Just been dumped and need help

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Riverdale
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03 Jan 2007, 12:31 pm

Hello everyone. I'm an NT female who's gotten such encouragement and help on this site from such caring people. I'm falling apart right now and just need some support and human contact. I don't want to go to friends in person now because I don't want to fall apart in front of them. The Aspie man that I've been involved with for almost two years just sent me an email saying he met someone else and within two weeks, he's serious about her. We had just exchanged Christmas gifts by mail, and I was planning on seeing him again in the next couple of months (we live in different countries). I have been so supportive of him in trying to understand his AS and trying to work through some of our problems. I can't believe this has happened. I'm finding it hard to keep it together right now while I'm typing this. He even told me that he wanted to try living together. I thought a big Aspie trait was loyalty, but apparently not in this case. Right now, I feel like the biggest, gullible fool on earth (BTW, I'm not a teenager in love for the first time. I was trying to be a mature adult! ). Right now, I'm in denial, because if I try to face this now, I'm going to have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself.



Prof_Pretorius
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03 Jan 2007, 1:09 pm

So sorry to hear about your boyfriend leaving you so abruptly. It's OK at a time like this to have a meltdown, but please put any thoughts of hurting yourself out of your head. You've done the right thing in posting here so we can be of support. (I imagine you haven't explored much of the forums with only 28 posts, but do check out the various ones.) As for Loyalty, yes it is an ASpie trait. I know, I've done it for girlfriends that didn't deserve it. But apparently your boyfriend didn't have this trait. The way he broke up with you was rude, and very thoughtless. Reach for some comfort during this hurt, and do take good care of yourself...


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GeomAsp
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03 Jan 2007, 1:32 pm

Hi,

i jus´t want to say that he didn´t know how lucky he was to have someone that understood him and cared. I was dumped for "lacking empathy and not showing any emotions", i wish she was as caring as you were to him.

Well, it´s true loyalty is an aspie thing. Maybe he isn´t one at all. I just want you to know that time will heal your hurts so be patient and try to hang out with your friends a little more. Maybe being busy will help you a little. Take care,

Victor



zebedee
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03 Jan 2007, 1:38 pm

Heya , sorry to hear about what happend - I was in a similair situation some time ago apart from without the email just non communication and it being too expensive for me to fly back to see if I would get a door slammed in my face or if I'd be presented with her new bf - if there even was one.

I'm glad you have somewhere to post - I struggled as I didnt really have anyone to talk to (the one person I had was the person who was causing the upset) so if you need anyone to talk to then do , and please dont hurt yourself - I was there also but convinced myself out of it one day at a time.

Do whatever you need to remind yourself that you're the better person in all this and do whatever normally helps when your feeling fragile (I ended up getting whole seasons of sci-fi shows on dvd and watching those for weeks , eating enormous amounts of comfort food .. and comfort beer)

try not to dwell on things and make yourself the center of your world for as long as it takes to get it back together

take care



shadexiii
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03 Jan 2007, 1:53 pm

There's no reason for you to hurt yourself. You aren't the one who has done anything wrong, and there's no reason for you to be punished. If you need something to take your mind off of the pain, there's lots of people here who are willing to listen, and to talk, or to suggest other things you could focus on or do.

In terms of "traits," people with AS will be just as varied as people without. Not everyone will have every trait, and not every trait will be as greatly expressed from individual to individual. This guy apparently was lacking in the loyalty department, as well as other areas...

There's no reason to feel gullible, or guilty for it. It isn't a bad thing to trust people. Its a bad thing for people ot abuse that trust. Unfortunately trust, like many things in life, involves risk. There's always the risk that the other party won't value and respect your trust, but don't take that as a reason to not trust people. The rewards can outweigh the risks.



SovietChess
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03 Jan 2007, 2:27 pm

whoa i posted on the wrong thread, hope no one got confused about what i posted..
the best thing you can do, as hard as it may be, is to carry on, not sit around.. there is a great book called survivng the loss of a love, which can be used for a break-up or the death of someone close.. alot of what it says it basically: carry on, carry forth, it will get better.. and it does..


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03 Jan 2007, 7:51 pm

Riverdale wrote:
Hello everyone. I'm an NT female who's gotten such encouragement and help on this site from such caring people. I'm falling apart right now and just need some support and human contact. I don't want to go to friends in person now because I don't want to fall apart in front of them. The Aspie man that I've been involved with for almost two years just sent me an email saying he met someone else and within two weeks, he's serious about her.

We had just exchanged Christmas gifts by mail, and I was planning on seeing him again in the next couple of months (we live in different countries). I have been so supportive of him in trying to understand his AS and trying to work through some of our problems. I can't believe this has happened. I'm finding it hard to keep it together right now while I'm typing this. He even told me that he wanted to try living together. I thought a big Aspie trait was loyalty, but apparently not in this case.

Right now, I feel like the biggest, gullible fool on earth (BTW, I'm not a teenager in love for the first time. I was trying to be a mature adult! ). Right now, I'm in denial, because if I try to face this now, I'm going to have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself.


It's the internet.. you should try not to get involved with people on it, I mean because generally someone in real life will take priority over a net person. Not nice, but it's just the way it works.

I know what it feels like to be ditched, and it is not fun. You could try and find something to fill the hole, like perhaps do a flash drawing if you draw, or go to the gym. Anything will help, but time is the only real healer.. I felt this way when a guy I was in love with ditched me and I'm still not over it, but i'm getting there.

Its what you do to pass the time that helps. How about going to a pub with friends? What sort of things do you enjoy?



Riverdale
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04 Jan 2007, 1:39 pm

Thank you, thank you so so much to everyone who has replied. I cried when I reading them. I had to go to work not long after I got my breakup email, and I didn't think that I would make it. Reading your responses got me through those long eight hours. I am still feeling so numb. I had a sleepless night with a bad
dream. I feel totally used and lied to by this man (I feel like he really is an inmature one at that) who claimed that he was so geeky and unlovable,etc. etc. I feel like this experience is a textbook example of an AS/NT relationship gone wrong.
I was so taken in by trying to help this guy. I thought that I was even in love with him. Excuse me, I can't type anymore at the moment. It's still all too much.



sderenzi
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04 Jan 2007, 1:52 pm

I concur with your statement of not getting involved with someone online, it's mostly because you:

A. Don't know how sick you really are of the person
B. Don't know how sick they are of you
C. Don't have a chance to be in a confrontation with them face-to-face
D. Insert Here (any comment)

See people online that aren't AS are not ummm smart? They have other lives, to them online chatting is almost like owning a pet, they like it but only because they have it's company, if they got to know it's needs and desires they wouldn't enjoy it so much.

This guy might not even have AS, it could be some out of the way condition nobody even knows about, heck I know I feel a sense of loyality to alot of people, even ones I don't know LMAO

I'm crazy...

So yeah the other thing is if she lives near, and he is lonely, well... they'd naturally make a sandwich... the sad thing is it probably won't work out then he'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness, or maybe he will just regret it.

:-Z



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04 Jan 2007, 2:09 pm

Riverdale. Names Gamester. I'm the unoffical psychotherapist/analyst of the site.......urm.....more along the lines of practicing, but I can still help. Not to mention that I walk the lines of both NT/AS and I know both worlds. anyhow.

I will tell you this. You got involved, you thought you were doing a good thing. Which I commend you for and I sure others do to. But this was over the interent. First off, I'm not going to go into the rant that I might do at a time like this, you don't need that. But I will tell you this, the fact that this guy was in a different country was probably a bad thing to begin with.

Second off, you did nothing wrong. You fell for a guy who probably (and if I am right, I'm gonna laugh) is chronic liar type person who wanted to make you fall for him, so he used what you think is.......urhm.........cute and fell for a supposedly geeky and unlovable type of guy.

Thrid. Did you actually meet said guy and if you did, did you two ever sleep together? I'm asking this seriously, because part of the reason for your breakdown may be because you realize that he may have used you just to have sex and sleep with you.

I can't think of any more questions at this time to ask, but I want you to know that we, all of us here at WP are here to help. me especially.

Sir Gamester.



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04 Jan 2007, 3:01 pm

Hi Riverdale;

Lacking empathy can be a feature of AS. As such he may have no clue what he did might be hurtful in any way. He made a detached decision. I am sorry you were hurt.

I am glad you are getting support here. One thing I can warn you away from are certain email groups. Some vicious people hang out on those, I ran into some.

It isn't your fault and what happened to you was wrong. Especially the way it happened and the timing with the holidays. For what it's worth you have my support.



shadexiii
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04 Jan 2007, 3:27 pm

sderenzi wrote:
So yeah the other thing is if she lives near, and he is lonely, well... they'd naturally make a sandwich... the sad thing is it probably won't work out then he'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness


and if he does, you should tell him to get lost, though the wording doesn't have to be quite as nice.

Popsicle wrote:
Lacking empathy can be a feature of AS. As such he may have no clue what he did might be hurtful in any way.


I keep seeing this kind of thing, about how X can be a feature of AS, or Y can be a feature of AS, so that may just be how the person is. If their actions hurt someone else, this line of reasoning in no way lessens their responsibility for said actions. It isn't the same as a court case where an insanity plea would be reasonable. (More than that, the insanity plea isn't always used by people, or by lawyers on their behalf, that are..."qualified" to use it, meaning they weren't or aren't insane.) I understand that some people simply wish to explain why it happened, which is reasnable and important, but this simply doesn't fly as an excuse.



Riverdale
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04 Jan 2007, 5:10 pm

Hello again everyone. Again, thank you so much for listening and giving comfort and advice. On one hand, I'd like to go into more detail about what happened as to give an example of AS/NT miscommunication, needs, etc. and to try and help other people on this site navigate dating, relationships,etc. but on the other hand, it's a long story with a lot of emotion (from my side, at least) and I'm not sure some Aspies on this site want to hear the personal details. This is the only site that I've ever chatted on about something like this. I have gotten support from my friends about this, but I wanted to get help, feedback, whatever, from people with AS and maybe other NT's in this situation. No offense to anyone, please, but I feel so stupid and embarrassed right now, and feel so naked, so to speak, putting personal details of this online.

Yes Gamester, we have met and had sex. I knew that he had intimacy and sexual problems before we met. I knew that something was different about him. At first, I thought that he might be gay. After questioning him several times, he insisted that he wasn't. I then thought that he was just very, very shy, inexperienced and a little immature when it came to women. I knew that his brother has AS. It wasn't until we met that I knew something was really different about him.
_I_ wanted a sexual aspect of the relationship, he wanted to wait. There are other traits,etc. that led me to believe he has AS. It wasn't until later after watching a tv program and reading about AS that I thought, 'That's him!' I know that I shouldn't go around like a doctor diagnosing people, but a lot of his actions, non-actions, 'tics',
etc. really screamed AS. The need for space, time alone, sensitivity to food, touch, loud noises, voices, low-sex drive, lack of empathy, understanding. Saying stupid, insensitive things sometimes, then always apologising. Always saying sorry but oblivious to why I was hurt. I never thought that he was dishonest with me until recently. There's much more to this besides his self-confessed geekiness, computer and otherwise.



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04 Jan 2007, 8:24 pm

I see.

well unfortunatly, that leads me to believe that he may have been keeping stuff from you and not telling you the whole truth. It may be, (and remember that this is spectulative, and I have no actual knowledge...well I will do some searching through back channels) that he was with this other woman as well when you two weren't together, and it may have made him make a decision that he would choose one or the other, so he chose the the other, because of the fact that she may have been closer to him in distance or something like that.

I do know that for someone as you described, it leads me to believe that he never actually got help for his condition, which means that either it was diagnosed at a young age, and nothing ever done about it, or that it wasn't found out til more recently. my guess and this is going with what you said, that it sounds like even at his age he doesn't have everything down pat. So I think not only does he ave A.S, but he may be in the high percentile range for it to be mixed with something else. Autism or something to that nature that might make him the way he is.

Again, this is pure speculation, but I've learned to go on very little information a lot, and it works.

anyhow.

I hope you get to feeling better.

Sir Gamester.



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05 Jan 2007, 12:17 am

Riverdale, so sorry to read of your situation. This kind of thing has happened to me too (not in quite the same circumstances, but being told that a guy who professed undying love had suddenly met somebody else).

Sadly, this man is probably incapable of really loving anybody and you can be sure this "other woman" will also get taken advantage of. Hurtful as it is, you've had a lucky escape.

Being Aspies, we often take quite a long time to get over things like this, so give yourself permission to grieve.

One thing I found helpful (though it might sound far fetched) is whenever you find yourself thinking of him, immediately think of something loathsome eg. road kill. The mental association will eventually kill off the attraction you once felt for him.

If he suggests "being friends", don't buy into it. Better to have no further contact with him as it will only upset you further. I know this from personal experience, having mostly "got over" a romantic disappointment, and then having all the old wounds ripped open again when I saw the man again.


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05 Jan 2007, 12:35 am

Thank you Pandora. I was also gonna sugguest that. I think I did. but not like that.

Aye.

another thing. No matter what. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever............(I think you get the point at this)....let him win you back by saying something along the lines of "it was a mistake baby, honestly it was." that will win who are of less sound minds back, but it shouldn't ever work......period.