I'm absolutely terrified of being considered creepy.

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Pabalebo
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17 Feb 2013, 8:59 pm

I thought about your "role-playing" thing... and I came to the conclusion that the reason I'm so terrified of being considered creepy is that I think I'm creepy! :!:

I don't know why I consider myself creepy, and I don't generally ACTIVELY think of myself as creepy... but the only logical conclusion to come to is that, in absence of any external evidence telling me I'm creepy, and even very recent evidence to the contrary (I actually got pulled on to the dance floor by two different girls last night, one of which was a stranger), I must be producing the thought myself somehow.

I ran through the role-playing exercise with myself... that is, I ran through every social situation I've been in in the past month or so, but pretended that all my actions were the actions of a friend of mine that I think is generally considered to be about as physically attractive as myself. I came to the conclusion that if those actions actually were his, I wouldn't consider them creepy, unless they are actions that I've taken while really drunk, in which case I would write them off as the actions of a really drunk guy, not a creeper. Therefore, I can conclude that the things I do and say aren't creepy. That means that the actions only BECOME creepy IN MY MIND when they are attached to ME. Somewhere in my mind, I've attached a stigma to otherwise innocent, normal (OK, maybe not so innocent, but normal nonetheless) actions, just because they were MY actions.

The problem occurs when I dissociate those actions from my friend and reassociate them with me. Suddenly, I see them as creepy again. WHY?! There are ASSLOADS of real-life evidence to contradict that assumption. Just the fact that I even HAVE a social life to run through for this little role-playing exercise should be enough... I never invite anyone to do anything... OTHER PEOPLE contact ME! So why can't I view myself the same way others evidently do?

It's not even just with my social life that I do this... people regularly tell me that I'm smart and that I'm good at my job as a TA... I've never thought either of those things about myself. I also get told I'm a good runner... I believe that one, but only because there's hard, quantifiable evidence to prove it.

It now occurs to me that my first reaction to receiving a compliment is to try to figure out a way to either disprove it or write it off as politeness, ignorance, drunkenness, or something else. With that attitude it's amazing anyone wants anything to do with me... I must be really good at hiding it in real life...


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MountainLaurel
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17 Feb 2013, 10:25 pm

Pab! UGH. I feel like you're so close to a breakthrough.

Quote:
I ran through the role-playing exercise with myself... that is, I ran through every social situation I've been in in the past month or so, but pretended that all my actions were the actions of a friend of mine that I think is generally considered to be about as physically attractive as myself. I came to the conclusion that if those actions actually were his, I wouldn't consider them creepy,

That's very creative, I never thought of role playing by using a mental stand-in to review past interactions.

The clarity with which you've isolated your issue is striking:
Quote:
That means that the actions only BECOME creepy IN MY MIND when they are attached to ME.

And;
Quote:
It now occurs to me that my first reaction to receiving a compliment is to try to figure out a way to either disprove it or write it off as politeness, ignorance, drunkenness, or something else.



I don't want to beat a dead horse; but your fear of being perceived as creepy really is grist for the therapy mill. You've already saved months of therapy time through you own exploration. If you are assigning creepiness to yourself; you have a reason and that reason can be revealed through therapy. Sometimes revelations are freeing.

If you do opt for therapy; the optimal gender of therapist for the client is an important consideration. You might benefit from a female therapist, but I'm not an expert. I mean, if you found a therapist who you came to trust and respect; the reflection of her impressions of you might be somewhat convincing for you and that base could be foundational for the work.

If you have therapy available to you at school why not take advantage of the perk while it lasts?



Pabalebo
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17 Feb 2013, 10:39 pm

Thanks. I have seen her (the therapist) about this stuff... the problem I have is that seeing a therapist makes me feel like, well, someone who needs a therapist... it's similar to the problem I have being on this site... it's an admission to myself that there's something wrong with me, that I have a problem. I feel my best overall when I ignore my problems, but I know that isn't a long-term solution. I'm someone who has a VERY STRONG aversion to appearing weak in any way, especially in real life.

I feel like I'm close to a breakthrough too... but then again, I've felt like that since about November... and it hasn't happened yet.


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Northeastern292
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17 Feb 2013, 10:45 pm

I just deal with it and try to be as not creepy as possible.



Pabalebo
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17 Feb 2013, 10:47 pm

MountainLaurel wrote:
I don't want to beat a dead horse; but your fear of being perceived as creepy really is grist for the therapy mill. You've already saved months of therapy time through you own exploration. If you are assigning creepiness to yourself; you have a reason and that reason can be revealed through therapy. Sometimes revelations are freeing.


Also, I can't help but feel like there really is literally NO good, legitimate reason for me to feel this way... not anymore, anyway. Maybe at one point in my life it was legitimate, but there is absolutely no reason that anyone, myself included, should feel that way about the Pabalebo of 2013.


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B3dsage
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17 Feb 2013, 11:17 pm

MountainLaurel wrote:
Pab! UGH. I feel like you're so close to a breakthrough.


I have had precisely the same problem for years. Therapy helped me see the problem, but I haven't gotten anywhere with it. Still the same creep I was, just even more self conscious about it now. :?


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MountainLaurel
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17 Feb 2013, 11:23 pm

Quote:
the problem I have is that seeing a therapist makes me feel like, well, someone who needs a therapist.............. I'm someone who has a VERY STRONG aversion to appearing weak in any way, especially in real life.

I can understand the aversion to appearing weak. But stuff is wrong with us and getting therapy is a strong response to our problems. I'm currently in physical therapy for knee dysfunction. I don't even know how it happened. The doc said it's from walking the earth for almost 60 years. The therapy is making me stronger and more agile. But get this; two of the exercises actually realign stuff in my knees and hips. The therapist gauges the realignment with a protractor. I can verify it because what hurts before the realignment movements, doesn't, after performing them.

I always knew about and sporadically use strengthening and stretching exercises and activities. But, realignment through specific movements is a revelation to me. It took a physical therapist to discover what would work for me.

Psychological therapy works pretty much the way physical therapy does. The therapist fishes around and tries lots of stuff that doesn't work, but when they hit on one thing or a few things that do work, then stuff can start getting fixed.


Quote:
I feel like I'm close to a breakthrough too... but then again, I've felt like that since about November... and it hasn't happened yet.

Oh boy. My experience is that psychological therapy is quite a bit slower than physical therapy. The physical therapist found a beneficial realignment movement for me in the 1st hour. I didn't start getting any significant relief from psychological issues for months in that kind of therapy. But once the dominoes started falling, progress was steady and gratifying.



Last edited by MountainLaurel on 18 Feb 2013, 12:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

MountainLaurel
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17 Feb 2013, 11:55 pm

Quote:
I can't help but feel like there really is literally NO good, legitimate reason for me to feel this way... not anymore, anyway. Maybe at one point in my life it was legitimate, but there is absolutely no reason that anyone, myself included, should feel that way about the Pabalebo of 2013.

Right. That's why I say work with a therapist. You work hard at introspection and have good insight and a strong intellect. You've been analyzing and experimenting; you've come along. But, when you hit the wall go to an expert.

I worked as a pattern maker in the garment industry and then had my own small manufacturing business for 20 yrs. I have been around sewing machines all my adult life and can almost always fix the damned things. When I can't it's because what's wrong needs a better expert than me; someone with more tools, parts and experience; someone who specializes in sewing machines.

Some are better than others; my guy in NYC was perfect. The guy in CT is harder to deal with and there's always something a little crooked on the machines thereafter, but they work. Same with therapists; I've worked with three; the 1st and the latest of them were helpful; I am grateful for the breakthroughs and groundwork they established and they were available when I was in need. The one in between was nothing short of miraculous for me. (Alas, she moved to different region.)



MountainLaurel
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18 Feb 2013, 12:19 am

Quote:
I have had precisely the same problem for years. Therapy helped me see the problem, but I haven't gotten anywhere with it. Still the same creep I was, just even more self conscious about it now. :?

Some therapists are good at revealing the problem. And sometimes that's enough to solve it. There are therapists, though, who have tools to help people develop new skills or defeat bad habitual manifestations. They do more than just listen, ask questions and give opinions. They actually find exercises that work to change how the client functions. Please don't stop trying. Try a different therapist or a different modality. Feel your self consciousnesses and walk through it as through a fog. Embarrassment has no more resistance than that if you decide to pierce through it. I know you'll need to brave the self consciousnesses simply in order to approach therapy again or find a different therapist. You're worth the effort.



B3dsage
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18 Feb 2013, 1:10 am

I guess by "self conscious" I meant that now that I am aware the problem is that I see myself as creepy, I actually see myself as even creepier. Maybe because I really am quite angry at women and, on some level, actually SHOULD be setting off women's creeper alerts. Being more aware that I do actually have some harmful urges, I'm even more reluctant to engage with women at all or to even spend time in their presence. Sort of a self-imposed prison for crimes I've not committed. I guess in a way it's a positive thing that I for which I should respect myself greatly- my urge to protect is so much stronger than the urge to harm that I will protect others even to the point of sacrificing my happiness to do so.


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Pabalebo
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22 Feb 2013, 12:37 am

Well. I finally did it. I got called creepy! And it was awesome, because it wasn't that bad at all! I didn't get called creepy by the girl, but by one of my friends. At the bar tonight, my best friend's semi-ex-girlfriend-type of person-thing got really drunk, and tried to have sex with me (yes, the same one from a few weeks ago). I turned her down again... but I said something along the lines of "That's a terrible idea, but I'm approaching the drunk level where I think it's a good idea"... and my roommate Kumar called me creepy. First time that anyone's ever said I was creepy. And I didn't really give a f**k. This is pretty awesome.


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B3dsage
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22 Feb 2013, 2:35 am

Haha well then, congratulations on finally being called creepy! :D


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DialAForAwesome
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25 Feb 2013, 9:56 am

Another guy called you creepy, which is why it doesn't hurt.

Wait till a lady you're attracted to does it, then you'll see the difference.


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