Just been dumped and need help

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Hi everyone. Again, thank you so much for your advice and support. I'm still trying to deal with getting a three-sentence email from an Aspie man that I was involved with for two years, saying he had found someone else over the holidays and is now serious about them. Don't worry Pandora, Gamester and others- I am NOT contacting him.
I have quick question: Was I wrong to suggest that he go to a doctor and get his probable AS diagnosed and to ask for us to go to couples counsuling (obviously before he broke up with me)?

I'm really sorry this happened to you... I hope it doesn't discourage you from entering relationships with guys who have AS.

not that i'm too good on the topic myself because i got rejected by the AS male that i fell for- but i can definitely offer advice and a kind ear! I think he was wrong for just a three-sentence email. i think if he's been with you seriously for 2 years there are ways to do things and then there are ways to do things... i think he took the easy way out and didn't care who or what he hurt...

did he give you any more particulars than that he just found someone? i think he at least owed you that much and, if anything, that would've had me burning up inside that i didn't know more (for some reason i need to know the WHOLE situation entirely before i can attempt to forget or at least heal).... i wouldn't contact him either but whats the saying? "living well is the best revenge"? just continue to live your life better (the BEST) you can and you'll forget it quick.

i know i met my boyfriend (on/off boyfriend that we've been together for two years this month) online. i honestly don't believe there is much longevity online for a relationship...we've almost broken up more times than i can count on my fingers and toes until we legitimized things by being around each other all the time...not saying that it can't work at all... but i think the chances of it working are increasingly harder because theres that variable you can't control- the people who come into contact with your boyfriend... also because it was solely online (since i believe you did mention you lived in another country) theres a lot that you might've not known about him that he kept from you....but you definitely did the best you could do to keep the relationship going so know that it was all to no fault of your own!

i don't think you did anything wrong and i think you're rather courageous! just keep your head up and fate will find you and give you a gentle push in the right direction (just be glad fate separated you when it did because now you can really discover the beauty in life and love that is all around you just waiting for you!) good luck, my friend!

Hey Caramel.

happy new year.

hows it going?

Awwww its my friend!! ! i'm good, Gamester! How are you doing? How was your New Years? lol mines was ridiculously terrible....i got in a fight for the last 2 hours of the new year with my boyfriend (isn't he just dreamy? lol) didn't even get to kiss him when the new year struck, ended up getting stranded, and not talking to him for the first few hours of the new year...

Oh well...

The way I see it, things couldn't have been any worse... sighhhh... but i think it would make things much better on my end to know that you got that special kiss during new years that you so much deserved! and the guy at my job? still going out of his way to look at me, randomnly talking to me and smiling at me, and acting funny when my boyfriend is around....lol i don't even want to know whats up with all that... awww i miss you and tequila and thought about you both before the new year!

Thanks.

I did not get a kiss. But my sister did. from her boyfriend. Apparently she and her boyfriend who broke up with her in July, they got back together over the break. which I was happy with, and my parents aren't exactly thrilled. Reprase that. they are happy that he's not the 18 year old dude who cheated on her.

There's always next year.

Riverdale

I don't think you were wrong to suggest it. You were in a relationship and it is what you felt would work best for both of you at taht point. You have every right to consider your own feelings/needs in a relationship TOO.

However maybe he was not ready to think about possibly having AS and it was easier for him to go off with someone new and ignore it. That's if he is even in denial or if this is even an issue of importance to him.

He may very well simply be shallow and it may come down to gas mileage or something like that (she lives closer). Who knows. In the long run you are better off with someone who would treat you so callously.

I'm not minimising what you're going through. It has to be very painful.

I'm only saying (my opinion) that in time you will think "I am SO glad I am out of that relationship" or possibly "What did I ever see in him?" or something similar. Because your hurt will turn to anger. And then you will feel well rid of him.

Hi everyone. Please don't think that I'm not posting because something happened to me. I'm not doing anything crazy. That's to everyone here who has been so kind. I'm just very busy with work. Thank you so much for your sweet reply, Caramel I read some of your thread about your Aspie friend and sympathized with you. You seem like a great girl! He doesn't know what he's missing. BTW, I did meet with the man who broke off with me and we did have
a relationship (so I thought) emotionally and physically. Popsicle, thank you, also.
My friends have said the same thing that you did. I don't know. I feel like I could
have pushed this guy, but after two years, I thought we needed to move forward with that and try to work out our problems if we were going to live together (which he said that he wanted to do). I must leave for work now, I'll write more....

Sorry to hear the news but relationships can be a very complicated things at times. The reason why he might have dumped you is that he has found someone with AS, who he relates very much with.

From my experience, I have been very lonely and this loneliness and depression forces me to settle with second best, regardless of whether I see it as a smart or morale move. I was with someone for about two years and because I was not that much in love for her, I was always on the look out for someone else. Eventually I broke up with her because she accused me of stealing some useless item.

Generally speaking: Someone who is not in love with you cannot give his/her loyalty.

Yes, well that's how I'm feeling now, second best. One shouldn't say things that they don't feel about someone and make promises, etc. if it isn't true. This guy really had me fooled by what he had said to me about his feelings and our future together. I still can't believe he could be so callous and cold.

Another NT gal here with an AS guy... huge condolances to you my friend, because no matter how the minds are wired that still SUCKS ARSE that it's happened to you. Probably a good thing it wasn't me in the relationship...he'd be in hospital when I was finished with him!

Let yourself grieve over this ridiculous situation, as suggested above. That's about the worst reason for dumping anyone to be honest... ZOMG SOMEONE ELSE LOLZ. And don't let it put you off for the future, not all men are like that and not all Aspies are like that.

Will say though. Your disaster and Caramel's adventure certainly have me on edge...

Thank you for your thoughts. Believe me, I wanted to confront him and slap him silly, but... I was so hurt and shocked, I couldn't even go to see him. I would like maybe to try again with an Aspie guy. I really liked that (I thought) my guy was honest. I also loved his intelligence, his sense of humour, his innocence (in some ways), his generousity. his quirkiness. It was ok that he needed his space and time alone, I did, too. The way that he treated me by how he broke off with me..... it makes me think that in his Aspie mind-set, that he probably didn't even think we were in a relationship... that fact that he could be so cold and callous. I feel like he had no respect or feeling for me at all. I don't know. Have any Aspie men out there dumped their girlfriends or wives in such a way? After this, I'm scared to get involved with another Aspie.

Hey Riverdale, I know this thread was started awhile ago but I have had a similar experience and this thread has been quite a comfort to me and I hope this post offers some comfort too.

I also had a boyfriend (but he was an NT and I have AS so opposites to your situation) who lived in a different country and again after around two years he broke up with me just over msn. We saw each other regularly - like every 6 weeks and I'd seen him just a week and a bit before and we'd had a good 'move forward' talk and I thought things were going on for the better and we were going to move forward. We'd talked about spending the rest of our lives together and it was pretty serious, so I really sympathise with how it feels to dumped just like that. He could have said it to my face, but I doubt he was strong enough and it is probably the same in your case, it is so much easier to try and disregard your feelings for someone if they aren't in front of you. He continued to treat me bad the week after this when he wanted to be a 'friend' so I cut all ties, although he didn't think I would. Now 9 months down the line, having no contact has helped so much. It really does hurt and there are so many questions unanswered, but this all fades in time, I think it is more a 'male' thing (no offence guys!) than an 'Aspie' trait. Now I'm glad he's out of my life, because in some respects he was clearly false to be able to do this and I'm better in the situation I am in now.

Your fear of being let down again will fade as you grow to accept that the problem did not fall with you, and I'd slap him silly for you, it is a disgusting way to end a relationship with someone - unforgivable! I really hope things improve for you and you are able to trust enough to start another relationship when you have feelings for someone else. I have found that in future relationships you learn from it and don't get so 'attached' to people so quickly.

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much. I'm glad that this thread has been a comfort to you. Your words (and all the others) have been a real comfort and consolation to me. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did. I know that you find someone deserving of you. You sound like a lovely person! Just reading your post made me well up again, everything is still so raw.
As I said before, the guy in guestion and I are in our thirties and forties, so it just goes to prove it can happen at any age.
Your story sounds so much like mine. I thought that I had finally broken through, and he was really beginning to trust me. My mistake was to trust and believe him and think that he could change a bit. I know in AS/NT relationships, the NT partner is the one who must do the most changing and accomodating (at least that's what I've read, yes, I did go out and buy the books). I feel like I did make compromises to understand this guy. Our big problems were sexual and emotional/empathy issues (not enough). Please everyone, don't be thinking that I'm just a sex crazy NT (as I've seen on these posts). It's a long story. I wouldn't have been so hurt if this man hadn't said to me that he wanted to move to my country, make a home with me, spend the rest of our lives together, etc. etc. We were talking about these things and for him to go and do what he did within a week..... Some of my friends said that they think he just got scared (of the pressure, change, facing his possible AS) and didn't meet anyone new at all (he was forever telling me what a geek he was and how he shouldn't be in a relationship). His honestly was a large part of why I loved him. I don't believe he made this up. I just can't believe he could turn his feelings on and off like that and disregard me so.

Hello everyone,

I'm still having a difficult time getting through this, even though I've been trying not to think about my ex. I'm having a health scare, and I'm going through some tests.
I've been so stressed out after what this guy has put me through, now I don't know if I have just an ulcer or if it's something worse. Something is showing up on a CT scan, and they don't know what it is. I just had to have an MRI done and another more extensive test is coming up. I'm just really, really scared. On one hand, I wish that my ex was here to comfort me, but on the other, he really never comforted me, or shown concern. It probably was due to him having AS, but I don't even think he cared about me after what's happened. So what is it about him that I'm missing???
I know that I must need my head examined in addition to what's being tested now lol...

What you are missing is the sense of connection you once had, especially now that you are having a health scare. That is normal. It would be as normal as you feeling like that if you had just lost a parent that you were particularly close to and were now going through this. Those are normal feelings. You need not be concerned that they indicate that you cannot move on.

As to this relationship and what happened, here's the deal. He may have met the other woman and dumped you in a completely rude, thoughtless and hateful manner because of either AS or just being a jerk (I've seen plenty of NT men do this to women and I'm sure you have as well.). AS people are usually loyal so if he is AS, he is either an abnormally jerkish one or he is just completely clueless (but you talked about moving in together, etc., so I don't believe that). Aspie's are too smart to have that conversation and not know what it means.

So, that leaves us with the second option. He got scared. He did this because he was scared and this was the one way to guarantee you would get lost forever and not make him face his fears.

Either way, here's the bottom line...it's over. You cannot change the fact that he is a jerk or just afraid. No matter which of these is true, it still comes back to the fact that he is not ready, willing and able to be in a deeper relationship with you. What you need to tell yourself is that recognizing that is alright. You did the best you could. You did nothing wrong. He just couldn't be who you needed to go to the next step. That's all. If he has another girl, it probably won't work out and she will probably use him and dump him (read the posts on here from the guys and you will see what I mean, it happens frequently to them). If he doesn't, he has still made the decision that rather than deal with his fear he will run and hide and hurt you. So, that leaves you, as gamester put it on another post, with someone who is not available emotionally or physically. So, you've just got to see it for what it is and mourn that. There probably was nothing you could have done differently to change it. This is just how it is in the present time. He is just not ready either way you look at it.

Once you start to see that, it will make more sense to you and you'll be able to start putting away the anger and hurt and disappointment. Sometimes people just aren't in the same place emotionally, mentally and physically and it doesn't work out. It's unfortunate, but it happens.


If he calls, I strongly suggest you not take the call. You'll just be in for more hurt. I see NT women go through this with NT men all the time. They don't want to see the relationship the way it really was. That is also common and doesn't indicate something is wrong with you. Something would probably be wrong with you if you could just get over it and move on that easily. That would be kind of dissociative behavior. Try to remember you go through the same stages as grief when you break up. You need to let yourself experience those. You'll get strong again. You'll see.

Best of luck to you.

Zanne