Lacking Tact

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HI there! I have been happily married for a little over 2 years now. My husband is AS too and we balance each other out beautifully. The only issue is my black and white thinking. I say REALLY mean things I guess. I compartmentalize, and judge everything/one. I have a hard time filtering my sentences. I cut to the chase. I guess you could say I lack tact! I avoid a lot of relationships that could be really healthy for me, because I always manage to say the wrong thing. My husband is very good at understanding this and calling me out on it. He speaks up if he "feels cornered" as he puts it. Anyone else so involved in your own rants that you forget to play nice?

For twenty years, or so, I have been working on thinking before I speak, for just the same reasons. My wife has the right and obligation to tell me when I cross certain lines. In time, I'm learning to model the better ways of communicating. I pastor a congregation...I have learned enough to keep out of hot water...most times. It takes serious dedication, and enormous energy, to self-monitor.

The key for me on judging people has been to consider my own flaws and strengths, and then apply that self-knowledge to seeing other folk's flaws and strengths. It has helped me to find some form of empathy, which always humanizes the "other."

Your mileage may vary, just my perspective.

When I feel frustrated/stressed/depressed is when I lack "tact" the most. In my head the thoughts sound like this..."being nice is really just a way humans avoid conflict, gain power in relationships, and minipulate others into liking them."
Of course I know that's not completely true. For example, sometimes people aren't ready to hear the truth, the truth is irrelavent to the situation, or the truth isn't helpful; then I've learned to keep those thing to myself or wait until a more appropriate time to speak out loud.
I want to be able to say for the most part whatever pops in my head without too much conflcit. I personally feel like if I have to put on my "social mask" then that's not someone I want as a close friend...it takes too much energy to use that persona. I use my social mask at work, at the grocery store, and in the general public. I don't want to be "fake" around my close friends and family.


I'm getting the impression when you're ranting a) it's about him b)you're in a negative state (emotion)...am I wrong?

I guess it's just hard for me to understand "feelings." I know it's not him. I didn't say anything about him directly. It's just that when I get going on a rant about how screwed up society is. My rant was all about how frustrated I am to be at the top of my college classes while having 0 previous education (I mean NO K-12,) while all these other people have had YEARS to learn, yet all they seem to want to do is text during class and shrug all the work off as "too hard." If I can do it, anyone can!! It's like they expect college to be "easy" or something. My husband feels cornered because once I get going there's really no stopping me. I am brutally honest sometimes and I guess that's not good.

This a hundred times.

OP, I know where you're coming from, I've been there and had to learn to think before I open my mouth. I mostly use two filters:

1. How useful is what I want to say. For instance a lot of people seem to just blurt out things like "you're so tall/short/fat/bald" etc when they've just met someone - besides being considered rude which I'm usually not a good judge of, it's a completely useless information as the person is certainly aware that they're tall/short etc and usually not able to do something about it anyway. Other things that you might think could be useful would be wasted if the person is not prepared to hear them or if you're not that close - nobody wants advice or critical comments from someone they don't know and trust enough.

2. This one is harder and took me much longer to figure out, but I try to imagine how someone else (not me) might perceive what I have to say. Keep in mind that many people don't necessarily react to what you're literally saying but also to what they perceive as your intentions - "normal" communication goes on on more levels beside the obvious verbal one. I'm not that good with feelings and non-verbal communication either so in time I just made mental lists of things that are prone to be perceived as an insult, provocation etc. Ask your husband to help you, my wife certainly taught me a lot about this.



I used to be exactly like this when I was young. Leaving aside people that are just lazy and entitled keep in mind that not everybody has the same strengths and drive - even if you start with a handicap/disadvantage and do well, it doesn't mean that others can do what you do or that it's not going to be harder for some - especially when it comes to studying. I started to get along better with people since I decided to always ask and expect from others less than I ask from myself - don't tell anybody that, it will sound patronising - and sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised.

I know how tempting is to judge others and feel exasperated by things that seem utterly stupid and irrational and it's even harder when others' behaviour is also affecting you and your options. Just avoid the ones that can mess up your life and keep in mind that they'll eventually have to deal with the consequences of their mistakes anyway. After all, what others do, if it's not illegal or harmful to others, is nobody's business but theirs anyway and getting worked up about it and trying to change people is usually a waste of time

I suffer a PROFOUND discomfort with the electronica, and it's use by folks. It looks to me as if many people have simply decided to engage in the inane, exclusivly. To heck with education, thought processing and deep understanding, they'll take all the smosh videos and inane drivel they can pack into a 25-hour day. ---k me man!! !! !

So, is that what you are saying? Me too. I barely got out of HS, I was a D and F student a lot. But now my mind is open to education, and I have taken it very seriously.

If they don't, I cannot change it. Why be angry, it's just distracting my energy from being put to good use. Some day I will teach at the college level...starting from nothing, they cannot stop me by being so distracted, it's their problem really.

I'm with ya!

Yes. This. I couldn't have said it better. I use my social mask at work with my patients. It takes too much energy to keep it up with close friends and family. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay nice when I honestly want to turn into Red Foreman and just say "You're having problems because you're a dumbass." I so relate to Red Foreman and Sheldon Cooper. It just simply is. That is the truth. But I have found people don't want the truth. They want you to tell them that they are in the right and that their version of reality is the very bestest version in the whole world. Because of this, I cannot be friends with people who are compulsively in crisis. I cannot handle their drama.


I guess it boils down to this: If I am having a good day, I find I can tactfully handle MOST situations. If I am tired, sad, struggling, I lose all ability to keep up my social facade. I usually withdraw during these times and avoid the phone, facebook and all human contact possible

Mommabrer, very well spoken.