like dating, running a good race is an art form, or at best, an inexact science. I know I was nervous as all hell... I was the fat kid on the team, by far the worst runner. But the gun went off and I "ran" the race... pretty terribly. I was dead last in the entire race by over 5 minutes. The football team of the school we were racing against laughed at me as a struggled to run 9-minute miles past their practice field. It was f***ing humiliating and I wanted to quit. Yet here I am, 8 years later, able to run 5.5 miles faster than I could run 3 in that first race. How did I convince myself to gut it out, and turn off my nervousness whenever I'd go to run? Maybe it's because I knew, the gun was going off whether I was ready for it or not, so I might as well be ready for it. That's what I did... I turned off my brain, turned off the noise of my thoughts.... "What if I'm last again?" "What if those as*holes laugh at me again?" etc, etc... and just ran. And it worked. And now instead of being the fat kid that got laughed at for being so slow, I'm a marathon runner, president of a track club, and a ranked cross country runner on a pretty decent collegiate team.

That was in the area of running, where humiliating things actually HAPPENED TO ME. This current problem is in the area of dating, where NOTHING humiliating has actually happened to me yet. It's like I'm dressed in all my racing stuff, on the start line, the gun goes off, and I either just stand there or start jogging, because I'm afraid if I take one serious step I'll injure myself. Or, best case scenario so far, I start racing, and then start walking after a couple hundred yards because I think I MIGHT feel a twinge in my leg (metaphor for awkwardness). You're right, that's a f***ing stupid way to race or train, and an equally f***ing stupid way to live life, and I'm done doing it that way. I need to learn to live life the way I race: all out. I'll be injured when I'm actually injured. And even then, unless my leg's broken or something, I'll probably run through it.

I think, after tomorrow, I may take a break from this site, perhaps permanently (after tomorrow because I want to see people's responses to various things I've posted, as well as find out what "leitmotif" means). It's starting to take up too much of my time and too much of my thoughts. Aside from that, if that long-winded metaphor I just typed means anything, it's that the warm-up period of planning, talking, thinking, worrying.... that's over. I'm on the line and it's time to RACE!

I'm also copying this into a Word document so I can read it whenever I want. If I do say so myself, I've given MYSELF some pretty damn good advice here. This s**t is f*****g POETIC hahahahah!

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Pabalebo
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01 Feb 2013, 1:32 am

But seriously, goodbye for at least two weeks now. I've delayed long enough. Blocking this site as soon as I close this browser.

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ripped
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01 Feb 2013, 7:31 am

I know your browser is off, so you're not going to read this...

Your trouble is, you are in a small town. You don't want to come across as creepy, okay.
Then you don't want to come across as a million other things besides.
What you need is a place where your mistakes wont blacklist you forever in your own town.
Those PUA's you don't like the label of. I know they are hated as jerks, but every one of them was a nerd, or a geek, or you guessed it, a creep in the eyes of the people they knew.
You cannot act on uncertainty, only on facts. That's what PUA's are. They are nerds who learned the facts of attraction.
Forget about the PUA label, learn everything about attraction you can.
Hook up with someone in the nearest city or town and try out what you have learned there.
Chances are you'll get a woman there, and then the girls in your home town will start treating you like you are hot. But don't do it alone. Learn form somebody or learn with somebody.

Pabalebo
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10 Feb 2013, 2:29 am

So yeah... in the past week and a half, since I stopped focusing on my problems and started focusing on my solutions, I've done the following (enough that I decided to remove my block early) ahhaha:

- Applied for 10 different jobs.
- Completely caught up on homework.
- Gone out dancing at the bars somewhat successfully 5 out of 10 nights. Haven't technically lost my virginity yet, but I've gotten a couple of kisses and I've had a good time every time.
- Gotten back to running, at a fast pace. It makes me feel good.
- Learned to have fun on a night out without getting blackout drunk. Probably my greatest accomplishment.

Yeah, I'm bragging a bit... not trying to sound like a conceited as*hole... but I feel like I've earned it.

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Pabalebo
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10 Feb 2013, 2:55 am

And I've learned not to care (as much) what people think of me. Actually, that's the greatest accomplishment of the last 10 days. Better than learning to have fun without being blackout ret*d drunk. Also, just as I long ago figured out the difference between a whore and a sexually experienced woman, I've figured out the difference between a PUA dickhead and a guy who approaches a lot of women. I'm making a concerted effort to be the latter. I'll leave my browser unblocked from this site for overnight, see what replies I get to different thing I've posted in tonight, and then block it again in the morning... see how much more I can accomplish when I focus on solutions rather than problems!

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Tyri0n
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10 Feb 2013, 3:47 am

Pabalebo wrote:

This has to be my fundamental, underlying problem.

I think one of the things about AS is that we draw every thought out to it's logical conclusion somewhere in hyperbole... for example, at one point I took my libertarian political views to such an extreme that I considered myself an anarchist for about a year. Anyway, I digress...

How does this relate to dating? Well, as a forever logical Aspie, I base my conclusions on facts I know. Therefore:
Fact #1: Women reject guys they consider creepy.
Fact #2: Women consider a lot of things creepy, and I don't know what all of them are.
Fact #3: Women talk to each other about their feelings.
Conclusion: If one woman finds me creepy, everyone in town will think so in a couple of days. Goodbye social life.

This conclusion very often prevents me from even trying. And on the occasions that I do try, and on which, in retrospect, I probably could have succeeded fairly easily, it causes me to purposefully put myself in the friendzone as quickly as possible, in order to not seem like a threat (aka creepy).

While this conclusion has been great for me in some respects (it's given me a lot of friends, as well as a reputation, perhaps undeserved, as a good guy), it is absolutely KILLING my sex life.

The logic I use to come to that conclusion seems pretty threadbare... there has to be a hole in it somewhere. I need to break that logical hyperbole...

I'm very much like you, never been called creepy--hell, two girls took me out tonight in the bad part of town--but I'm always afraid of it. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's better to stick to dating sites and very obvious flirting/aggression for dating. Let those girls you meet the normal way be good friends.

ripped
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10 Feb 2013, 6:00 pm

Pabalebo wrote:

Damn straight you've earned it.

Just a tip, next time you see a guy out clubbing who is obviously more successful with women, and he is on his own, start hanging out with him. If he seems Ok ( does not denigrate anyone, especially you ) ask him how much easier it is to pick up ( a potential girlfriend ) when you have company.
Girls almost always go out in groups of two or more, and rarely split. So if you can't occupy or satisfy her friend, then you usually wont be getting her either.
But it is better to go out alone than with anyone who will say bad things about you when you turn your back.

unduki
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10 Feb 2013, 11:44 pm

Learning not to care so much about what others think is easier said than done. I wish you the best of luck with that. I pretty much think it's impossible, because what others think does matter. You just need to find some kind of balance. ...just...

It takes time so don't let yourself get discouraged. There will be setbacks. You deal with them as they come along and do your best to keep your focus.

And try to approach women as people first.

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Pabalebo
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12 Feb 2013, 9:27 pm

ripped wrote:

Damn straight you've earned it.

Well thank you sir. I like to think so too.

Quote:

I don't usually go out to the bars alone. I usually go out with friends. The guys I see out alone don't usually seem that successful, and usually do seem like douchebags.

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Pabalebo
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12 Feb 2013, 9:41 pm

unduki wrote:

"because what others think does matter"... OK, you've got me there. The way I've taken to trying to get around it is the idea that no matter what I do, someone, somewhere, will approve. Definitely making that philosophy more difficult to live by is the fact that I live in an isolated Vermont town of 1300 people...

Quote:

It takes time so don't let yourself get discouraged. There will be setbacks. You deal with them as they come along and do your best to keep your focus.

Man... these past two weeks my focus on improving EVERYTHING about myself has been ridiculous. It's actually pretty damn impressive. But yeah, definitely need to keep this pace.

Quote:

And try to approach women as people first.

I have two sisters, live with a platonic female friend, and I'd say more than half of my friends are girls. If anything, this is my problem... if anything, I'm not ENOUGH of a douche...

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Pabalebo
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12 Feb 2013, 9:53 pm

Tyri0n wrote:

So far, this is pretty much what I've done (unsuccessfully), but personally I think dating sites are a cop-out... just as much of a form of "giving up" as resigning myself to a life of celibacy and loneliness, even though I've signed up for a couple in moments of weakness. Never really used them though. The problem letting girls I meet the normal way be good friends is that those are the girls I'm often most attracted to, and hey, why the f**k should I settle for anything else? I'm not someone who gives up easily... I remain convinced that any problem anyone on earth has ever had or will ever have can be solved to their satisfaction with mental strength and fortitude, perseverance, and "growing a pair". Apart from this issue, my experience has never been otherwise.

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MountainLaurel
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13 Feb 2013, 9:44 pm

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Applied for 10 different jobs.

Yesss. I know job hunting is just damned hard. Please do not give up on this. I know that meteorology is a competitive field, but I just have a hunch that there's something for you in the field.......... something about your voice.

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I've gotten a couple of kisses and I've had a good time every time.

I especially like that you had a good time. We are at our most attractive when we are enjoying ourselves; true for everyone.

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Gotten back to running, at a fast pace. It makes me feel good.

Yep.

Quote:

Learned to have fun on a night out without getting blackout drunk. Probably my greatest accomplishment.

Phew! The heavy drinking/partying worries me (and it's not just you; lots of young adults worry me with this). Hang on to the insight that this is a great accomplishment on your part.

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